2011 will be different

i remember very distinctly beginning this new year. i remember thinking that it was going to be a good year, because i was going to make it that way. and i remember thinking that things were going to change for the better, and that even though i had ended 2009 on a sour note, i wasn't going to let that bring me down. i had set very specific goals, of which i did meet, including buying myself a car and moving out of my parents house. then before i know it 2010 is over, and this year has been extremely difficult for me. i dont know why i feel so compelled it to share on my blog, but i think it will help make 2011 a little brighter and full of love and support, not just from my friends and family, but from myself. i think this will be a healing thing for me.. so! i hope you gain something from my story.
january '10, things were good on the outside. i had a new relationship, i was being social, i bought myself a car, with the help of my mechanic boyfriend, and i was in a good job that i loved. but during that time, i had just began to confront some problems that i had struggled with for years that i kept very secret. i have an eating disorder. it was in january that i told my best friend tanya, who had struggled with an eating disorder as well. i didnt have the heart to tell anybody else, i was very afraid of being judged. but most of my struggles this year have been with the fight of my self image and self confidence, and having a good healthy relationship with food. i have been doing a lot better. i have at least 900 calories a day. it has taken me through hell to eat that much or more a day, but things are getting progressively better.
april '10, i thought things were even better than before. i had started dating a guy i met at a coffee shop, he came off as this incredibly sweet and giving person, a true romantic. we both fell fast and moved very fast. after being exclusive for a few weeks we had decided to move in together. i didnt have the heart to tell my parents about it until the week of the move. i was afraid of them being so angry with me they wouldnt want anything to do with me until i had changed my ways, even then i was afraid it would be something they would hold over my head for the rest of my life. but i was so blinded by my feelings for him that i didnt care, i just figured that things would work themselves out. which by the way, i was very wrong and they are still standing by my side loving me despite my many mistakes. that first month after living with my boyfriend i was so happy. he was helpful around the apartment, i loved waking up next to him every morning, things just couldnt be better. and then almost over night, he became complacent. he just didnt try anymore. he didnt talk to me about anything, he didnt show any love and affection unless he wanted something more, i felt all i was to him was the sex buddy who paid for half the rent. and i let things slide in hopes things would change. i took up smoking, illegal drinking, and other activites i dont wish to share. i was not in a good place and i was very blind to it. those 6 months with him in the apartment seem like a blur.
september '10, i decided to make a change. i got a new job with a higher salary, in a different nursing home. it was a graveyard shift but i wanted a higher salary, so that i could be able to pay for rent myself.. i had a talk with my boyfriend discussing what would happen when our lease ran out in october. thats when i kicked him out of the apartment. i could see the hurt but he didnt argue. he slowly started packing up his things, but was taking his time, possibly hoping that i would change my mind. i thought that i'll just suck it up for one more month and officially break things off when he moves out. but my sanity couldnt take it.. and the breakup went like this.. "i think we should break up.." "..ok." and thats it! he got up, grabbed his pillow and blanket and slept on the couch. he was out the next day and took the next couple of weeks after that to get the rest of his things out of the apartment. i have been single since then.
october '10, it was an adjustment.. i had never been single before, or at least been single longer than a couple of weeks. i had also never had so much free time and i had never had so much personal space. i have shared everything all of my life, from the time i was 1 and jessi was born i've never had my own space, my own room. i went from sharing everything to having my own apartment.. it did not help that i worked graveyard shifts. working graveyard shifts not only increased my depression and bad health but it isolated me, i never saw anybody, i never socialized, i didnt do anything.. so my new goal was to find a new job or get a shift change. and also during this time, i made the choice to turn to drugs to help with my depression i had been fighting to fix all year. i'd have good days, but mainly bad days, and after talking with my doctor i believed that it was a chemical imbalance and something that is not entirely in my control. ever since taking antidepressants, i have noticed a difference in my mood and attitude. and another positive from this month, i had started going to open mic at greenhouse effect. i fell in love with poetry and the arts all over again. i turned to writing to let out more frustration and having a creative outlet, to this day, has helped me with my overall outlook on life.
november '10, i discovered blessings in disguise. i have a friend, sam smith, on his mission in new mexico. we had written off and on his first year out on his mission, and then my cousin, jacob ames, whom i'm very close to, left on his mission to honduras. i had the urge to write these 2 wonderful young men. and they both gave me some spiritual insight. after this difficult year, i thought it would be about time i turn to god for help. i have had a struggle with god ever since i was 15. i had a difficulty understanding him and his works and whether he was really there or not. after a particular letter from sam, he said the words i needed to hear. i had always concidered myself to be an open minded person, but sam said i should be open to ALL of gods blessings. thats when i realized i wasnt being open to everything god had availiable for me. i had decided to give god another chance. i go to church, i read the scriptures, i pray often, but my spiritual journey is far from over. i dont have everything figured out, and i never will. i have accepted that. it simply makes sense that there is a higher power who controls my fate. i know he loves me and wants the best for me. i dont know how i know, but it just makes sense to me, and the thought comforts me and brings me such peace of mind. a peace i didnt think i'd ever have. shortly after i have accepted god back into my life, i lost my job at holladay healthcare.
december '10, things keep looking up. i lost my job the week before thanksgiving, and i have been job hunting since then. i qualified for unemployment, thankfully, so i have been able to keep up on my bills. days after i was fired, my health improved, my attitude was more optimistic, and i was welcomed back into society again. i have been spending much more time with my family and friends. i have been able to keep myself busy with activities and writing a lot more poetry and i have just felt over all very balanced. very happy. i didnt realize how much i have needed this me time and i couldnt be more grateful for it. i will be going into this new year on a happy note.
what happens next....
this year, my resolution:
1. get a job
2. go to school
3. stay balanced
and i will succeed. 2011 will be different. 2011 will be better. :)

inspiring

my life has changed in these past few months more than i could say. and these changes have been for the best. i can honestly say i havent been this happy in a very long time. and i have complete peace of mind even in horrible situations. i cant tell you where this faith in myself came from, but all i know is that it is there and it didnt used to be. i think it has been all this time alone, its given myself that time to focus on my needs and even though i have a very vague view of the future, which is very unusual for me i always have everything planned, but i feel so comfortable with me as i am right now this very minute and i have never really been able to say that before. this past year, ever since november of last year to october of this year, i have been on the other end of the spectrum. i have made almost every mistake a person could make. thinking back on this year almost makes me sick. but seeing my progress in just these past couple of months, it amazes me. and i have some very very special people to thank for that.
first and formost i have to thank my wonderful family. i have put them through hell this year, and they have stood by me through every single piece of it, and are continually expressing their undying love for me and i couldnt be more blessed to have them in my life.
i am also incredibly grateful for tanya, by best friend. she not only picked up my ass off the ground from the messes of this year, but of all my messes through these past four years. the lord knew i was going to have these trials and that i would push my family and big group of friends away, so he gave me tanya and she has been the one steady thing in my life and everyday i am more and more grateful for her. i dont even want to think about the possibilities of where i would be without her.
i am grateful for greenhouse effect open mic. going there every sunday helps me open my mind open my soul and not be afraid to share it. they inspire me daily even though i only see them once a week. in fact, one of my friends from open mic told me this about inspiration: the meaning of spirit is breath. the latin root word of respiration means spirit. to inhale is to breath in life. to exhale is life, breath, escaping you. and to inspire is to put life, breath, spirit in somebody else. and that is quite literally what those wonderful wounded poets and musicians at greenhouse effect have done for me.
i am grateful for my many close friends who i havent given enough credit to. naomi has kept me strong. chelsey has kept me positive. jon has kept me happy. and i wouldnt be those things without them. i hope they know how much i love and appreciate them, even if i dont express my feelings to them all that often.
above all, i want to thank god. out of everybody that i have pushed out of my life and they were still there for me, god has been the prime example. and i have felt his love for me stronger now than i ever have before. i have had so many blessings in disguise and i havent discovered these many blessings until i accepted him back into my life. and as soon as i did i have felt him with me everywhere i go. i love him. i know he is there. and i know he is watching over me.

with that being said, anybody know of any place that is hiring? i'm having a hard time finding a job.. :)

maida in real life

for the past few weeks, amidst the strenuous job hunting, which has been unsuccessful so far but i am officially unemployed by the state so i've been getting a little something for bills which is good, i've been watching the movie dan in real life over and over again. i was trying to figure out why that is, and i've come to the conclusion that it is because the whole feel of the movie, the want and desire for love, is what i've been feeling lately. it helped inspire these poems.

~confessions

i haven't had a drink in two weeks
i haven't had a joint in one month
i haven't had a cigarette in two months
i haven't had sex in....
i haven't held a man's hand in three months
i haven't been kissed, truly kissed, in six months
i haven't been loved in a year....

when i see these happy couples
with the Beatles playing in the background
you know what i want
you know what i crave
i hunger for touch
i want to feel a man's hand on my knee
i want to hear his breathe hot on my ear
i want to feel the difference between
his fingertips and his lips
you ask me how could i possibly be single
this sweet pretty soul
well i am single because i'm too good for them
or am i single because my love is too much
for men to handle
or is it just simply because i date assholes
who don't know what they have until
they break my heart
i'm trying to understand just as much as you are
why am i single
why are some wonderful people alone
i'm not the only one
so here's a shout out to the lonely people
lets get together and show
those happy couples and the Beatles
what real love looks like
lets breathe in sync
lets tie our fingers to eachother
lets complete our worlds
lets wrap me in your skin
and i'll wrap you in mine
lets grind our bones together and
mix our sweat and saliva
lets give new meaning to lust
lets give new meaning to desire
lets give new meaning to devoted
i will love you by giving you my loneliness
so that you can dispose of it and fill in
my puzzle piece over my heart
with your name
and i will wear your name proudly
so confess my darling
and let me wear you

~fall

my favorite season is autumn
i fall in love with the leaves
the life escaping the earth
and ejected into the sky
so we can breathe the life of
old gold summer and watch
the colorful world fall at our feet
to me autumn resembles maturity
falling out of flings
embracing life around you
and sharing it with everyone
to me summer resembled you
stuck in your sunshine
warm uncommitted breeze
and spontaneity
all i wanted was to share
life with you
a life you kept to the wind

but after you flew away

left me to freeze in winter
you opened your eyes
and they turned rich red
full of life
that you choose to share
with her
my least favorite season is winter
i try to fill my void
with empty sex and
empty wine bottles
and empty cigarette cartons
in empty rooms
and at the end of the day
trying to feel something
i am only empty
i watch you love her
while my reflection watches me
trying to convince myself
that i have a beautiful soul
that i am not empty
i finally learn to pick up pieces
of my sorry ass off the ground
and relearn how to
fill my lungs with clean air
the season i live in is spring
i'm regrowing, rebuilding
feeling rejuvenated

and then there you are
bright red and beautiful
but i see around your edges
you're getting worn
you're dissolving slowly
into your winter
but baby, this time
i won't go where you go
i'll let you break
i'll let you fall
i'll let you be covered and consumed
by your sadness buried in the ground
and after you pink up your pieces
that's when you can see me and
talk about that old summer glow

unemployed

friday, november 19, was a bad day.

that morning i woke feeling nauseous. good start. at about noon i get a text message from my supervisor at work asking me to come in and see her, that it was urgent and i had to see her that day. i told her i wasn't feeling well, but i'd go see her in a couple hours. at 230 i go to work and she greats me with a smile and tells me to come on back to her office to talk. we sit down, first thing she says to me....
we've decided to terminate you.
wtf.

back tracking -- saturday, november 13, i was just starting to feel that same nausea that was torturing me all week. i slept all day hoping the bug would go away, but i went to work feeling ill. to describe how my work..night..went, i would get there at 11 pm, we (the two other cnas and me) would fill up clean ice mugs and pass them out to all of our residents (on the top floor, which was where i was working that particular night, there is about 50 residents, split between the three of us for the whole night), after that we wash wheelchairs, and 1 am that is our first round, we go around and check on all of our residents make sure their clean, rotate them in bed if we need to, hydrate them, ect, at 3 am we have second round, and 5 am we have third round, then chart and answer call lights, leave at 7 am. this particular night, i was not feeling well at all, and at around 3 am, when i was supposed to be doing second round, i felt as though i was going to throw up. so, instead of throwing up on the old people, i step out for a little bit til my stomach settles. i go to start my round at about 330, thats when nurse karen approached me..
back tracking a little bit more -- nurse karen hates me. i have no idea why. she was the only coworker there that complained about me. for whatever reason, she thought i didn't do my work and wasn't doing all my rounds. IF i wasn't doing all my rounds, that would be considered neglect, which in a much more serious case would cost me my license. it is a form of abuse.
going back -- nurse karen, thinking that i always don't do my job, decided to keep tabs on me so that she could report me because i apparently bug her so much.... well since i was late to do my second round, it LOOKED as though i wasn't doing my rounds. i saw no reason to defend myself to her because of her unprovoked bias against me, so i just took the verbal beating, ending with a threat of her writing me up if i did not do my round right that second, and went on to do my job. well, she wrote me up anyways.
going back -- so at the end of the business day at the end of the week, my supervisor graces me with the wonderful news of canning me under false pretenses. i felt like i was going to throw up on her. maybe i should have.. instead i put up my defenses, told her i was ill, told her karen was a beast that hated me for no good reason, but she had made up her mind. she, along with all the supervisors, are nazis.. if she asked anybody else their opinion on me, they ALL would have said nothing but good things. but no, instead they just get rid of me before my 90 days are up. jerks.

so..hoping this will be the ONLY time in my life that i ever have to file for unemployment. i have a friend that is the manager of eye glass world who might possibly line me a job. and many other friends have offered to help me out in this unfortunate situation. as crappy as this is, i have realized how this is totally and completely a blessing in disguise. i have been needing to get out of that graveyard shift so badly. in fact, the reason i was so sick last week is because i haven't been well rested in so long that my immune system wasn't working like it should. and even just these few days since then, i have noticed i have been in a better mood, i haven't had as many headaches, and i have been able to spend more time with my friends and family. and even though this is an incredibly horrible situation..slightly worried about paying bills for next month..but i know that i will be ok. another thing that has changed in this past week, really the past month, i have felt more good vibes/ positive mojo/ holy spirit, whatever it is called. i just feel a lot more spiritually inspired. and this closeness to god has given me comfort that things will work out. i'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out, but i have faith. it has been a while since i've said that, but i mean it with my heart and soul. i truly believe that everything will be alright. you're thoughts and prayers would be appreciated though.. i'm grateful for good vibes no matter where they come from :)

as my blog should always end, i wrote a poem. this poem is so ironic.... i started writing this poem before i got fired, but had a hard time finishing it.. but open mic at greenhouse effect always inspires me and i had enough artistic inspiration to finish it, but thats not the point. i thought it was funny that the one poem i write about work i write it as i get fired.... sigh....
this poem is dedicated to the many people in the nursing field.

grim riper

i am blessed
i am reminded of this everytday
in my work place
everyday i see these
young minds in withered bodies
when i see the result
of wounded hearts
and childhood fears
brought to reality
this disease will consume us all
with or without the diagnosis
dementia is unavoidable
all it does is make us forget
makes us fear the same
nightmares that made us tremble
when we first recognized the emotion
of terror
and that is when they are brought
to the poor souls like me
i was trained to nurse the elderly
back to a comforting state
to treat these adults like the children
they truly are inside
but these poor children don't know
who i am
they don't know
that i am that little smile they see
before they leave this world
for some in this home
i am their only family
i am their next generation
that sits by their side
before their final sleep
some even call me by their daughter's name
the one who never visits
who left their mother to die
and calls only to pay the bill
she is the nightmare
i am the relief
and mom's future is a dream
when she asks me
to sit with her so she won't die alone
i am reminded on my fears
i feel her terror
and like a child
she grips my hand with
what strength she has
and like a mother
she asks only one thing of me
to spend these few moments with her
that's when i realize my fate
and i realize being that last friendly face
i am close to god
and his mighty touch
not only comforts the mothers i care for
but me as well
the fear is inevitable
but i have comfort
that there are poor souls like me
who will smile at death
and hold onto a lifeless hand
just to keep the childhood monsters away

second chance

i have now been a single woman for almost a whole two months. amazing! hey, thats longer than i've ever been single before. and these past two months have been completely eye opening. i have learned so much about myself and more about what i need versus what i want. i dont have everything figured out, but i am definitely willing to learn more.
things i have learned about myself:
-i am a selfish person
-i dont listen to other people's advice
-i act like i can be a leader, but i have always been a follower
-i was not meant to work graveyard shifts
things i'm going to do about it:
-pause, breathe, and soften my heart
-with my softened heart, also open my mind
-do what makes me happy, not just short term, but a lasting happiness
-get another freaking job....no more being an ass wiper/cna. gonna find something that makes me truely happy (this goes along with the goal up above, lasting happiness will also be found in glorious new fantasy job..)
i am ready for my new chance at a happy life. i decided long ago to never regret anything. and i dont. not one piece of my life. good has come out of every situation, whether i've seen it or it was something small i haven't seen yet. i am learning from the ups and downs of my past, most especially these past four years, and these next four plus years will be better and happier, and filled with more ups than downs.
its not a true blog of mine without a poem.

baby steps

her hands of clay
are still soft
one day her hands want
to work
one day her hands want
to heal
one day her hands want
to comfort
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her hands are not stiff
her hands of clay
are still soft

her heart of wings
is still developing
one day her heart wants
to soar
one day her heart wants
to sing
one day her heart wants
to escape
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her heart is not ready
her heart of wings
is still developing

her mind of miles
is taking baby steps
one day her mind wants
to explore
one day her mind wants
to create
one day her mind wants
to run
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her mind is still young
her mind of miles
is taking baby steps

save the tits

i'm spending more time in the hospital today. my grandmother has breast cancer for a second time. she is having a double mastectomy as we speak. you hear about how much cancer sucks and all of that but it is something that you almost have to experience yourself to feel the full affects of how much it really does suck. and for those who dont know my grandma, she is one of the strongest women i know, and i know a fair share of amazingly strong spirited women. my grandma is on the top of the list. to see her in this situation and to see her crumble under this kind of trauma.. it has shaken me to my core. there is such a high statistic of women that get breast cancer, but today, i have never felt more protective of my boobs, like it was my womanhood on my chest. this whole situation has given me an underlining fear of someday losing my own breasts. but instead of dreading a future i have no control over, i will pray for my grandma and her spirit, and that when she comes out of surgery in an hour, she wont feel like her womanhood has been cut off, because to me she IS womanhood. strong, independent, and she doesn't need boobs to tell her so.
keep all the many women who also have this struggle in your prayers.
think pink.

i live alone.. but i am never alone

have you ever broken up with someone you were living with?

its hard.
and it sucks.


-imbalanced

i live alone
but i am not alone

as the room empties
my soul feels lost
he packs his things
and my head feels heavy

i live alone
but i am not alone

just me and my
lonely bed
with only the hope to
live another day
alone

i live alone
but i am not alone

want to be independent
live in quiet confidence
be the woman
who has a man
but doesn't need a man
must be happy with myself
before i can be happy with
someone else
but are those women happy
with themselves? am i
striving for a life
no one has
do we all need somebody
or do we all want somebody
what is the difference?
in the end
we're all alone

i live alone
but i am not alone

how does the story
really end

i live alone
but i am not alone

do we only have god
to get us through his own tests
is that cheating
a selfish act to make yourself
the answers to your own questions
is that what i'm trying to do
when i kicked love out of my life
trying to life alone
stand my lonely ground
i don't believe god
is the only answer
god isn't selfish
like me
he made his children love
for a reason. so why
do i feel the need
to do everything myself

i live alone
but i am not alone

when will i accept this
phrase into my life
into my heart
when i'm thirty single and
still living alone?
when will i embrace that
i'm meant to love
not just myself
not just god
when will i be happy
with myself
with god
with whom?
why can't i have it all
the perfect balance

how does the story
really end

i live alone
but i am never alone

right now..

its hard to blog when you dont have internet..
i'm now living in millcreek with brendan. have been for the past five months. i turned 19 last month. got a tattoo. got an extra piercing. got a new cna job. i feel like a real adult. and yet i still go home to mom at least once a week for laundry.. greeting her with the song from dr horrible's sing along blog.. "laundry day. see you there. under things tumbling.."
i have yet to figure out exactly what i want to do with the rest of my life..
i have now figured out to a T but i dont want to be a cna for the rest of my life.. i dont even know what i'm going to do two months from now..
taking things one step at a time.

haven't had a whole lot of poetic thoughts in my head lately but i have written one that i'm proud of
its untitled

and i made that choice
gave it all up
for you my love
i chose to love you
chose to live for you
and now i stand
on middle ground
a thin place to dance
tip toeing through this dark
a light to follow or
a light to ignore
no obligation
nothing holding me back
only you my love
i'll hold onto you
and dream of that light
that i blew out
the choice i made
all for you my love
live in this silence
die in this darkness

today

today i have decided that love is a choice.
attraction is a chemical switch in your brain that you can't control.
but love is a lifestyle, a mindset that you either chose to partake in or chose to pass by.

i was not quoting anything or anyone this time. that was all me.

the past week has just simply been an eye opener for me. trying to be a friend to someone angry with me and leaving in a week, will be gone for 6+ months. quickly recovered from a minor heartache, but pretty sure he's still in the dark. want to save him but can't. totally and completely ready to write off men right as he comes into my life and completely and totally takes me be surprise. "swept me off my feet". i'm a little confused and scared but a part of me knows that everything really is going to work out and be ok this time around. i hope this optimistic side of me is right. i honestly will consider being single for the rest of my life if my heart is ripped to shreds in front of my face again.

too much boy drama. ready for it to stop. ready to actually feel loved by someone.
i know i can make that conscious choice to love, but can i find someone, a Man not a Boy, to chose to love me too?.... i have to remind myself that i'm young maybe in a few years i will. i've always been impatient..

self discovery

three different poems i've worked on the past few weeks. discribes pretty well all the craziness going through my head this month.....hope you like them!

~anxiety

i'm afraid of you
and the happiness you give me
i'm questioning if its real
i'm wondereing if its worth another risk
are you worth another heartache
i'm discovering this dusty wall
that he built around my shattered heart
that he shoved back in my scarred chest
i do want you to have this heart
i hope youre able to find its key
i hope i can find yours
let me heal this shattered heart
i see in your scarred chest
let me kiss your scars and
you can kiss mine
allow me to touch your shy soul and
you can touch mine
let me inside your lonely tears and
you can step inside mine
and we don't have to be lonely anymore
for the first time we can be one

i know i scare you
and the happiness i give you
your questioning if you're awake
wondering if i'm the real risk
if i'll give you more heartache
maybe we're having the same dream
i hope the nightmare ends soon
and we don't have to go through
this misery alone.


~chimerical

i'm restlessly tired
full battery, low energy
trasparent smile covering
my tear stained face
feet glued to the ground
while everyone i love is
jumping comfortably into
thier new skin
i don't know who this is
this scarred, tarred body
lying naked in the harsh cold
no where for shelter
no love for protection
i feel the need to be a hero
but now it looks as if
i need the saving
but no one here only
this broken soul of mine
i can't do this alone
where are you
my knight my heart
don't keep me waiting
i don't have enough strength
to hold onto this chimerical idea
that you will sweep me away
into the summer sunrise
just someone, anyone
help me to sleep
dream this all away


~metaphysics

in one life she's depressed
in one life she's worthless
in one life she's an invisible child
in one life she's barely skin and bones
in one life she's a nervous shy wallflower
in one life she's
in one life
in one life
in one life
in this life....

(its all about choice)
i'm already living those lives
but my conscious is. here
who will i be? ___

no matter what i will be (breathing)
the same oxygen
that i can't. see
no matter what i will (awake)
from some. slumber
in some bed

(its all about fate)
everything is set in stone
every (choice) every life....
but i am. not ___

in one life she's a spark in space
in one life she's a blur in memory
in one life she's
in this life i'm (better).
in this life. i'll overcome and endure
i'll (inhale) deeply knowing
there will. always be air
that will help keep my pieced heart beating
i'll (wake) with purpose
and with no. reason to
change my fate just to
change my attitude
i'll be (confident) (beautiful) (infinite)
(it's my choice it's my fate)
it's my life....

invisible monsters

"now, you are going to tell me your story like you just did. write it down. tell that story over and over. tell me your sad-assed story all night. when you understand that what you're telling is just a story. it isn't happening anymore. when you realize the story is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

"television makes us god. when you watch daytime dramas you can look in on anybody. there's a different life on every channel, and almost every hour the lives change. it's the same as those live video web sites. you can watch the whole world without it knowing.
and if you believe that we really have free will, then you know that god can't really control us. and since god cant control us all god does is watch and change channels when he gets bored."

"when did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?"

"only when we eat up this planet will god give us another. we'll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we create."

these are all quotes from the novel invisible monsters by chuck palahniuk. i suggest this book to everyone. it really makes you think.. and i love it so much!

"immature love: i love him because i need him. mature love: i need him because i love him" -i wish i remember who said that..

here's my recent poetry

~ something to lose, someone to live for

i've never felt this before
a burning in my heart
an unquestionable peace in my soul
a jitterey butterfly with a broken wing
taking flight for the first time
in my abdomen
a shock to the heart
only his touch can provide
a tenderness
only his kiss possesses
an excitement only this
fear of losing him can fuel

like two small children recognizing emotion for the first time
shy to trust
quick to love

i am guilty of this
this i've never felt before
and i feel it
every time i hear his name
and see his dark eyes watching me with car
as i fall asleep in his arms

and i pray that this is where i will be


~luminary lyric

beauty comes from the darkest place in hell
upon finding it, it stays with you
making hell a paradise brighter than heaven
enhanced colors and shit filters make a fairytale
too good to be true

but what if it's reality
a life that is touchable
hear every shy shudder in his sigh
feel the electricity in his stare
see every sun ray in his demeanor
luminous in this hell
digest every moment and get an honest response

and honestly?

i love every piece of him
i know this is the lyrical love i need

; i need him because i love him

its love not santa clause

looking forward and depending on people being in your future isn't smart. its best to plan your future. just yours. if someone wants to come along for the ride then wonderful. but until they have made that final vow to always follow you then dont get your hopes up. keep the walls around your heart until he's down on one knee and youre ready to say yes. be careful love sick ladies. no matter what age heartbreak hurts and doesnt fully go away until that love is put in a different direction.
sigh.. ok my rant is done! since i'm a positive person and hate ending an update on a negative note, here are my current inspirations.

cameren cloward. he is like my soul's twin. its scary how alike we are. he's very sweet and sensitive and easy to talk to and easy to listen to and i could go on and on how great my new best friend is but just know he's a great guy ;)


say anything. cam introduced me to this band and i fell in love. favorite song at the moment is do better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHKZK6tZiEU&feature=related

the perks of being a wallflower. cam suggested this book to me and, again, i fell in love. i highly suggest this book to everyone. its sad its sweet its funny its beautiful its poetic its honest its brutal its raw its..its infinite. just read it! gah! i love it..

nurse jackie. cam and i sat down and watched almost the whole first season in one sitting. fell. in. love. its on showtime its about an emergency room nurse with an addiction to prescription drugs. how beautifully ironic is that?? and its just so real and makes me want to become a nurse even more than i already do. although not an emergency room nurse. no way in hell could i ever do that..i'd be like the character zoe and be awkward and clumsy and just doesnt handle the stress well. but a lot of the work is the same. a nurse is a nurse. i love it. i highly suggest this wonderful show. i'm so very excited for the second season in march!

favorite quotes:
"we accept the love we think we deserve" -the perks of being a wallflower
"in that moment i swear we were infinite" -the perks of being a wallflower (read it)
"doctors diagnose, we heal" -nurse jackie
"its love not santa clause" -500 days of summer
"someone to live for, something to lose"
"if you cant change your fate, change your attitude"

good start

its been a while.. here is the update!
1. i chopped all my hair off. its in a pixie cut now and i absolutely love it! everybody at work calls me tinkerbell or pixie and i have embraced my inner fairy :)
2. i work all the time. i sometimes feel like i have no life.
3. for the past week i have pretty much lived at my bff's house. i slept in my bed once this week. its been an awesome holiday
4. the month of december i had a different boy every week. single life has been fun :) but now....
5. i have a new boy thats a little more permanent! :D his name is matt he is a Major sweetheart! i've known him since sophomore year we have mutual friends and we went on a few dates and really hit it off :) he's leaving in march going to basic. i got myself an army boy! and i am a full supporter of him. it will be very very sad when he leaves but i will take advantage of the time i have with him now :)
thats about all you've missed. havent been all that busy.. but its ok :) i had a Great new years eve! me matt tanya and matt's bff kinky (yes thats his name) went clubbing! it was way fun :) and with this new year i hope to accomplish a whole lot..
1. this month i am getting me a car
2. end of april i am moving out of my parents house
3. end of the summer i will be attending my first year at slcc and start on my education to be a nurse
and all of this that i will be accomplishing i will be doing on my own.. wish me luck!!