maida in real life

for the past few weeks, amidst the strenuous job hunting, which has been unsuccessful so far but i am officially unemployed by the state so i've been getting a little something for bills which is good, i've been watching the movie dan in real life over and over again. i was trying to figure out why that is, and i've come to the conclusion that it is because the whole feel of the movie, the want and desire for love, is what i've been feeling lately. it helped inspire these poems.

~confessions

i haven't had a drink in two weeks
i haven't had a joint in one month
i haven't had a cigarette in two months
i haven't had sex in....
i haven't held a man's hand in three months
i haven't been kissed, truly kissed, in six months
i haven't been loved in a year....

when i see these happy couples
with the Beatles playing in the background
you know what i want
you know what i crave
i hunger for touch
i want to feel a man's hand on my knee
i want to hear his breathe hot on my ear
i want to feel the difference between
his fingertips and his lips
you ask me how could i possibly be single
this sweet pretty soul
well i am single because i'm too good for them
or am i single because my love is too much
for men to handle
or is it just simply because i date assholes
who don't know what they have until
they break my heart
i'm trying to understand just as much as you are
why am i single
why are some wonderful people alone
i'm not the only one
so here's a shout out to the lonely people
lets get together and show
those happy couples and the Beatles
what real love looks like
lets breathe in sync
lets tie our fingers to eachother
lets complete our worlds
lets wrap me in your skin
and i'll wrap you in mine
lets grind our bones together and
mix our sweat and saliva
lets give new meaning to lust
lets give new meaning to desire
lets give new meaning to devoted
i will love you by giving you my loneliness
so that you can dispose of it and fill in
my puzzle piece over my heart
with your name
and i will wear your name proudly
so confess my darling
and let me wear you

~fall

my favorite season is autumn
i fall in love with the leaves
the life escaping the earth
and ejected into the sky
so we can breathe the life of
old gold summer and watch
the colorful world fall at our feet
to me autumn resembles maturity
falling out of flings
embracing life around you
and sharing it with everyone
to me summer resembled you
stuck in your sunshine
warm uncommitted breeze
and spontaneity
all i wanted was to share
life with you
a life you kept to the wind

but after you flew away

left me to freeze in winter
you opened your eyes
and they turned rich red
full of life
that you choose to share
with her
my least favorite season is winter
i try to fill my void
with empty sex and
empty wine bottles
and empty cigarette cartons
in empty rooms
and at the end of the day
trying to feel something
i am only empty
i watch you love her
while my reflection watches me
trying to convince myself
that i have a beautiful soul
that i am not empty
i finally learn to pick up pieces
of my sorry ass off the ground
and relearn how to
fill my lungs with clean air
the season i live in is spring
i'm regrowing, rebuilding
feeling rejuvenated

and then there you are
bright red and beautiful
but i see around your edges
you're getting worn
you're dissolving slowly
into your winter
but baby, this time
i won't go where you go
i'll let you break
i'll let you fall
i'll let you be covered and consumed
by your sadness buried in the ground
and after you pink up your pieces
that's when you can see me and
talk about that old summer glow