2011 will be different

i remember very distinctly beginning this new year. i remember thinking that it was going to be a good year, because i was going to make it that way. and i remember thinking that things were going to change for the better, and that even though i had ended 2009 on a sour note, i wasn't going to let that bring me down. i had set very specific goals, of which i did meet, including buying myself a car and moving out of my parents house. then before i know it 2010 is over, and this year has been extremely difficult for me. i dont know why i feel so compelled it to share on my blog, but i think it will help make 2011 a little brighter and full of love and support, not just from my friends and family, but from myself. i think this will be a healing thing for me.. so! i hope you gain something from my story.
january '10, things were good on the outside. i had a new relationship, i was being social, i bought myself a car, with the help of my mechanic boyfriend, and i was in a good job that i loved. but during that time, i had just began to confront some problems that i had struggled with for years that i kept very secret. i have an eating disorder. it was in january that i told my best friend tanya, who had struggled with an eating disorder as well. i didnt have the heart to tell anybody else, i was very afraid of being judged. but most of my struggles this year have been with the fight of my self image and self confidence, and having a good healthy relationship with food. i have been doing a lot better. i have at least 900 calories a day. it has taken me through hell to eat that much or more a day, but things are getting progressively better.
april '10, i thought things were even better than before. i had started dating a guy i met at a coffee shop, he came off as this incredibly sweet and giving person, a true romantic. we both fell fast and moved very fast. after being exclusive for a few weeks we had decided to move in together. i didnt have the heart to tell my parents about it until the week of the move. i was afraid of them being so angry with me they wouldnt want anything to do with me until i had changed my ways, even then i was afraid it would be something they would hold over my head for the rest of my life. but i was so blinded by my feelings for him that i didnt care, i just figured that things would work themselves out. which by the way, i was very wrong and they are still standing by my side loving me despite my many mistakes. that first month after living with my boyfriend i was so happy. he was helpful around the apartment, i loved waking up next to him every morning, things just couldnt be better. and then almost over night, he became complacent. he just didnt try anymore. he didnt talk to me about anything, he didnt show any love and affection unless he wanted something more, i felt all i was to him was the sex buddy who paid for half the rent. and i let things slide in hopes things would change. i took up smoking, illegal drinking, and other activites i dont wish to share. i was not in a good place and i was very blind to it. those 6 months with him in the apartment seem like a blur.
september '10, i decided to make a change. i got a new job with a higher salary, in a different nursing home. it was a graveyard shift but i wanted a higher salary, so that i could be able to pay for rent myself.. i had a talk with my boyfriend discussing what would happen when our lease ran out in october. thats when i kicked him out of the apartment. i could see the hurt but he didnt argue. he slowly started packing up his things, but was taking his time, possibly hoping that i would change my mind. i thought that i'll just suck it up for one more month and officially break things off when he moves out. but my sanity couldnt take it.. and the breakup went like this.. "i think we should break up.." "..ok." and thats it! he got up, grabbed his pillow and blanket and slept on the couch. he was out the next day and took the next couple of weeks after that to get the rest of his things out of the apartment. i have been single since then.
october '10, it was an adjustment.. i had never been single before, or at least been single longer than a couple of weeks. i had also never had so much free time and i had never had so much personal space. i have shared everything all of my life, from the time i was 1 and jessi was born i've never had my own space, my own room. i went from sharing everything to having my own apartment.. it did not help that i worked graveyard shifts. working graveyard shifts not only increased my depression and bad health but it isolated me, i never saw anybody, i never socialized, i didnt do anything.. so my new goal was to find a new job or get a shift change. and also during this time, i made the choice to turn to drugs to help with my depression i had been fighting to fix all year. i'd have good days, but mainly bad days, and after talking with my doctor i believed that it was a chemical imbalance and something that is not entirely in my control. ever since taking antidepressants, i have noticed a difference in my mood and attitude. and another positive from this month, i had started going to open mic at greenhouse effect. i fell in love with poetry and the arts all over again. i turned to writing to let out more frustration and having a creative outlet, to this day, has helped me with my overall outlook on life.
november '10, i discovered blessings in disguise. i have a friend, sam smith, on his mission in new mexico. we had written off and on his first year out on his mission, and then my cousin, jacob ames, whom i'm very close to, left on his mission to honduras. i had the urge to write these 2 wonderful young men. and they both gave me some spiritual insight. after this difficult year, i thought it would be about time i turn to god for help. i have had a struggle with god ever since i was 15. i had a difficulty understanding him and his works and whether he was really there or not. after a particular letter from sam, he said the words i needed to hear. i had always concidered myself to be an open minded person, but sam said i should be open to ALL of gods blessings. thats when i realized i wasnt being open to everything god had availiable for me. i had decided to give god another chance. i go to church, i read the scriptures, i pray often, but my spiritual journey is far from over. i dont have everything figured out, and i never will. i have accepted that. it simply makes sense that there is a higher power who controls my fate. i know he loves me and wants the best for me. i dont know how i know, but it just makes sense to me, and the thought comforts me and brings me such peace of mind. a peace i didnt think i'd ever have. shortly after i have accepted god back into my life, i lost my job at holladay healthcare.
december '10, things keep looking up. i lost my job the week before thanksgiving, and i have been job hunting since then. i qualified for unemployment, thankfully, so i have been able to keep up on my bills. days after i was fired, my health improved, my attitude was more optimistic, and i was welcomed back into society again. i have been spending much more time with my family and friends. i have been able to keep myself busy with activities and writing a lot more poetry and i have just felt over all very balanced. very happy. i didnt realize how much i have needed this me time and i couldnt be more grateful for it. i will be going into this new year on a happy note.
what happens next....
this year, my resolution:
1. get a job
2. go to school
3. stay balanced
and i will succeed. 2011 will be different. 2011 will be better. :)