unemployed

friday, november 19, was a bad day.

that morning i woke feeling nauseous. good start. at about noon i get a text message from my supervisor at work asking me to come in and see her, that it was urgent and i had to see her that day. i told her i wasn't feeling well, but i'd go see her in a couple hours. at 230 i go to work and she greats me with a smile and tells me to come on back to her office to talk. we sit down, first thing she says to me....
we've decided to terminate you.
wtf.

back tracking -- saturday, november 13, i was just starting to feel that same nausea that was torturing me all week. i slept all day hoping the bug would go away, but i went to work feeling ill. to describe how my work..night..went, i would get there at 11 pm, we (the two other cnas and me) would fill up clean ice mugs and pass them out to all of our residents (on the top floor, which was where i was working that particular night, there is about 50 residents, split between the three of us for the whole night), after that we wash wheelchairs, and 1 am that is our first round, we go around and check on all of our residents make sure their clean, rotate them in bed if we need to, hydrate them, ect, at 3 am we have second round, and 5 am we have third round, then chart and answer call lights, leave at 7 am. this particular night, i was not feeling well at all, and at around 3 am, when i was supposed to be doing second round, i felt as though i was going to throw up. so, instead of throwing up on the old people, i step out for a little bit til my stomach settles. i go to start my round at about 330, thats when nurse karen approached me..
back tracking a little bit more -- nurse karen hates me. i have no idea why. she was the only coworker there that complained about me. for whatever reason, she thought i didn't do my work and wasn't doing all my rounds. IF i wasn't doing all my rounds, that would be considered neglect, which in a much more serious case would cost me my license. it is a form of abuse.
going back -- nurse karen, thinking that i always don't do my job, decided to keep tabs on me so that she could report me because i apparently bug her so much.... well since i was late to do my second round, it LOOKED as though i wasn't doing my rounds. i saw no reason to defend myself to her because of her unprovoked bias against me, so i just took the verbal beating, ending with a threat of her writing me up if i did not do my round right that second, and went on to do my job. well, she wrote me up anyways.
going back -- so at the end of the business day at the end of the week, my supervisor graces me with the wonderful news of canning me under false pretenses. i felt like i was going to throw up on her. maybe i should have.. instead i put up my defenses, told her i was ill, told her karen was a beast that hated me for no good reason, but she had made up her mind. she, along with all the supervisors, are nazis.. if she asked anybody else their opinion on me, they ALL would have said nothing but good things. but no, instead they just get rid of me before my 90 days are up. jerks.

so..hoping this will be the ONLY time in my life that i ever have to file for unemployment. i have a friend that is the manager of eye glass world who might possibly line me a job. and many other friends have offered to help me out in this unfortunate situation. as crappy as this is, i have realized how this is totally and completely a blessing in disguise. i have been needing to get out of that graveyard shift so badly. in fact, the reason i was so sick last week is because i haven't been well rested in so long that my immune system wasn't working like it should. and even just these few days since then, i have noticed i have been in a better mood, i haven't had as many headaches, and i have been able to spend more time with my friends and family. and even though this is an incredibly horrible situation..slightly worried about paying bills for next month..but i know that i will be ok. another thing that has changed in this past week, really the past month, i have felt more good vibes/ positive mojo/ holy spirit, whatever it is called. i just feel a lot more spiritually inspired. and this closeness to god has given me comfort that things will work out. i'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out, but i have faith. it has been a while since i've said that, but i mean it with my heart and soul. i truly believe that everything will be alright. you're thoughts and prayers would be appreciated though.. i'm grateful for good vibes no matter where they come from :)

as my blog should always end, i wrote a poem. this poem is so ironic.... i started writing this poem before i got fired, but had a hard time finishing it.. but open mic at greenhouse effect always inspires me and i had enough artistic inspiration to finish it, but thats not the point. i thought it was funny that the one poem i write about work i write it as i get fired.... sigh....
this poem is dedicated to the many people in the nursing field.

grim riper

i am blessed
i am reminded of this everytday
in my work place
everyday i see these
young minds in withered bodies
when i see the result
of wounded hearts
and childhood fears
brought to reality
this disease will consume us all
with or without the diagnosis
dementia is unavoidable
all it does is make us forget
makes us fear the same
nightmares that made us tremble
when we first recognized the emotion
of terror
and that is when they are brought
to the poor souls like me
i was trained to nurse the elderly
back to a comforting state
to treat these adults like the children
they truly are inside
but these poor children don't know
who i am
they don't know
that i am that little smile they see
before they leave this world
for some in this home
i am their only family
i am their next generation
that sits by their side
before their final sleep
some even call me by their daughter's name
the one who never visits
who left their mother to die
and calls only to pay the bill
she is the nightmare
i am the relief
and mom's future is a dream
when she asks me
to sit with her so she won't die alone
i am reminded on my fears
i feel her terror
and like a child
she grips my hand with
what strength she has
and like a mother
she asks only one thing of me
to spend these few moments with her
that's when i realize my fate
and i realize being that last friendly face
i am close to god
and his mighty touch
not only comforts the mothers i care for
but me as well
the fear is inevitable
but i have comfort
that there are poor souls like me
who will smile at death
and hold onto a lifeless hand
just to keep the childhood monsters away

second chance

i have now been a single woman for almost a whole two months. amazing! hey, thats longer than i've ever been single before. and these past two months have been completely eye opening. i have learned so much about myself and more about what i need versus what i want. i dont have everything figured out, but i am definitely willing to learn more.
things i have learned about myself:
-i am a selfish person
-i dont listen to other people's advice
-i act like i can be a leader, but i have always been a follower
-i was not meant to work graveyard shifts
things i'm going to do about it:
-pause, breathe, and soften my heart
-with my softened heart, also open my mind
-do what makes me happy, not just short term, but a lasting happiness
-get another freaking job....no more being an ass wiper/cna. gonna find something that makes me truely happy (this goes along with the goal up above, lasting happiness will also be found in glorious new fantasy job..)
i am ready for my new chance at a happy life. i decided long ago to never regret anything. and i dont. not one piece of my life. good has come out of every situation, whether i've seen it or it was something small i haven't seen yet. i am learning from the ups and downs of my past, most especially these past four years, and these next four plus years will be better and happier, and filled with more ups than downs.
its not a true blog of mine without a poem.

baby steps

her hands of clay
are still soft
one day her hands want
to work
one day her hands want
to heal
one day her hands want
to comfort
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her hands are not stiff
her hands of clay
are still soft

her heart of wings
is still developing
one day her heart wants
to soar
one day her heart wants
to sing
one day her heart wants
to escape
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her heart is not ready
her heart of wings
is still developing

her mind of miles
is taking baby steps
one day her mind wants
to explore
one day her mind wants
to create
one day her mind wants
to run
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her mind is still young
her mind of miles
is taking baby steps

save the tits

i'm spending more time in the hospital today. my grandmother has breast cancer for a second time. she is having a double mastectomy as we speak. you hear about how much cancer sucks and all of that but it is something that you almost have to experience yourself to feel the full affects of how much it really does suck. and for those who dont know my grandma, she is one of the strongest women i know, and i know a fair share of amazingly strong spirited women. my grandma is on the top of the list. to see her in this situation and to see her crumble under this kind of trauma.. it has shaken me to my core. there is such a high statistic of women that get breast cancer, but today, i have never felt more protective of my boobs, like it was my womanhood on my chest. this whole situation has given me an underlining fear of someday losing my own breasts. but instead of dreading a future i have no control over, i will pray for my grandma and her spirit, and that when she comes out of surgery in an hour, she wont feel like her womanhood has been cut off, because to me she IS womanhood. strong, independent, and she doesn't need boobs to tell her so.
keep all the many women who also have this struggle in your prayers.
think pink.

i live alone.. but i am never alone

have you ever broken up with someone you were living with?

its hard.
and it sucks.


-imbalanced

i live alone
but i am not alone

as the room empties
my soul feels lost
he packs his things
and my head feels heavy

i live alone
but i am not alone

just me and my
lonely bed
with only the hope to
live another day
alone

i live alone
but i am not alone

want to be independent
live in quiet confidence
be the woman
who has a man
but doesn't need a man
must be happy with myself
before i can be happy with
someone else
but are those women happy
with themselves? am i
striving for a life
no one has
do we all need somebody
or do we all want somebody
what is the difference?
in the end
we're all alone

i live alone
but i am not alone

how does the story
really end

i live alone
but i am not alone

do we only have god
to get us through his own tests
is that cheating
a selfish act to make yourself
the answers to your own questions
is that what i'm trying to do
when i kicked love out of my life
trying to life alone
stand my lonely ground
i don't believe god
is the only answer
god isn't selfish
like me
he made his children love
for a reason. so why
do i feel the need
to do everything myself

i live alone
but i am not alone

when will i accept this
phrase into my life
into my heart
when i'm thirty single and
still living alone?
when will i embrace that
i'm meant to love
not just myself
not just god
when will i be happy
with myself
with god
with whom?
why can't i have it all
the perfect balance

how does the story
really end

i live alone
but i am never alone

right now..

its hard to blog when you dont have internet..
i'm now living in millcreek with brendan. have been for the past five months. i turned 19 last month. got a tattoo. got an extra piercing. got a new cna job. i feel like a real adult. and yet i still go home to mom at least once a week for laundry.. greeting her with the song from dr horrible's sing along blog.. "laundry day. see you there. under things tumbling.."
i have yet to figure out exactly what i want to do with the rest of my life..
i have now figured out to a T but i dont want to be a cna for the rest of my life.. i dont even know what i'm going to do two months from now..
taking things one step at a time.

haven't had a whole lot of poetic thoughts in my head lately but i have written one that i'm proud of
its untitled

and i made that choice
gave it all up
for you my love
i chose to love you
chose to live for you
and now i stand
on middle ground
a thin place to dance
tip toeing through this dark
a light to follow or
a light to ignore
no obligation
nothing holding me back
only you my love
i'll hold onto you
and dream of that light
that i blew out
the choice i made
all for you my love
live in this silence
die in this darkness

today

today i have decided that love is a choice.
attraction is a chemical switch in your brain that you can't control.
but love is a lifestyle, a mindset that you either chose to partake in or chose to pass by.

i was not quoting anything or anyone this time. that was all me.

the past week has just simply been an eye opener for me. trying to be a friend to someone angry with me and leaving in a week, will be gone for 6+ months. quickly recovered from a minor heartache, but pretty sure he's still in the dark. want to save him but can't. totally and completely ready to write off men right as he comes into my life and completely and totally takes me be surprise. "swept me off my feet". i'm a little confused and scared but a part of me knows that everything really is going to work out and be ok this time around. i hope this optimistic side of me is right. i honestly will consider being single for the rest of my life if my heart is ripped to shreds in front of my face again.

too much boy drama. ready for it to stop. ready to actually feel loved by someone.
i know i can make that conscious choice to love, but can i find someone, a Man not a Boy, to chose to love me too?.... i have to remind myself that i'm young maybe in a few years i will. i've always been impatient..

self discovery

three different poems i've worked on the past few weeks. discribes pretty well all the craziness going through my head this month.....hope you like them!

~anxiety

i'm afraid of you
and the happiness you give me
i'm questioning if its real
i'm wondereing if its worth another risk
are you worth another heartache
i'm discovering this dusty wall
that he built around my shattered heart
that he shoved back in my scarred chest
i do want you to have this heart
i hope youre able to find its key
i hope i can find yours
let me heal this shattered heart
i see in your scarred chest
let me kiss your scars and
you can kiss mine
allow me to touch your shy soul and
you can touch mine
let me inside your lonely tears and
you can step inside mine
and we don't have to be lonely anymore
for the first time we can be one

i know i scare you
and the happiness i give you
your questioning if you're awake
wondering if i'm the real risk
if i'll give you more heartache
maybe we're having the same dream
i hope the nightmare ends soon
and we don't have to go through
this misery alone.


~chimerical

i'm restlessly tired
full battery, low energy
trasparent smile covering
my tear stained face
feet glued to the ground
while everyone i love is
jumping comfortably into
thier new skin
i don't know who this is
this scarred, tarred body
lying naked in the harsh cold
no where for shelter
no love for protection
i feel the need to be a hero
but now it looks as if
i need the saving
but no one here only
this broken soul of mine
i can't do this alone
where are you
my knight my heart
don't keep me waiting
i don't have enough strength
to hold onto this chimerical idea
that you will sweep me away
into the summer sunrise
just someone, anyone
help me to sleep
dream this all away


~metaphysics

in one life she's depressed
in one life she's worthless
in one life she's an invisible child
in one life she's barely skin and bones
in one life she's a nervous shy wallflower
in one life she's
in one life
in one life
in one life
in this life....

(its all about choice)
i'm already living those lives
but my conscious is. here
who will i be? ___

no matter what i will be (breathing)
the same oxygen
that i can't. see
no matter what i will (awake)
from some. slumber
in some bed

(its all about fate)
everything is set in stone
every (choice) every life....
but i am. not ___

in one life she's a spark in space
in one life she's a blur in memory
in one life she's
in this life i'm (better).
in this life. i'll overcome and endure
i'll (inhale) deeply knowing
there will. always be air
that will help keep my pieced heart beating
i'll (wake) with purpose
and with no. reason to
change my fate just to
change my attitude
i'll be (confident) (beautiful) (infinite)
(it's my choice it's my fate)
it's my life....