overshadowed

this year so far.. i have had so many ups and downs already its kind of insane.
let me start at the beginning..

january 3, i got a job at a physical therapist office as an office aide. its not exactly the hours i need, but i think it is the perfect little job for me right now. i truely believe that everthing happens for a reason, and that includes this job. ever since i've been working at the pt office i have fallen in love with physical therapy. so much that i have made the decision to become a physical therapist. i change my mind about my career choice all the time, but this time i feel confident about this choice. this fall i will be going to slcc and doing the pt assistant program.
january 5, i went on a date with an old friend, ian. we met last year, i was dating a different guy in his group of friends, and while being introduced to the group, i remembered ian as the cute sweet smaller guy of the nerd herd who obviously had a little crush on me. a year later we bump into each other at a w.o.w. party (my bestie's dad was hosting this party and we were hanging out at her house, i wasnt actually playing the game lol just thought i'd clarify :P) and i'm sure he felt it to, there was a little spark, something clicked in this reunion. so then he gave me his number, we went on a nice date that lead to another date.. and the rest is history ;) i am so very happy with this guy.. he is very sweet and genuine, treats me so well. i am so very lucky to have ian in my life <3
january 10(?), i discovered sores on the underside of my right arm. i had my mom look at them and we came to the conclusion that they are more than likely boils. so i went to the doctor's office and the first doc i saw thought it was the same thing. so she lanced the big one and had it packed, then had me put on two different antibiotics to rid of the three other smaller ones and also to prevent them from coming back. well, one of the antibiotics that she gave me was a penicillin base. some years ago i got an allergic reaction to amoxicillin, another penicillin base, and after almost a week of taking this antibiotic she gave me i broke out into a rash all over my body. so i went to a different doc who put me on more antibiotics and strong allergy meds to stop the reaction. while i was seeing this doc he continued to tell me other things that the first doc did wrong, including taking a culture of my wound (taking a sample of the pus from the sores) to see if it was something a little more serious, like mrsa.
off tangent- mrsa is a staff infection on crack. basically. its a bacterial infection that can be small and minor, like my sore on my arm, or much more serious and can involve the heart or lungs or other organs. but like any bacterial infection, it can spread and become serious very quickly without attention. as a cna i have cared for people with mrsa, and it can get big ugly and nasty and involves iv treatments and/or lots of serious antibiotics. if untreated, it could lead to long term hospital stay and other bad things.. since i have seen some worst case sinarios, when the doc said that it could be mrsa i thought there would be no way that it was..
february, the sores came back. i was very unhappy.. i went to see the same doc that fixed the allergic reaction. he took a culture of my wound. as it turns out, i have mrsa. fantastic right? so he gave me some more antibiotics to hopefully get rid of the mrsa to prevent me from going into the hospital. he first put me on sulfa, and as it turns out i am also allergic to sulfa! so! i had to take even more meds for the allergic reaction! and now i am still hoping that the infection is under enough control that, 1- it doesnt get bigger, and 2- it doesnt go to other places of my body, like my internal organs, 3- it just goes away.. prayers are always appreciated :)
now, amidst the awesome boyfriend, fun job, and living off of the pharmacy in my purse, i havent been able to pay for my rent. my lease is up after this month, so luckily i got my tax return in time to pay for my last month of rent. and the end of this month i am moving back into my parents house. after much debating and looking at all the other options that i have, i saw this option as the smartest and the most efficient. i will be getting a second job for the summer and i'll be building up my savings account once again. and besides, it has been nice spending more time with the family. and hopefully by the end of the summer i'll be getting a place with my bestie, tanya, and one other chicky. so there is my game plan.. hopefully the medical nonsense will end and i wont have any other problems. hopefully thing will go at least close to plan.
even though there have been these major speed bumps these past couple months..
the highs in my life have completely overshadowed the lows
positive energy, good vibes, and prayers are always welcomed, loved, and appreciated <3

writing, my healing

things have been much much better :) i have a job, i have a boyfriend, i have plans for school. things are just about where i want them to be. i have also written a lot these past couple months. like, about a new poem every week. i have also picked up a short story i dropped about a year ago and i'm almost finished with it. and i truly believe that all this writing has helped me and my attitude. its like i let out negative energy in such a positive outlet.
speaking of writing, the cottonwood heights arts council has a literacy fair complete with a writing competition. i will be submitting a poem, but i cannot decide which one that i want to submit.. so! i am asking for your help! i have narrowed it down to three poems, i will have a poll to the side, please let me know which one you think i should submit! :)

~grim riper

i am blessed
i'm reminded of this everyday
in my work place
everyday i see these
young minds in withered bodies
when i see the result
of wounded hearts
and childhood fears
brought to reality
this disease will consume us all
with or without the diagnosis
dementia is unavoidable
all it does is make us forget
makes us fear the same
nightmares that made us trumble
when we first recognized the emotion
of terror
and that is when they are brought
to the poor souls like me
i was trained to nurse the elderly
back to a comforting state
to treat these adults like the children
they truly are inside
but these poor children don't know
who i am
they don't know
that i am that little smile they see
before they leave this world
for some in this home
i am their only family
i am their next generation
that sits by their side
before their final sleep
some even call me by their daughters' name
the one who never visits
who calls only to pay the bill
who left their mother to die
she is the nightmare
i am the relief
and mom's future is a dream
when she asks me
to sit with her so she won't die alone
i am reminded of my fiears
i feel her terror
and like a child
she grips my hand with
what strength she has
and like a mother
she asks only one thing of me
to spend these few moments with her
that's when i realize my fate
and i realize being that last friendly face
i am close to god
and his mighty touch
not only comforts the mothers i care for
but me as well
the fear is inevitable
but i have comfort
that there are poor souls like me
who will smile at death
and hold onto a lifeless hand
just to keep the childhood
monsters away

~happy tears

that smile is skinning me alive
i am no longer safe
no longer protected in my shell
every smirk cuts me deeper
and those dimples
they pierce me like needles
that laugh hits my ears
like a bullet
every time i hear that voice
it's a new puncture wound
and those words that
milk out of those rose petal lips
they burn like wax
on my naked eardrums
every word is a candle
that dances around my head
making me hot and dizzy
that language is so smooth
and beautiful like the
flame of that smoking being
every breath is more oxygen
to the fire i'm burning in
that touch so warm and soft
makes me shiver and shrink
inching back to comfort and safty
but the feeling that touch brings
is so toxic i need it
like any addiction
you're never really living without it
and those eyes are my addiction
and i need a fix
i need those eyes to burn
right through me 'til
there is nothing left
but my soul and scattered pieces
of my heart
and though those eyes
have barely met my gaze
they know everything about me
they know my secrets and flaws
and those eyes are
ripping out my faults
from my flesh
and then those same eyes
ignore my scars
and fill me with hope
hope that i may someday
someday love again
those hands are open
waiting for me to fill in those spaces
and melt into him
until we are one

~elements

when i was a child
i was afraid of fire
the bright heat of passion
twisted and shaked
then curled his seducing fingers
beckoning me to
braid his red hair
to cut his locks and
thread them into a gold gown
to breathe in the black toxins
of his fuel his oxygen
that would dry out my insides
as a child
i was afraid to step
within fifty feet of this heat
scared that his sparks
would set flame to my soul
that he'd pour gasoline on my skin
pack my mouth my eyes my ears
and all my other open wounds
with old love letters
and then pinch me with his yellow fingernails
and watch me burn
i burned into him
thought it was love
his fingers danced on my belly
circled my breast
then traced a scar on my cheek
that reads 'i loved you'
and then just like that
he stopped kindling the flame in me
and i was left to watch
my skin fall into the ash

it was then i decided
i would be happier with water than fire
and as soon as i stepped
in his cool blue eyes
i could feel the steam released
from my body like a sigh
i was baptized in his serenity
engulfed in his crisp language
and started to swallow
his words as to nourish myself
from the drought in my heart
but it all happened too quickly
his sweet words became rocks
in my stomach
he weighed me down
to a place i could not stand
i couldn't feel secure ground
i would try to keep my head held high
but a new wave of lies
would drown me
again and again and

so i gave up
and i let myself float to the shore
stable ground
haunting stillness in the air
dry and washed up
what a peaceful way to die
the earth surrounds me
they fill in the spaces between my fingers
but they are just temporary
i am alone with my scars and tears
trying to learn how to breathe again

almost on cue
you exhale and breeze that
twirls across my face
and sings in my lungs
making me gasp with surprise
you've always been there
whispering love notes in the wind
but i had no idea it felt this sweet
to be filled with you
to be full of your sencerity
its a brand new feeling to me
and now here we are
lying together high in this
billowy bright sky
breathing together
you blow in my ear
and cover me in kisses
i feel so alive with you
you surround me everywhere i go
like i'm protected by your
sweet nature
you have the heated passion
and the nourishing serenity
that my body craves
but you have a certain air about you
that makes you so lovable
so lets live in this moment
high off your oxygen and
high in the clouds
and lets never go back to reality
lets never come down

~if you really like one of these poems but it needs work then tell me what i should fix, i would really like to do well in this competition so any help i can get would be fantastic!! :D

2011 will be different

i remember very distinctly beginning this new year. i remember thinking that it was going to be a good year, because i was going to make it that way. and i remember thinking that things were going to change for the better, and that even though i had ended 2009 on a sour note, i wasn't going to let that bring me down. i had set very specific goals, of which i did meet, including buying myself a car and moving out of my parents house. then before i know it 2010 is over, and this year has been extremely difficult for me. i dont know why i feel so compelled it to share on my blog, but i think it will help make 2011 a little brighter and full of love and support, not just from my friends and family, but from myself. i think this will be a healing thing for me.. so! i hope you gain something from my story.
january '10, things were good on the outside. i had a new relationship, i was being social, i bought myself a car, with the help of my mechanic boyfriend, and i was in a good job that i loved. but during that time, i had just began to confront some problems that i had struggled with for years that i kept very secret. i have an eating disorder. it was in january that i told my best friend tanya, who had struggled with an eating disorder as well. i didnt have the heart to tell anybody else, i was very afraid of being judged. but most of my struggles this year have been with the fight of my self image and self confidence, and having a good healthy relationship with food. i have been doing a lot better. i have at least 900 calories a day. it has taken me through hell to eat that much or more a day, but things are getting progressively better.
april '10, i thought things were even better than before. i had started dating a guy i met at a coffee shop, he came off as this incredibly sweet and giving person, a true romantic. we both fell fast and moved very fast. after being exclusive for a few weeks we had decided to move in together. i didnt have the heart to tell my parents about it until the week of the move. i was afraid of them being so angry with me they wouldnt want anything to do with me until i had changed my ways, even then i was afraid it would be something they would hold over my head for the rest of my life. but i was so blinded by my feelings for him that i didnt care, i just figured that things would work themselves out. which by the way, i was very wrong and they are still standing by my side loving me despite my many mistakes. that first month after living with my boyfriend i was so happy. he was helpful around the apartment, i loved waking up next to him every morning, things just couldnt be better. and then almost over night, he became complacent. he just didnt try anymore. he didnt talk to me about anything, he didnt show any love and affection unless he wanted something more, i felt all i was to him was the sex buddy who paid for half the rent. and i let things slide in hopes things would change. i took up smoking, illegal drinking, and other activites i dont wish to share. i was not in a good place and i was very blind to it. those 6 months with him in the apartment seem like a blur.
september '10, i decided to make a change. i got a new job with a higher salary, in a different nursing home. it was a graveyard shift but i wanted a higher salary, so that i could be able to pay for rent myself.. i had a talk with my boyfriend discussing what would happen when our lease ran out in october. thats when i kicked him out of the apartment. i could see the hurt but he didnt argue. he slowly started packing up his things, but was taking his time, possibly hoping that i would change my mind. i thought that i'll just suck it up for one more month and officially break things off when he moves out. but my sanity couldnt take it.. and the breakup went like this.. "i think we should break up.." "..ok." and thats it! he got up, grabbed his pillow and blanket and slept on the couch. he was out the next day and took the next couple of weeks after that to get the rest of his things out of the apartment. i have been single since then.
october '10, it was an adjustment.. i had never been single before, or at least been single longer than a couple of weeks. i had also never had so much free time and i had never had so much personal space. i have shared everything all of my life, from the time i was 1 and jessi was born i've never had my own space, my own room. i went from sharing everything to having my own apartment.. it did not help that i worked graveyard shifts. working graveyard shifts not only increased my depression and bad health but it isolated me, i never saw anybody, i never socialized, i didnt do anything.. so my new goal was to find a new job or get a shift change. and also during this time, i made the choice to turn to drugs to help with my depression i had been fighting to fix all year. i'd have good days, but mainly bad days, and after talking with my doctor i believed that it was a chemical imbalance and something that is not entirely in my control. ever since taking antidepressants, i have noticed a difference in my mood and attitude. and another positive from this month, i had started going to open mic at greenhouse effect. i fell in love with poetry and the arts all over again. i turned to writing to let out more frustration and having a creative outlet, to this day, has helped me with my overall outlook on life.
november '10, i discovered blessings in disguise. i have a friend, sam smith, on his mission in new mexico. we had written off and on his first year out on his mission, and then my cousin, jacob ames, whom i'm very close to, left on his mission to honduras. i had the urge to write these 2 wonderful young men. and they both gave me some spiritual insight. after this difficult year, i thought it would be about time i turn to god for help. i have had a struggle with god ever since i was 15. i had a difficulty understanding him and his works and whether he was really there or not. after a particular letter from sam, he said the words i needed to hear. i had always concidered myself to be an open minded person, but sam said i should be open to ALL of gods blessings. thats when i realized i wasnt being open to everything god had availiable for me. i had decided to give god another chance. i go to church, i read the scriptures, i pray often, but my spiritual journey is far from over. i dont have everything figured out, and i never will. i have accepted that. it simply makes sense that there is a higher power who controls my fate. i know he loves me and wants the best for me. i dont know how i know, but it just makes sense to me, and the thought comforts me and brings me such peace of mind. a peace i didnt think i'd ever have. shortly after i have accepted god back into my life, i lost my job at holladay healthcare.
december '10, things keep looking up. i lost my job the week before thanksgiving, and i have been job hunting since then. i qualified for unemployment, thankfully, so i have been able to keep up on my bills. days after i was fired, my health improved, my attitude was more optimistic, and i was welcomed back into society again. i have been spending much more time with my family and friends. i have been able to keep myself busy with activities and writing a lot more poetry and i have just felt over all very balanced. very happy. i didnt realize how much i have needed this me time and i couldnt be more grateful for it. i will be going into this new year on a happy note.
what happens next....
this year, my resolution:
1. get a job
2. go to school
3. stay balanced
and i will succeed. 2011 will be different. 2011 will be better. :)

inspiring

my life has changed in these past few months more than i could say. and these changes have been for the best. i can honestly say i havent been this happy in a very long time. and i have complete peace of mind even in horrible situations. i cant tell you where this faith in myself came from, but all i know is that it is there and it didnt used to be. i think it has been all this time alone, its given myself that time to focus on my needs and even though i have a very vague view of the future, which is very unusual for me i always have everything planned, but i feel so comfortable with me as i am right now this very minute and i have never really been able to say that before. this past year, ever since november of last year to october of this year, i have been on the other end of the spectrum. i have made almost every mistake a person could make. thinking back on this year almost makes me sick. but seeing my progress in just these past couple of months, it amazes me. and i have some very very special people to thank for that.
first and formost i have to thank my wonderful family. i have put them through hell this year, and they have stood by me through every single piece of it, and are continually expressing their undying love for me and i couldnt be more blessed to have them in my life.
i am also incredibly grateful for tanya, by best friend. she not only picked up my ass off the ground from the messes of this year, but of all my messes through these past four years. the lord knew i was going to have these trials and that i would push my family and big group of friends away, so he gave me tanya and she has been the one steady thing in my life and everyday i am more and more grateful for her. i dont even want to think about the possibilities of where i would be without her.
i am grateful for greenhouse effect open mic. going there every sunday helps me open my mind open my soul and not be afraid to share it. they inspire me daily even though i only see them once a week. in fact, one of my friends from open mic told me this about inspiration: the meaning of spirit is breath. the latin root word of respiration means spirit. to inhale is to breath in life. to exhale is life, breath, escaping you. and to inspire is to put life, breath, spirit in somebody else. and that is quite literally what those wonderful wounded poets and musicians at greenhouse effect have done for me.
i am grateful for my many close friends who i havent given enough credit to. naomi has kept me strong. chelsey has kept me positive. jon has kept me happy. and i wouldnt be those things without them. i hope they know how much i love and appreciate them, even if i dont express my feelings to them all that often.
above all, i want to thank god. out of everybody that i have pushed out of my life and they were still there for me, god has been the prime example. and i have felt his love for me stronger now than i ever have before. i have had so many blessings in disguise and i havent discovered these many blessings until i accepted him back into my life. and as soon as i did i have felt him with me everywhere i go. i love him. i know he is there. and i know he is watching over me.

with that being said, anybody know of any place that is hiring? i'm having a hard time finding a job.. :)

maida in real life

for the past few weeks, amidst the strenuous job hunting, which has been unsuccessful so far but i am officially unemployed by the state so i've been getting a little something for bills which is good, i've been watching the movie dan in real life over and over again. i was trying to figure out why that is, and i've come to the conclusion that it is because the whole feel of the movie, the want and desire for love, is what i've been feeling lately. it helped inspire these poems.

~confessions

i haven't had a drink in two weeks
i haven't had a joint in one month
i haven't had a cigarette in two months
i haven't had sex in....
i haven't held a man's hand in three months
i haven't been kissed, truly kissed, in six months
i haven't been loved in a year....

when i see these happy couples
with the Beatles playing in the background
you know what i want
you know what i crave
i hunger for touch
i want to feel a man's hand on my knee
i want to hear his breathe hot on my ear
i want to feel the difference between
his fingertips and his lips
you ask me how could i possibly be single
this sweet pretty soul
well i am single because i'm too good for them
or am i single because my love is too much
for men to handle
or is it just simply because i date assholes
who don't know what they have until
they break my heart
i'm trying to understand just as much as you are
why am i single
why are some wonderful people alone
i'm not the only one
so here's a shout out to the lonely people
lets get together and show
those happy couples and the Beatles
what real love looks like
lets breathe in sync
lets tie our fingers to eachother
lets complete our worlds
lets wrap me in your skin
and i'll wrap you in mine
lets grind our bones together and
mix our sweat and saliva
lets give new meaning to lust
lets give new meaning to desire
lets give new meaning to devoted
i will love you by giving you my loneliness
so that you can dispose of it and fill in
my puzzle piece over my heart
with your name
and i will wear your name proudly
so confess my darling
and let me wear you

~fall

my favorite season is autumn
i fall in love with the leaves
the life escaping the earth
and ejected into the sky
so we can breathe the life of
old gold summer and watch
the colorful world fall at our feet
to me autumn resembles maturity
falling out of flings
embracing life around you
and sharing it with everyone
to me summer resembled you
stuck in your sunshine
warm uncommitted breeze
and spontaneity
all i wanted was to share
life with you
a life you kept to the wind

but after you flew away

left me to freeze in winter
you opened your eyes
and they turned rich red
full of life
that you choose to share
with her
my least favorite season is winter
i try to fill my void
with empty sex and
empty wine bottles
and empty cigarette cartons
in empty rooms
and at the end of the day
trying to feel something
i am only empty
i watch you love her
while my reflection watches me
trying to convince myself
that i have a beautiful soul
that i am not empty
i finally learn to pick up pieces
of my sorry ass off the ground
and relearn how to
fill my lungs with clean air
the season i live in is spring
i'm regrowing, rebuilding
feeling rejuvenated

and then there you are
bright red and beautiful
but i see around your edges
you're getting worn
you're dissolving slowly
into your winter
but baby, this time
i won't go where you go
i'll let you break
i'll let you fall
i'll let you be covered and consumed
by your sadness buried in the ground
and after you pink up your pieces
that's when you can see me and
talk about that old summer glow

unemployed

friday, november 19, was a bad day.

that morning i woke feeling nauseous. good start. at about noon i get a text message from my supervisor at work asking me to come in and see her, that it was urgent and i had to see her that day. i told her i wasn't feeling well, but i'd go see her in a couple hours. at 230 i go to work and she greats me with a smile and tells me to come on back to her office to talk. we sit down, first thing she says to me....
we've decided to terminate you.
wtf.

back tracking -- saturday, november 13, i was just starting to feel that same nausea that was torturing me all week. i slept all day hoping the bug would go away, but i went to work feeling ill. to describe how my work..night..went, i would get there at 11 pm, we (the two other cnas and me) would fill up clean ice mugs and pass them out to all of our residents (on the top floor, which was where i was working that particular night, there is about 50 residents, split between the three of us for the whole night), after that we wash wheelchairs, and 1 am that is our first round, we go around and check on all of our residents make sure their clean, rotate them in bed if we need to, hydrate them, ect, at 3 am we have second round, and 5 am we have third round, then chart and answer call lights, leave at 7 am. this particular night, i was not feeling well at all, and at around 3 am, when i was supposed to be doing second round, i felt as though i was going to throw up. so, instead of throwing up on the old people, i step out for a little bit til my stomach settles. i go to start my round at about 330, thats when nurse karen approached me..
back tracking a little bit more -- nurse karen hates me. i have no idea why. she was the only coworker there that complained about me. for whatever reason, she thought i didn't do my work and wasn't doing all my rounds. IF i wasn't doing all my rounds, that would be considered neglect, which in a much more serious case would cost me my license. it is a form of abuse.
going back -- nurse karen, thinking that i always don't do my job, decided to keep tabs on me so that she could report me because i apparently bug her so much.... well since i was late to do my second round, it LOOKED as though i wasn't doing my rounds. i saw no reason to defend myself to her because of her unprovoked bias against me, so i just took the verbal beating, ending with a threat of her writing me up if i did not do my round right that second, and went on to do my job. well, she wrote me up anyways.
going back -- so at the end of the business day at the end of the week, my supervisor graces me with the wonderful news of canning me under false pretenses. i felt like i was going to throw up on her. maybe i should have.. instead i put up my defenses, told her i was ill, told her karen was a beast that hated me for no good reason, but she had made up her mind. she, along with all the supervisors, are nazis.. if she asked anybody else their opinion on me, they ALL would have said nothing but good things. but no, instead they just get rid of me before my 90 days are up. jerks.

so..hoping this will be the ONLY time in my life that i ever have to file for unemployment. i have a friend that is the manager of eye glass world who might possibly line me a job. and many other friends have offered to help me out in this unfortunate situation. as crappy as this is, i have realized how this is totally and completely a blessing in disguise. i have been needing to get out of that graveyard shift so badly. in fact, the reason i was so sick last week is because i haven't been well rested in so long that my immune system wasn't working like it should. and even just these few days since then, i have noticed i have been in a better mood, i haven't had as many headaches, and i have been able to spend more time with my friends and family. and even though this is an incredibly horrible situation..slightly worried about paying bills for next month..but i know that i will be ok. another thing that has changed in this past week, really the past month, i have felt more good vibes/ positive mojo/ holy spirit, whatever it is called. i just feel a lot more spiritually inspired. and this closeness to god has given me comfort that things will work out. i'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out, but i have faith. it has been a while since i've said that, but i mean it with my heart and soul. i truly believe that everything will be alright. you're thoughts and prayers would be appreciated though.. i'm grateful for good vibes no matter where they come from :)

as my blog should always end, i wrote a poem. this poem is so ironic.... i started writing this poem before i got fired, but had a hard time finishing it.. but open mic at greenhouse effect always inspires me and i had enough artistic inspiration to finish it, but thats not the point. i thought it was funny that the one poem i write about work i write it as i get fired.... sigh....
this poem is dedicated to the many people in the nursing field.

grim riper

i am blessed
i am reminded of this everytday
in my work place
everyday i see these
young minds in withered bodies
when i see the result
of wounded hearts
and childhood fears
brought to reality
this disease will consume us all
with or without the diagnosis
dementia is unavoidable
all it does is make us forget
makes us fear the same
nightmares that made us tremble
when we first recognized the emotion
of terror
and that is when they are brought
to the poor souls like me
i was trained to nurse the elderly
back to a comforting state
to treat these adults like the children
they truly are inside
but these poor children don't know
who i am
they don't know
that i am that little smile they see
before they leave this world
for some in this home
i am their only family
i am their next generation
that sits by their side
before their final sleep
some even call me by their daughter's name
the one who never visits
who left their mother to die
and calls only to pay the bill
she is the nightmare
i am the relief
and mom's future is a dream
when she asks me
to sit with her so she won't die alone
i am reminded on my fears
i feel her terror
and like a child
she grips my hand with
what strength she has
and like a mother
she asks only one thing of me
to spend these few moments with her
that's when i realize my fate
and i realize being that last friendly face
i am close to god
and his mighty touch
not only comforts the mothers i care for
but me as well
the fear is inevitable
but i have comfort
that there are poor souls like me
who will smile at death
and hold onto a lifeless hand
just to keep the childhood monsters away

second chance

i have now been a single woman for almost a whole two months. amazing! hey, thats longer than i've ever been single before. and these past two months have been completely eye opening. i have learned so much about myself and more about what i need versus what i want. i dont have everything figured out, but i am definitely willing to learn more.
things i have learned about myself:
-i am a selfish person
-i dont listen to other people's advice
-i act like i can be a leader, but i have always been a follower
-i was not meant to work graveyard shifts
things i'm going to do about it:
-pause, breathe, and soften my heart
-with my softened heart, also open my mind
-do what makes me happy, not just short term, but a lasting happiness
-get another freaking job....no more being an ass wiper/cna. gonna find something that makes me truely happy (this goes along with the goal up above, lasting happiness will also be found in glorious new fantasy job..)
i am ready for my new chance at a happy life. i decided long ago to never regret anything. and i dont. not one piece of my life. good has come out of every situation, whether i've seen it or it was something small i haven't seen yet. i am learning from the ups and downs of my past, most especially these past four years, and these next four plus years will be better and happier, and filled with more ups than downs.
its not a true blog of mine without a poem.

baby steps

her hands of clay
are still soft
one day her hands want
to work
one day her hands want
to heal
one day her hands want
to comfort
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her hands are not stiff
her hands of clay
are still soft

her heart of wings
is still developing
one day her heart wants
to soar
one day her heart wants
to sing
one day her heart wants
to escape
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her heart is not ready
her heart of wings
is still developing

her mind of miles
is taking baby steps
one day her mind wants
to explore
one day her mind wants
to create
one day her mind wants
to run
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her mind is still young
her mind of miles
is taking baby steps