save the tits

i'm spending more time in the hospital today. my grandmother has breast cancer for a second time. she is having a double mastectomy as we speak. you hear about how much cancer sucks and all of that but it is something that you almost have to experience yourself to feel the full affects of how much it really does suck. and for those who dont know my grandma, she is one of the strongest women i know, and i know a fair share of amazingly strong spirited women. my grandma is on the top of the list. to see her in this situation and to see her crumble under this kind of trauma.. it has shaken me to my core. there is such a high statistic of women that get breast cancer, but today, i have never felt more protective of my boobs, like it was my womanhood on my chest. this whole situation has given me an underlining fear of someday losing my own breasts. but instead of dreading a future i have no control over, i will pray for my grandma and her spirit, and that when she comes out of surgery in an hour, she wont feel like her womanhood has been cut off, because to me she IS womanhood. strong, independent, and she doesn't need boobs to tell her so.
keep all the many women who also have this struggle in your prayers.
think pink.

i live alone.. but i am never alone

have you ever broken up with someone you were living with?

its hard.
and it sucks.


-imbalanced

i live alone
but i am not alone

as the room empties
my soul feels lost
he packs his things
and my head feels heavy

i live alone
but i am not alone

just me and my
lonely bed
with only the hope to
live another day
alone

i live alone
but i am not alone

want to be independent
live in quiet confidence
be the woman
who has a man
but doesn't need a man
must be happy with myself
before i can be happy with
someone else
but are those women happy
with themselves? am i
striving for a life
no one has
do we all need somebody
or do we all want somebody
what is the difference?
in the end
we're all alone

i live alone
but i am not alone

how does the story
really end

i live alone
but i am not alone

do we only have god
to get us through his own tests
is that cheating
a selfish act to make yourself
the answers to your own questions
is that what i'm trying to do
when i kicked love out of my life
trying to life alone
stand my lonely ground
i don't believe god
is the only answer
god isn't selfish
like me
he made his children love
for a reason. so why
do i feel the need
to do everything myself

i live alone
but i am not alone

when will i accept this
phrase into my life
into my heart
when i'm thirty single and
still living alone?
when will i embrace that
i'm meant to love
not just myself
not just god
when will i be happy
with myself
with god
with whom?
why can't i have it all
the perfect balance

how does the story
really end

i live alone
but i am never alone

right now..

its hard to blog when you dont have internet..
i'm now living in millcreek with brendan. have been for the past five months. i turned 19 last month. got a tattoo. got an extra piercing. got a new cna job. i feel like a real adult. and yet i still go home to mom at least once a week for laundry.. greeting her with the song from dr horrible's sing along blog.. "laundry day. see you there. under things tumbling.."
i have yet to figure out exactly what i want to do with the rest of my life..
i have now figured out to a T but i dont want to be a cna for the rest of my life.. i dont even know what i'm going to do two months from now..
taking things one step at a time.

haven't had a whole lot of poetic thoughts in my head lately but i have written one that i'm proud of
its untitled

and i made that choice
gave it all up
for you my love
i chose to love you
chose to live for you
and now i stand
on middle ground
a thin place to dance
tip toeing through this dark
a light to follow or
a light to ignore
no obligation
nothing holding me back
only you my love
i'll hold onto you
and dream of that light
that i blew out
the choice i made
all for you my love
live in this silence
die in this darkness

today

today i have decided that love is a choice.
attraction is a chemical switch in your brain that you can't control.
but love is a lifestyle, a mindset that you either chose to partake in or chose to pass by.

i was not quoting anything or anyone this time. that was all me.

the past week has just simply been an eye opener for me. trying to be a friend to someone angry with me and leaving in a week, will be gone for 6+ months. quickly recovered from a minor heartache, but pretty sure he's still in the dark. want to save him but can't. totally and completely ready to write off men right as he comes into my life and completely and totally takes me be surprise. "swept me off my feet". i'm a little confused and scared but a part of me knows that everything really is going to work out and be ok this time around. i hope this optimistic side of me is right. i honestly will consider being single for the rest of my life if my heart is ripped to shreds in front of my face again.

too much boy drama. ready for it to stop. ready to actually feel loved by someone.
i know i can make that conscious choice to love, but can i find someone, a Man not a Boy, to chose to love me too?.... i have to remind myself that i'm young maybe in a few years i will. i've always been impatient..

self discovery

three different poems i've worked on the past few weeks. discribes pretty well all the craziness going through my head this month.....hope you like them!

~anxiety

i'm afraid of you
and the happiness you give me
i'm questioning if its real
i'm wondereing if its worth another risk
are you worth another heartache
i'm discovering this dusty wall
that he built around my shattered heart
that he shoved back in my scarred chest
i do want you to have this heart
i hope youre able to find its key
i hope i can find yours
let me heal this shattered heart
i see in your scarred chest
let me kiss your scars and
you can kiss mine
allow me to touch your shy soul and
you can touch mine
let me inside your lonely tears and
you can step inside mine
and we don't have to be lonely anymore
for the first time we can be one

i know i scare you
and the happiness i give you
your questioning if you're awake
wondering if i'm the real risk
if i'll give you more heartache
maybe we're having the same dream
i hope the nightmare ends soon
and we don't have to go through
this misery alone.


~chimerical

i'm restlessly tired
full battery, low energy
trasparent smile covering
my tear stained face
feet glued to the ground
while everyone i love is
jumping comfortably into
thier new skin
i don't know who this is
this scarred, tarred body
lying naked in the harsh cold
no where for shelter
no love for protection
i feel the need to be a hero
but now it looks as if
i need the saving
but no one here only
this broken soul of mine
i can't do this alone
where are you
my knight my heart
don't keep me waiting
i don't have enough strength
to hold onto this chimerical idea
that you will sweep me away
into the summer sunrise
just someone, anyone
help me to sleep
dream this all away


~metaphysics

in one life she's depressed
in one life she's worthless
in one life she's an invisible child
in one life she's barely skin and bones
in one life she's a nervous shy wallflower
in one life she's
in one life
in one life
in one life
in this life....

(its all about choice)
i'm already living those lives
but my conscious is. here
who will i be? ___

no matter what i will be (breathing)
the same oxygen
that i can't. see
no matter what i will (awake)
from some. slumber
in some bed

(its all about fate)
everything is set in stone
every (choice) every life....
but i am. not ___

in one life she's a spark in space
in one life she's a blur in memory
in one life she's
in this life i'm (better).
in this life. i'll overcome and endure
i'll (inhale) deeply knowing
there will. always be air
that will help keep my pieced heart beating
i'll (wake) with purpose
and with no. reason to
change my fate just to
change my attitude
i'll be (confident) (beautiful) (infinite)
(it's my choice it's my fate)
it's my life....

invisible monsters

"now, you are going to tell me your story like you just did. write it down. tell that story over and over. tell me your sad-assed story all night. when you understand that what you're telling is just a story. it isn't happening anymore. when you realize the story is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

"television makes us god. when you watch daytime dramas you can look in on anybody. there's a different life on every channel, and almost every hour the lives change. it's the same as those live video web sites. you can watch the whole world without it knowing.
and if you believe that we really have free will, then you know that god can't really control us. and since god cant control us all god does is watch and change channels when he gets bored."

"when did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?"

"only when we eat up this planet will god give us another. we'll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we create."

these are all quotes from the novel invisible monsters by chuck palahniuk. i suggest this book to everyone. it really makes you think.. and i love it so much!

"immature love: i love him because i need him. mature love: i need him because i love him" -i wish i remember who said that..

here's my recent poetry

~ something to lose, someone to live for

i've never felt this before
a burning in my heart
an unquestionable peace in my soul
a jitterey butterfly with a broken wing
taking flight for the first time
in my abdomen
a shock to the heart
only his touch can provide
a tenderness
only his kiss possesses
an excitement only this
fear of losing him can fuel

like two small children recognizing emotion for the first time
shy to trust
quick to love

i am guilty of this
this i've never felt before
and i feel it
every time i hear his name
and see his dark eyes watching me with car
as i fall asleep in his arms

and i pray that this is where i will be


~luminary lyric

beauty comes from the darkest place in hell
upon finding it, it stays with you
making hell a paradise brighter than heaven
enhanced colors and shit filters make a fairytale
too good to be true

but what if it's reality
a life that is touchable
hear every shy shudder in his sigh
feel the electricity in his stare
see every sun ray in his demeanor
luminous in this hell
digest every moment and get an honest response

and honestly?

i love every piece of him
i know this is the lyrical love i need

; i need him because i love him