today

today i have decided that love is a choice.
attraction is a chemical switch in your brain that you can't control.
but love is a lifestyle, a mindset that you either chose to partake in or chose to pass by.

i was not quoting anything or anyone this time. that was all me.

the past week has just simply been an eye opener for me. trying to be a friend to someone angry with me and leaving in a week, will be gone for 6+ months. quickly recovered from a minor heartache, but pretty sure he's still in the dark. want to save him but can't. totally and completely ready to write off men right as he comes into my life and completely and totally takes me be surprise. "swept me off my feet". i'm a little confused and scared but a part of me knows that everything really is going to work out and be ok this time around. i hope this optimistic side of me is right. i honestly will consider being single for the rest of my life if my heart is ripped to shreds in front of my face again.

too much boy drama. ready for it to stop. ready to actually feel loved by someone.
i know i can make that conscious choice to love, but can i find someone, a Man not a Boy, to chose to love me too?.... i have to remind myself that i'm young maybe in a few years i will. i've always been impatient..

self discovery

three different poems i've worked on the past few weeks. discribes pretty well all the craziness going through my head this month.....hope you like them!

~anxiety

i'm afraid of you
and the happiness you give me
i'm questioning if its real
i'm wondereing if its worth another risk
are you worth another heartache
i'm discovering this dusty wall
that he built around my shattered heart
that he shoved back in my scarred chest
i do want you to have this heart
i hope youre able to find its key
i hope i can find yours
let me heal this shattered heart
i see in your scarred chest
let me kiss your scars and
you can kiss mine
allow me to touch your shy soul and
you can touch mine
let me inside your lonely tears and
you can step inside mine
and we don't have to be lonely anymore
for the first time we can be one

i know i scare you
and the happiness i give you
your questioning if you're awake
wondering if i'm the real risk
if i'll give you more heartache
maybe we're having the same dream
i hope the nightmare ends soon
and we don't have to go through
this misery alone.


~chimerical

i'm restlessly tired
full battery, low energy
trasparent smile covering
my tear stained face
feet glued to the ground
while everyone i love is
jumping comfortably into
thier new skin
i don't know who this is
this scarred, tarred body
lying naked in the harsh cold
no where for shelter
no love for protection
i feel the need to be a hero
but now it looks as if
i need the saving
but no one here only
this broken soul of mine
i can't do this alone
where are you
my knight my heart
don't keep me waiting
i don't have enough strength
to hold onto this chimerical idea
that you will sweep me away
into the summer sunrise
just someone, anyone
help me to sleep
dream this all away


~metaphysics

in one life she's depressed
in one life she's worthless
in one life she's an invisible child
in one life she's barely skin and bones
in one life she's a nervous shy wallflower
in one life she's
in one life
in one life
in one life
in this life....

(its all about choice)
i'm already living those lives
but my conscious is. here
who will i be? ___

no matter what i will be (breathing)
the same oxygen
that i can't. see
no matter what i will (awake)
from some. slumber
in some bed

(its all about fate)
everything is set in stone
every (choice) every life....
but i am. not ___

in one life she's a spark in space
in one life she's a blur in memory
in one life she's
in this life i'm (better).
in this life. i'll overcome and endure
i'll (inhale) deeply knowing
there will. always be air
that will help keep my pieced heart beating
i'll (wake) with purpose
and with no. reason to
change my fate just to
change my attitude
i'll be (confident) (beautiful) (infinite)
(it's my choice it's my fate)
it's my life....

invisible monsters

"now, you are going to tell me your story like you just did. write it down. tell that story over and over. tell me your sad-assed story all night. when you understand that what you're telling is just a story. it isn't happening anymore. when you realize the story is just words, when you can just crumble it up and throw your past in the trashcan, then we'll figure out who you're going to be."

"television makes us god. when you watch daytime dramas you can look in on anybody. there's a different life on every channel, and almost every hour the lives change. it's the same as those live video web sites. you can watch the whole world without it knowing.
and if you believe that we really have free will, then you know that god can't really control us. and since god cant control us all god does is watch and change channels when he gets bored."

"when did the future switch from being a promise to being a threat?"

"only when we eat up this planet will god give us another. we'll be remembered more for what we destroy than what we create."

these are all quotes from the novel invisible monsters by chuck palahniuk. i suggest this book to everyone. it really makes you think.. and i love it so much!

"immature love: i love him because i need him. mature love: i need him because i love him" -i wish i remember who said that..

here's my recent poetry

~ something to lose, someone to live for

i've never felt this before
a burning in my heart
an unquestionable peace in my soul
a jitterey butterfly with a broken wing
taking flight for the first time
in my abdomen
a shock to the heart
only his touch can provide
a tenderness
only his kiss possesses
an excitement only this
fear of losing him can fuel

like two small children recognizing emotion for the first time
shy to trust
quick to love

i am guilty of this
this i've never felt before
and i feel it
every time i hear his name
and see his dark eyes watching me with car
as i fall asleep in his arms

and i pray that this is where i will be


~luminary lyric

beauty comes from the darkest place in hell
upon finding it, it stays with you
making hell a paradise brighter than heaven
enhanced colors and shit filters make a fairytale
too good to be true

but what if it's reality
a life that is touchable
hear every shy shudder in his sigh
feel the electricity in his stare
see every sun ray in his demeanor
luminous in this hell
digest every moment and get an honest response

and honestly?

i love every piece of him
i know this is the lyrical love i need

; i need him because i love him

its love not santa clause

looking forward and depending on people being in your future isn't smart. its best to plan your future. just yours. if someone wants to come along for the ride then wonderful. but until they have made that final vow to always follow you then dont get your hopes up. keep the walls around your heart until he's down on one knee and youre ready to say yes. be careful love sick ladies. no matter what age heartbreak hurts and doesnt fully go away until that love is put in a different direction.
sigh.. ok my rant is done! since i'm a positive person and hate ending an update on a negative note, here are my current inspirations.

cameren cloward. he is like my soul's twin. its scary how alike we are. he's very sweet and sensitive and easy to talk to and easy to listen to and i could go on and on how great my new best friend is but just know he's a great guy ;)


say anything. cam introduced me to this band and i fell in love. favorite song at the moment is do better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHKZK6tZiEU&feature=related

the perks of being a wallflower. cam suggested this book to me and, again, i fell in love. i highly suggest this book to everyone. its sad its sweet its funny its beautiful its poetic its honest its brutal its raw its..its infinite. just read it! gah! i love it..

nurse jackie. cam and i sat down and watched almost the whole first season in one sitting. fell. in. love. its on showtime its about an emergency room nurse with an addiction to prescription drugs. how beautifully ironic is that?? and its just so real and makes me want to become a nurse even more than i already do. although not an emergency room nurse. no way in hell could i ever do that..i'd be like the character zoe and be awkward and clumsy and just doesnt handle the stress well. but a lot of the work is the same. a nurse is a nurse. i love it. i highly suggest this wonderful show. i'm so very excited for the second season in march!

favorite quotes:
"we accept the love we think we deserve" -the perks of being a wallflower
"in that moment i swear we were infinite" -the perks of being a wallflower (read it)
"doctors diagnose, we heal" -nurse jackie
"its love not santa clause" -500 days of summer
"someone to live for, something to lose"
"if you cant change your fate, change your attitude"

good start

its been a while.. here is the update!
1. i chopped all my hair off. its in a pixie cut now and i absolutely love it! everybody at work calls me tinkerbell or pixie and i have embraced my inner fairy :)
2. i work all the time. i sometimes feel like i have no life.
3. for the past week i have pretty much lived at my bff's house. i slept in my bed once this week. its been an awesome holiday
4. the month of december i had a different boy every week. single life has been fun :) but now....
5. i have a new boy thats a little more permanent! :D his name is matt he is a Major sweetheart! i've known him since sophomore year we have mutual friends and we went on a few dates and really hit it off :) he's leaving in march going to basic. i got myself an army boy! and i am a full supporter of him. it will be very very sad when he leaves but i will take advantage of the time i have with him now :)
thats about all you've missed. havent been all that busy.. but its ok :) i had a Great new years eve! me matt tanya and matt's bff kinky (yes thats his name) went clubbing! it was way fun :) and with this new year i hope to accomplish a whole lot..
1. this month i am getting me a car
2. end of april i am moving out of my parents house
3. end of the summer i will be attending my first year at slcc and start on my education to be a nurse
and all of this that i will be accomplishing i will be doing on my own.. wish me luck!!

what do you think?..

ok so i haven't updated in a while... its been a really long time since i have been this busy.... but deep down i love it :) so! i will update!
so last time i wrote i was about to start my cna class. well now i am half way through and i realy really like it a lot!! it is most definitely a really really hard job.. i just got back from work today and its just really really hard..but i really really enjoy it :) its rewarding and makes me appreciate my life so much!!! .....and my paycheck is awesome..... :) and the more and more that i do this job and finish up my class the more i am inspired to be a nurse! i think i would be a great nurse and i would love my job :) so i think my plans are gonna change as far as where i'm going to school and such.....which excites me!!
but man all the busyness all of the sudden has gotten me soooo tired!!! and i find myself a lot more grumpier at home which i feel bad for..but once i'm finished with the class and once i have a more set schedule for work i'll be able to relax more :) and i'm excited for that too!!
so now i am faced with a slight dilemma.. nurse or massage therapist? i would definitely do some good as a nurse but i still love the thought of being a massage therapist.. i like the work environment that being a massage therapist would bring.. but i would do more good as a nurse.. what do you think?..
and..off the subject..i am faced with another dilemma.....halloween is coming up......should i be the queen of hearts or betty boop?...... cuz i recently dyed my hair its natural color which is a dark brown..lot darker than i thought..its almost as dark as my moms hair..i had no idea cuz i have been a redhead for so long!! anyways. now that i have this dark hair i should take advantage of it for halloween!! i have been characters or just someone with red hair and i couldnt be anyone interesting with dark brown hair cuz i didnt have it!! so i narrowed it down to the queen of hearts of betty boop..well more like my friend tanya narrowed it down to those two but still.. so.. what do you think?..