2011 will be different

i remember very distinctly beginning this new year. i remember thinking that it was going to be a good year, because i was going to make it that way. and i remember thinking that things were going to change for the better, and that even though i had ended 2009 on a sour note, i wasn't going to let that bring me down. i had set very specific goals, of which i did meet, including buying myself a car and moving out of my parents house. then before i know it 2010 is over, and this year has been extremely difficult for me. i dont know why i feel so compelled it to share on my blog, but i think it will help make 2011 a little brighter and full of love and support, not just from my friends and family, but from myself. i think this will be a healing thing for me.. so! i hope you gain something from my story.
january '10, things were good on the outside. i had a new relationship, i was being social, i bought myself a car, with the help of my mechanic boyfriend, and i was in a good job that i loved. but during that time, i had just began to confront some problems that i had struggled with for years that i kept very secret. i have an eating disorder. it was in january that i told my best friend tanya, who had struggled with an eating disorder as well. i didnt have the heart to tell anybody else, i was very afraid of being judged. but most of my struggles this year have been with the fight of my self image and self confidence, and having a good healthy relationship with food. i have been doing a lot better. i have at least 900 calories a day. it has taken me through hell to eat that much or more a day, but things are getting progressively better.
april '10, i thought things were even better than before. i had started dating a guy i met at a coffee shop, he came off as this incredibly sweet and giving person, a true romantic. we both fell fast and moved very fast. after being exclusive for a few weeks we had decided to move in together. i didnt have the heart to tell my parents about it until the week of the move. i was afraid of them being so angry with me they wouldnt want anything to do with me until i had changed my ways, even then i was afraid it would be something they would hold over my head for the rest of my life. but i was so blinded by my feelings for him that i didnt care, i just figured that things would work themselves out. which by the way, i was very wrong and they are still standing by my side loving me despite my many mistakes. that first month after living with my boyfriend i was so happy. he was helpful around the apartment, i loved waking up next to him every morning, things just couldnt be better. and then almost over night, he became complacent. he just didnt try anymore. he didnt talk to me about anything, he didnt show any love and affection unless he wanted something more, i felt all i was to him was the sex buddy who paid for half the rent. and i let things slide in hopes things would change. i took up smoking, illegal drinking, and other activites i dont wish to share. i was not in a good place and i was very blind to it. those 6 months with him in the apartment seem like a blur.
september '10, i decided to make a change. i got a new job with a higher salary, in a different nursing home. it was a graveyard shift but i wanted a higher salary, so that i could be able to pay for rent myself.. i had a talk with my boyfriend discussing what would happen when our lease ran out in october. thats when i kicked him out of the apartment. i could see the hurt but he didnt argue. he slowly started packing up his things, but was taking his time, possibly hoping that i would change my mind. i thought that i'll just suck it up for one more month and officially break things off when he moves out. but my sanity couldnt take it.. and the breakup went like this.. "i think we should break up.." "..ok." and thats it! he got up, grabbed his pillow and blanket and slept on the couch. he was out the next day and took the next couple of weeks after that to get the rest of his things out of the apartment. i have been single since then.
october '10, it was an adjustment.. i had never been single before, or at least been single longer than a couple of weeks. i had also never had so much free time and i had never had so much personal space. i have shared everything all of my life, from the time i was 1 and jessi was born i've never had my own space, my own room. i went from sharing everything to having my own apartment.. it did not help that i worked graveyard shifts. working graveyard shifts not only increased my depression and bad health but it isolated me, i never saw anybody, i never socialized, i didnt do anything.. so my new goal was to find a new job or get a shift change. and also during this time, i made the choice to turn to drugs to help with my depression i had been fighting to fix all year. i'd have good days, but mainly bad days, and after talking with my doctor i believed that it was a chemical imbalance and something that is not entirely in my control. ever since taking antidepressants, i have noticed a difference in my mood and attitude. and another positive from this month, i had started going to open mic at greenhouse effect. i fell in love with poetry and the arts all over again. i turned to writing to let out more frustration and having a creative outlet, to this day, has helped me with my overall outlook on life.
november '10, i discovered blessings in disguise. i have a friend, sam smith, on his mission in new mexico. we had written off and on his first year out on his mission, and then my cousin, jacob ames, whom i'm very close to, left on his mission to honduras. i had the urge to write these 2 wonderful young men. and they both gave me some spiritual insight. after this difficult year, i thought it would be about time i turn to god for help. i have had a struggle with god ever since i was 15. i had a difficulty understanding him and his works and whether he was really there or not. after a particular letter from sam, he said the words i needed to hear. i had always concidered myself to be an open minded person, but sam said i should be open to ALL of gods blessings. thats when i realized i wasnt being open to everything god had availiable for me. i had decided to give god another chance. i go to church, i read the scriptures, i pray often, but my spiritual journey is far from over. i dont have everything figured out, and i never will. i have accepted that. it simply makes sense that there is a higher power who controls my fate. i know he loves me and wants the best for me. i dont know how i know, but it just makes sense to me, and the thought comforts me and brings me such peace of mind. a peace i didnt think i'd ever have. shortly after i have accepted god back into my life, i lost my job at holladay healthcare.
december '10, things keep looking up. i lost my job the week before thanksgiving, and i have been job hunting since then. i qualified for unemployment, thankfully, so i have been able to keep up on my bills. days after i was fired, my health improved, my attitude was more optimistic, and i was welcomed back into society again. i have been spending much more time with my family and friends. i have been able to keep myself busy with activities and writing a lot more poetry and i have just felt over all very balanced. very happy. i didnt realize how much i have needed this me time and i couldnt be more grateful for it. i will be going into this new year on a happy note.
what happens next....
this year, my resolution:
1. get a job
2. go to school
3. stay balanced
and i will succeed. 2011 will be different. 2011 will be better. :)

inspiring

my life has changed in these past few months more than i could say. and these changes have been for the best. i can honestly say i havent been this happy in a very long time. and i have complete peace of mind even in horrible situations. i cant tell you where this faith in myself came from, but all i know is that it is there and it didnt used to be. i think it has been all this time alone, its given myself that time to focus on my needs and even though i have a very vague view of the future, which is very unusual for me i always have everything planned, but i feel so comfortable with me as i am right now this very minute and i have never really been able to say that before. this past year, ever since november of last year to october of this year, i have been on the other end of the spectrum. i have made almost every mistake a person could make. thinking back on this year almost makes me sick. but seeing my progress in just these past couple of months, it amazes me. and i have some very very special people to thank for that.
first and formost i have to thank my wonderful family. i have put them through hell this year, and they have stood by me through every single piece of it, and are continually expressing their undying love for me and i couldnt be more blessed to have them in my life.
i am also incredibly grateful for tanya, by best friend. she not only picked up my ass off the ground from the messes of this year, but of all my messes through these past four years. the lord knew i was going to have these trials and that i would push my family and big group of friends away, so he gave me tanya and she has been the one steady thing in my life and everyday i am more and more grateful for her. i dont even want to think about the possibilities of where i would be without her.
i am grateful for greenhouse effect open mic. going there every sunday helps me open my mind open my soul and not be afraid to share it. they inspire me daily even though i only see them once a week. in fact, one of my friends from open mic told me this about inspiration: the meaning of spirit is breath. the latin root word of respiration means spirit. to inhale is to breath in life. to exhale is life, breath, escaping you. and to inspire is to put life, breath, spirit in somebody else. and that is quite literally what those wonderful wounded poets and musicians at greenhouse effect have done for me.
i am grateful for my many close friends who i havent given enough credit to. naomi has kept me strong. chelsey has kept me positive. jon has kept me happy. and i wouldnt be those things without them. i hope they know how much i love and appreciate them, even if i dont express my feelings to them all that often.
above all, i want to thank god. out of everybody that i have pushed out of my life and they were still there for me, god has been the prime example. and i have felt his love for me stronger now than i ever have before. i have had so many blessings in disguise and i havent discovered these many blessings until i accepted him back into my life. and as soon as i did i have felt him with me everywhere i go. i love him. i know he is there. and i know he is watching over me.

with that being said, anybody know of any place that is hiring? i'm having a hard time finding a job.. :)

maida in real life

for the past few weeks, amidst the strenuous job hunting, which has been unsuccessful so far but i am officially unemployed by the state so i've been getting a little something for bills which is good, i've been watching the movie dan in real life over and over again. i was trying to figure out why that is, and i've come to the conclusion that it is because the whole feel of the movie, the want and desire for love, is what i've been feeling lately. it helped inspire these poems.

~confessions

i haven't had a drink in two weeks
i haven't had a joint in one month
i haven't had a cigarette in two months
i haven't had sex in....
i haven't held a man's hand in three months
i haven't been kissed, truly kissed, in six months
i haven't been loved in a year....

when i see these happy couples
with the Beatles playing in the background
you know what i want
you know what i crave
i hunger for touch
i want to feel a man's hand on my knee
i want to hear his breathe hot on my ear
i want to feel the difference between
his fingertips and his lips
you ask me how could i possibly be single
this sweet pretty soul
well i am single because i'm too good for them
or am i single because my love is too much
for men to handle
or is it just simply because i date assholes
who don't know what they have until
they break my heart
i'm trying to understand just as much as you are
why am i single
why are some wonderful people alone
i'm not the only one
so here's a shout out to the lonely people
lets get together and show
those happy couples and the Beatles
what real love looks like
lets breathe in sync
lets tie our fingers to eachother
lets complete our worlds
lets wrap me in your skin
and i'll wrap you in mine
lets grind our bones together and
mix our sweat and saliva
lets give new meaning to lust
lets give new meaning to desire
lets give new meaning to devoted
i will love you by giving you my loneliness
so that you can dispose of it and fill in
my puzzle piece over my heart
with your name
and i will wear your name proudly
so confess my darling
and let me wear you

~fall

my favorite season is autumn
i fall in love with the leaves
the life escaping the earth
and ejected into the sky
so we can breathe the life of
old gold summer and watch
the colorful world fall at our feet
to me autumn resembles maturity
falling out of flings
embracing life around you
and sharing it with everyone
to me summer resembled you
stuck in your sunshine
warm uncommitted breeze
and spontaneity
all i wanted was to share
life with you
a life you kept to the wind

but after you flew away

left me to freeze in winter
you opened your eyes
and they turned rich red
full of life
that you choose to share
with her
my least favorite season is winter
i try to fill my void
with empty sex and
empty wine bottles
and empty cigarette cartons
in empty rooms
and at the end of the day
trying to feel something
i am only empty
i watch you love her
while my reflection watches me
trying to convince myself
that i have a beautiful soul
that i am not empty
i finally learn to pick up pieces
of my sorry ass off the ground
and relearn how to
fill my lungs with clean air
the season i live in is spring
i'm regrowing, rebuilding
feeling rejuvenated

and then there you are
bright red and beautiful
but i see around your edges
you're getting worn
you're dissolving slowly
into your winter
but baby, this time
i won't go where you go
i'll let you break
i'll let you fall
i'll let you be covered and consumed
by your sadness buried in the ground
and after you pink up your pieces
that's when you can see me and
talk about that old summer glow