what do you think?..

ok so i haven't updated in a while... its been a really long time since i have been this busy.... but deep down i love it :) so! i will update!
so last time i wrote i was about to start my cna class. well now i am half way through and i realy really like it a lot!! it is most definitely a really really hard job.. i just got back from work today and its just really really hard..but i really really enjoy it :) its rewarding and makes me appreciate my life so much!!! .....and my paycheck is awesome..... :) and the more and more that i do this job and finish up my class the more i am inspired to be a nurse! i think i would be a great nurse and i would love my job :) so i think my plans are gonna change as far as where i'm going to school and such.....which excites me!!
but man all the busyness all of the sudden has gotten me soooo tired!!! and i find myself a lot more grumpier at home which i feel bad for..but once i'm finished with the class and once i have a more set schedule for work i'll be able to relax more :) and i'm excited for that too!!
so now i am faced with a slight dilemma.. nurse or massage therapist? i would definitely do some good as a nurse but i still love the thought of being a massage therapist.. i like the work environment that being a massage therapist would bring.. but i would do more good as a nurse.. what do you think?..
and..off the subject..i am faced with another dilemma.....halloween is coming up......should i be the queen of hearts or betty boop?...... cuz i recently dyed my hair its natural color which is a dark brown..lot darker than i thought..its almost as dark as my moms hair..i had no idea cuz i have been a redhead for so long!! anyways. now that i have this dark hair i should take advantage of it for halloween!! i have been characters or just someone with red hair and i couldnt be anyone interesting with dark brown hair cuz i didnt have it!! so i narrowed it down to the queen of hearts of betty boop..well more like my friend tanya narrowed it down to those two but still.. so.. what do you think?..

getting closer!...

so! my bestie is a cna and her daddy is one of the big bosses of the company. i have been telling tanya about my troubles with saving up money and she suggested becoming a cna and i really fell in love with the idea! but there were a couple problems..the main one was the class costs 400+ and that is how much i have saved up for college......kind of a problem. and i was having a hard time finding a class to take that would be two weeks long so i dont spend a month or so in school i want to just get the certificate and start this job ya know!?..but i was getting pretty discouraged..
but then!! tanya texted me last wednesday and told me that if i got hired at the same place she works at, sugarhouse care and rehab, then her big boss daddy would pay for my classes...... what an opportunity!!!! :D so the next day i spent almost the whole day coming up with an impressive resume that makes me sound wanted despite my lack of experience and lack of certificate..and then yesterday i went down to talk to them hoping for a job.. they had me fill out an application and then i gave them the application and my resume told them that i dont have experience, a certification, but i have a big heart and connections..... and it was enough!!! i got hired!! my first day is on tuesday! now i need to take the cna class! i looked up a class that is two weeks long last week of september and first week of october! and i'm not paying for it!! :D
but now.....i have a new issue..... sugarhouse care and rehab is quite a distance from my house..3300 south and 950 east.. and this class i'm going to take is in west jordan 5 to 10 every night same time my dad has play rehearsal in centerville...... so i am in need of a car.. i am getting so much closer to taking control of my life and getting on my feet and its looking like this is the next step.. but not only is it a problem that i dont have the money to get a car but also i need a co-signer and my parents are in no position, my grandparents are in no position..so....not sure how this is gonna work out.... i know something will work out i'll find an aunt with good credit and if anybody knows a good deal on a good car thats running well thats only a couple thousand or less then please let me know!

poetic venting

been a little stressed about different things for the past little while..i do a lot of venting but i find i have the right words when i write poems.. and i actually really enjoy these poems i thought i did a good job so i would like to share just one of them. they are still pretty private poems..so only one poem :)

909

stuck in my words
frozen in my hate
wanna spite wanna choke
but its not gonna stop
it keeps comin keeps burning
this ice thrown at me
by a child? by a person?
by this thing that loves me
loves in this bubble created
to keep the peace keep the
innocence pulled out of my spine
limp and lost i'm choking on
the heat the wet air thats
huffed and puffed in my face
i'm suffocating in my box
grab that knife and make
the sides bleed crying for me
to come back but the oxygen
beckons and is waiting
i can't wait can't sit can't fake
my way through life with no
breath no feeling nothing inside
this ordinary created to be controlled
won't be controlled! won't be ignored
but the anxiety thickens the humidity
ripping and tearing my strength
i fall and eat myself up
to nothing left for them to hate
i'll get up i'm still tryin i'll
wake up in a new room cool dry air
waiting for me to breathe deep....

stuck in limbo

school for everybody started on wednesday. wednesday morning i woke up at around 8 to an empty house..i feel like i am sluffing school..it is the weirdest feeling not going to college with all my friends..it makes me a little sad.. i really do love school. i love learning! and i wish i could go to ucmt this year..but i am paying for college myself. so heres the other half of my problem. i have been working at noodles and company for a little over a year now and its a great job! i like it there and the people i work with like me and its customer service which i do best at and i feel over qualified for my job..but i'm also feeling under used.. every once in a while they will give me 20-30 hours a week and getting payed almost 8 and hour which is great..but its not what i need. in order for me to be making enough for me to be going to college and move out this upcoming spring or summer i need to be making more than i am.. so what i am probably gonna be doing it getting a different job. as much as i really do like it at noodles i need more! so! i was talking to my bff tanya and she works as an cna and she suggested that i do the same! they start off at 9 an hour, i'd be able to work a good morning shift everyday and there is a went worth retirement home that is within walking distance of my house. probably today before work or tomorrow after work and ask about the job. i think it would be a good job for me! so hopefully things will work out and i'll get the job and save up enough money :) wish me luck!

oh! and..giggle!..yesterday was jon and i's 8 month anniversary. yes we know its really cheesy to celebrate month anniversaries and its just an excuse to go on a date but yesterday he surprised me with a picnic and got me a small photo album and a disposable camera and we started filling our first album! and it was so fun and so cute and the best part? he thought of that all his own :D he's so freaking cute!!! i love that boy :D it was nice to get a moment of sweet romance and get a break from the stress of jobs school and money.. and hopefully this the first album of many and many many more months to come ;D

current inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiqiTrMVLdQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GEXZXxtDtY&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saT3Sw8Bt8U&feature=related






































"things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember"

all's fair in love and war.........who thought of that????

i am now 18 years old! my birthday was august 1. its a little crazy that i am legally an adult..i mean dont feel any different but it is different..and its just weird.
on last saturday i had planned a pool party at my best friend, tanya's house. but early that day i got a text from tanya saying that her grandpa is dying and the party cant be at her house anymore.. i was freaking out. i didnt know where the party was going to be anymore i didnt know who would be able to make it there anymore and it was just frustrating.. tanya had a back up plan and bought a camp site. we told everyone that said they would make an appearance and the people that really cared about me showed up. which i was totally ok with! :) and we ate and had cake and had music playing and it turned out to be so much fun dispite the drama :D and afterwards we went to kat's house and played apples to apples, a couple more people showed up and that was way fun! it just turned out to be an awesome night and even though we didnt swim, it was just what i wanted it to be, just hanging out with my good friends.
and this week as been an interesting one..some major ups and downs..had some confrontation with my boyfriend but solved it right away (i cant stay mad at him damn it..) and now i am helping one of my very very good friends through a trial of his and..love is stupid and reckless and confusing and conflicting and painful and dramatic and immature and hellish and wonderful and sweet all at the same time....and i've decided that you are never too young to fall in love. i think about my crazy parents that got married at 19 and 22 barely off his mission knew each other 2 weeks before getting engaged..and i think about my crazier grandparents that got married at 17 and 18..and then i look at some of my friends that have been dating a while or my friend that is having some girl issues or even me and jon and..love is for any age..but its what you decide to do with it that what makes the difference. no matter what you decide there will be hardship and pain but if you decide to hold onto them you get the hardship and pain and major responsibility and the happiness and affection and support and devotion and then thats when you make the decision to focus on the positive and that is when it is worth it. that is what anybody of any age should experience. if they can make it through the trials then love is worth it. i am not saying that i am going to be getting married at a crazy young age cuz i'm not. but i am saying that if i was in love and if he asked me to marry him when we thought it was right when we could handle the responsibility, i would say yes, no matter what age. on that note, i'm not planning on getting married til at the very earliest, 21. that is when i will be done with college and getting on my feet. when i can TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY. yeah....i dont want my mom reading this expecting a talk with a ring on my finger anytime soon......no mom. no. barely 18..crazy talk.. but yeah point being, love sucks and is messed up but youre never too young for it. yay. :P

good week!!

i finally have a driver's license!!!!!! i took the road test at 1130ish today and i aced it!..except for the stupid parallel parking which i nailed on the head last time but screwed it up this time..but that was my only mistake!!!! i didnt ignore the flashing red lights!!!!! :D
on other news, my jonny has been on vacation the past week and i miss him terribly....he has been at comic con for the majority of his trip and i am a nerd so i am jealous..and yesterday he was at six flags and i have never been so i am jealous..and now he is in vegas and he is going sky diving today..i am not that jealous..and he is coming home tomorrow and i am so excited!! very very excited!! :D
also this week! i am turning 18 years old on saturday!!!! i will be an adult!! sort of bittersweet.. but hey! theres some sweet in there! and i'm gonna have a party with some of my close friends at my best freinds house with the big pool and i am very very excited! its gonna be awesome!! :D
yay for monumental birthdays, driver's licenses, and boyfriends coming home!!!! :D :D :D

taking a deep breath..

recap of the last week: harry potter (horrible sirius black costume, but great movie :) ), working lots but still want a bigger paycheck.., and rotten person hurting one of my very best friends (i wanna kick some....). yup! very exciting week......

heres my quote for today..

"thats what we do, we fight. you tell me when i'm being an arrogant son of a bitch, and i tell you when youre being a pain in the ass, which is 99% of the time. i'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. you have like a 2 second rebound rate and then youre back doing the next pain in the ass thing. i'm saying its not gonna be easy...its gonna be really hard. we're gonna have to work at it everyday. but i wanna do that cause i want you. i want all of you, you and me together...everyday for the rest of my life." ~the notebook (wonderful movie)

dont ignore red flashing lights.........

so.. this morning went back to the dmv. took the written test and....only missed 4 questions! went from failing twice, the second time failing by one question, to passing with flying colors. yay for studying! but then i went to get the road test. well first off it was a pain to even get the road test today! i went over to the window where you sign up for the road test and they couldnt schedule me til the 28!! i would rather not get my license just barely before my 18th birthday..so i went back to my mom and we sat for a second. then we remembered the sweet lady that we went to last week and she said that if i passed the test that i could go back to her and get the road test done that day. so we found her and i went to her and asked if she could take me now. she said that last week was different because it was a holiday weekend..but she'd see what she could do. it pays off being cute and sweet and likeable :) so she went over to the window and she found that someone had signed up twice for today. so! she was able to take me right then! so i took the car and went in the course in the back. well......good news! she said that i had very good control of the car, good at parallel parking and u-turns and such things like that!........bad news.. i didnt signal as much as i should have. i was going a little too fast in the school zone. and i sorta kinda ignored the railroad crossing..which was an automatic fail..so.. i dont have a drivers license. but! now i now what to expect! and next time, on the 28th, i wont ignore red flashing lights and wont get run over by a train and fail the road test! :/

on the road again

two years ago, end of my sophomore year i went to summer drivers ed. i got an a- in the class. i only missed a couple points on the range. and then that september i passed the road test first try. then i had my permit, got all my hours done.. and then a year later my permit expired.. and now, another year later, here i am, graduated from high school, with no permit and no drivers license.. it just simply hasnt been important to me to get it taken care of. but now that i am getting closer and closer to adulthood, i think its about time i get my drivers license. so! i went to the dmv this morning. its best to go early early in the morning when they first open. we didnt have a long wait, and when we were called up, i explained my situation and all they said i had to do was take the written test over again, and the road test over again, and i could instantly get my license! so i got excited and thought that i could get my license today. well i went to take the test and well..i'm a little rustier than i thought i was..it throws a lot of curveball questions that caught me off guard.. so i failed the test. but you get three tries! so i tried again!..and i failed a second time..by..ONE..question.. soooo frustrating!! and they can only let you test twice in one day, which i was ok with cuz i obviously needed to study and i only had one more try..so i took a drivers ed book home with me, gonna drive a little bit for practice, and i'll be going back to the dmv on monday. i'll be taking the test again, passing it this time, take the road test, and pass that as well, and, Finally!, get my drivers license! and after i get my drivers license??.. i'll buy a bus pass.

to play? or to work? or stress myself out and do both?

so heres the present dilemma.. right now i'm in seussical at the sandy amphitheater. but i have to work more this summer so that i can be able to move into an apartment with my friend tanya in september. now heres the problem, i depended on being able to get shifts during the day..but noodles & company only has hours open at night.. and work is much more important to me than doing seussical.. and i deceded to do the show so that i can be with my family i had to be talked into coming to the call backs..i think i could do some backstage work..i just need to set my priorities.. my parents suggested looking at getting another job in addition to noodles, but i wont do that..cuz i'd only be there for a couple of months and its been hard to find a job lately anyways..and i like my job now and i'd rather work more with what i've got.. and i need to work! i need to be able to move out in september! and save up money for college and i need to get on my feet and that doesnt involve theater sucking up all my time.. i do feel bad i hate backing out of something last minute..i shouldnt have depended on getting all these shifts..i should have been smarter about my decision and thought ahead.. i feel really bad.. i do.. but i gotta do what i gotta do.. sigh.. these adult decisions and taking responsibilities for my actions and my choices and such sucks..

viva vacation

its been a while since i've blogged..cuz nothing new and exciting was happening.. but! i just got back home from vacation in vegas! woo something new to blog about!
so we left early early in the morning on wednesday (when i say early i mean we woke up at 4 am..) and we started the drive! we first went to bryce canyon. i had never gone so it was fun and new! i absolutely loved it!! at one time in my life i wanted to be a geologist so the rocks and everything about them; color, texture, form, ect..just fasinated me! and i was feeling adventurous that day so i did lots of climbing in steep places and going to the edge and looking down and other such things that gave my mom a heart attack. it was soo much fun!! ;D then we slept in the car, woke up in cedar city and had a picnic in the suu campus.
we got to las vegas from between 5-6 (there was a time change somewhere in there so i'm not completely sure..) and vegas was nice and hot! we got there, went out to eat, looked around circus circus, got our rooms (mom dad and jessi were in one room, me russell and kira were in another, we were about five rooms apart) and went to sleep. it was soo nice! cuz i got to sleep on my own bed..it was awesome!
side note: i hate vegas. i mean there is all sorts of fun stuff to do there! as i will mention in the next paragraph.. but there are only so many places you can go and not feel uncomfortable be all the unnecissary smut that covers the city..for a girl with morals and an actual sense of character and genuine beauty..i hate the porn and people who love the porn..i mean seriously?? its just disgusting! girls, get a REAL job. boys (yes they are boys, not men), get a life, grow some balls, get some morals, and maybe get the real thing if you deserve it after you get a life, balls, and morals. and you know, the majority of the people in vegas are so mean! ya know i love going on vacation, but i wont miss the smut and rude people..
so anyways! the next day we went around the strip and did all sorts of stuff in the morning, early afternoon. we looked around the venitian, which looks like italy! and i would like to go there someday..so i loved loved LOVED the venitian and the canal they had through the hotel, with the gondola, the sistine chapel replica, and we shared a tiramasu. loved it!!
its tradition everytime we pass through or stop in vegas we go to the coke and m&m museum. and when we go to the coke museum we always take a family picture with the coke bear. this year, they got rid of the statue thing..and its alive..guy in a suit.. ya know it was cool. and its kinda sad cuz it'll probably be the last time i go to vegas with my family as one of the kids living at home so..yeah..
and then we spent the rest of the day in the adventure dome! part of circus circus.. it was fun! i love a good rollercoaster :)
yesterday we drove straight home..slept a lot in the car..and when we got back we went out to eat and saw up in 3d. if any of you havent had a chance to see that, see it now! i absolutely love that movie..its so sweet..
and now i'm chilling out at home! tonight i'm gonna go out with my wonderful boyfriend! we do the silly month anniversary thing..and we're kinda cheating..cuz we went out for 5 months, were broken up for a month, and now we've been together for another month, we decided not to ignore the first 5 months, so its out 6 month today..really its just an excuse to go on a nice date :)
so..starting next week, since vacation is over, and after the date tonight, its time to focus on everything else i need to do this summer. time to focus on seussical, on getting a drivers lisence, and working more to get money for college and an apartment in september. woo..

back to where we were :) happy again

alrighty so! once upon a time i wasnt happy because my boyfriend wasnt treating me the way i should be treated. so then we broke up. but once upon a time i loved this boy and even though i was strong put myself above all other i wasnt happy without him. i was single for about a month, almost a month. and i was trying so hard to be a fun flirty single! trying so very hard! but i just couldnt get a date..i almost had one with a guy, i got one with my ex.., and i did have one set up with a guy but he ditched me and went on a date with another girl..so i started getting discouraged and my ego was hurt. and it didnt help that jon, this boy i still love, was flirting with a different girl and that was younger than me and it was just weird for me..and we still talked to each other all the time and everytime we would start to play around and have some fun with each other we'd miss each other and be sad and discouraged..we both tried so hard to forget each other. we both tried so hard to hate each other. but nothing was working and the feelings were still there and still so strong. it was so very hard. and then wednesday of last week we had our drama club closing banquet where we said good bye to seniors and gave out awards and the seniors kinda pass the torch off to the juniors. it always gets emotional after and everyone is hugging each other and crying and i wasnt crying..until i went up to jon. i didnt want to say good bye to him. we were on the phone that night and we basically told each other that we still had feelings for each other and we'd like to try again. so! now i am very happy with my wonderful boyfriend jon! and for those who are protective of me and thinking, wait they broke up because he was treating her the wrong way!, well dont worry :) jon has promised me and my family and friends that were ready to kill him..that he will change and that he will never make the same mistakes. he has kept his promise already! there has already been a huge change in him! and now we have a new appreciation for each other and we have a stronger love for each other. i do love you so much jon! and i am soo very glad we're back together! :D
and on top of everything great, i have two days of school left! i'm graduating from high school on thursday and i am so very excited!! i am so excited to spend the summer with my sweet boy :D

this week..

i had the acrylic nails on for a few weeks and its really hard to type when i have them on, but i just got them off, so now i want to type! so i though i'd blog.
so this past week i have been busy. first i got my hair cut and dyed! my hair is uber short and i'm a redhead! its awesome!! and then i was in a ballroom showcase performance thingy on thursday. it was kinda funny..it was very casual..very casual..and i was in a cool tango but i messed up..but ya know its all good. and there was a pretty good turn out! and i had a very packed weekend..long story short i was supposed to go on a date friday but he ditched me and went on a date with a different girl..but its all good! i'm over it. me and tanya went to the mall and i got a guys number (it was so funny!) and then yesterday we went and saw star trek! and it was awesome!! i loved it!! i'm such a trekie! :) so! thats my wonderful story..
i also recently wrote a few poems! i like the second one better than the first one, but here they are :)

~

fight hard eyes living without the damn boy

i've been stronger
fighting the fire
fight fire
fight fire
fight-
passion that consumed
my hard heart
hard heart
hard heart
hard-
headed and sweet
damn the boy that
took my hand, stared with
eyes that enticed me
eyes enticed
eyes enticed
eyes-
minipulated and
charmed me to love
guilted me to stay
scared me to leave
i've been stronger
living in this lull
living lull
living lull
living-
without him and
without sweet words
without words
without words
without-
him is harder than
it was supposed to be
damn the dirtbag
damn dirtbag
damn dirtbag
damn-
boy that still has my
heart when he never wanted it
acted like he didnt care
made me think its ok
leaving me numb when i leave him
damn the selfish stubborn boy
selfish stubborn
selfish stubborn
boy-
who i still love
i've been stronger--

~

untitled (if you have any suggestions let me know)

hold still.


feel that intensity
feel that tension
feel that flutter
feel the warm pain the
sweet heat bubbling in
your soul

everytime he touches you

shockwave
hot chill rushing your blook
through your head out
your touch

hold still.


maybe he'll notice
maybe he'll stare
maybe he'll feel it
maybe the electricity is
shocking his heart stopping
his soul

everytime you touch him

brainwave
tingling needles race out
to his fingertips just for
your touch

hold your breath.


wait for the
wait for the
wait for the
wait for the moment
eyes locked solid broken by
our hungry soul

every touch

wave
of overwhelming want
satisfaction hanging on
our touch

hold


his skin fits perfectly

~

almost to the end..

last night was closing night for yearbook the musical. the show went very very well! but we were all crying throughout it all..it was my very last show at brighton high school. i have done 7 productions in high school, plus all the extra scenes and short 30-60 minutes shows. in total i have been in 18 shows/scenes/monologues/ect. at brighton high school. and now i am done. no more performing at brighton ever again. its a very strange feeling.. theater is what i did in high school! it was my life! and now..i might be in a community show here and there..but really? i'm done. and its a very strange abnormal feeling.. and it is also very very strange that i will be graduating in about two weeks. i mean i am very excited to be moving on to the next stage of life!, but at the same time..i dont know what to think or feel..its just weird..

things are better :)

i havent posted in a long time..lots have happened since i posted 5 weeks ago!, but i wont say everything..only the important stuff. so we had spring break and it was honestly the best spring break i had had in a really really long time. i spent almost all of time with my most favorite people. and then after spring break until the beginning of this week i went down from my high. it was just a hard time for me i was unhappy. and as much as i tried to ignore it and look at the positives..i was just unhappy. and so i decided to make a change a few days ago and since then things have turned around. so now i'm a fun happy flirty single and plan on being so for a while :)
so yesterday i had prom! and i had the priviledge to go with my good friend aaron bell. it was soooo much fun!! i got my hair done at sherman kendals, then we went bowling for our day activity (i lost the first game..but i didnt lose the second game! ha!!), went to old spaghetti factory, snuck into the dance! (we just went through the back doors and nobody noticed..lol! it was awesome), then we went swimming at tanya's house! it was the funnest most stress free dance i've ever been to! and might i add how great of a date aaron was! he was a complete gentleman and it was so sweet of him to even take me last minute :) so yeah! uber fun night! and i'm so glad things are getting better :)
check my facebook to see pictures!

i have senioritis, spring fever, and boredom.

i'm ready for spring.
i'm ready for graduation.
i'm ready for a vacation.
i'm ready for a worry-free week. day even.
i'm ready for excitement.
i'm ready for change.
i'm ready for summer.
i'm ready for independence.
i'm ready for work.
i'm ready for hot gossip and drama.
i'm ready for this lull of nothing-ness to go away.
i'm ready for something (ANYTHING) new.

i'm just ready..

maida's first shiner

two days ago for our final dress rehearsal for rules of comedy, we had a bunch of alumni come and watch. it was great! the energy was high and it was soo nice to have our first audience (ps, opening night last night was great too! come see it tonight or tomorrow if you can!). but at the beginning of the show..i angered someone..and you know what happened?..he elbowed me in the face..i have a nice big bruise on my eye..its even a little shadowy and you look up close and it looks like a developing black eye..but i was a trooper and kept going! he feels bad now..but yeah..








ok. i didn't "anger" anybody. it just sounds cooler and more BA.. it was all accidental! at the beginning of the play we all enter in different ways and she paired us up with opposite physical appearances so its funny! i'm paired up with the tallest guy in the class (funny cuz i'm one of the shortest people in the class..) and he picks me up so i'm a couple feet off the ground and we dance on stage. once we get on stage, he drops me and i get up in his face and he cowers away. funny! well on our final dress rehearsal when he dropped me his elbow got in the way of my fall..and he is a very long lanky bony person..so nice bony elbow to the eye. the whole "nice bruise little shadowy almost looks like a small black eye" thing that i said above is true. but it really doesnt look that bad and it doesnt even really hurt. but is it bad that part of me wants a little more of a black eye?..just so i can look BA and act BA and walk around with a black eye and have that attitude of "yeah. thats right. i got in a fight with a guy. i've got the bruise but i got up in his face and he cowered away. wanna mess with me??" (its funny cuz i do get in his face and he does cower away....so it wouldnt fully be a lie right??.. ;D )

rules of comedy!

come see rules of comedy!!!
starts tomorrow, march 4, 5, and 6
starts at 730, $5
at brighton high school
limited seating so get tickets fast!
(friday night is pretty much already sold out.. so.. go wednesday or thursday!)
i know its kinda last minute.. but it would be way cool if you could come!

feeling better

so you know how i was all stressed out in first period? well then in second i cried for half of the period.. it finally reached its breaking point and i spilled! i still got my assignment done and such but ya know.. it was just sad cuz so many people went up to me and asked if everythings alright. they thought someone died or something! i mean i was crying for literally half the class period! but i told them i was fine and that i was actually feeling better. and the rest of the day after that was just fine and dandy and completely normal like i had never had that little half and hour of crying part of my day. so just letting people know that i'm doing better and all is well.
oh! another thing, referring to my advice on college blog, i have made my decision and i feel that it is the right decision for many reasons.. i will be staying here and working for a year. i have so many theater learning opportunities here and i have a good job that has good promotion opportunities here and i can stay at home or live with friends here and i can focus on my goal (ucmt) and slowly progress to adulthood and feel more confident about it all rather than jumping the gun and going over my head. i simply just feel better about staying here. so! there ya go. oh! and i wrote a poem about my overload in creative writing today! here it is..

~congestion

i'm sick
stuffed up
mucus
stress
wanna scream and
let it all go
away

eyes puffed and
filled with
blood
worry

nose running and
filled with
snot
anger

ears plugged and
filled with
fluid
white noise

thoat scratched and
filled with
damage
cries

mind congested and
filled with
running
thoughts
thoughts
running
away from me
scared
stuffed
up
stiff

i'm sick
sick of
damaged cries
fluid white noise
snot anger
bloody worry
mucus stress
sick.

in need..

sitting in class..
absolutely nothing to do..
i'd totally get on facebook!...........but the school computers wont let you go on those sights..
and i'd watch some sort of tv online...............but my computer's sound isnt working..
So!!
here i am sitting in class listening to my ipod and letting my thoughts race.. my thoughts are starting to give up.. losing its own race..

yes. thats busy. that sick of being sick. that tired.. in need of a break.
but ya know we're performing rules of comedy next week and i think once i'm on stage performing and this tri is over things will turn up again. and also its the sweethearts dance tomorrow and i'm really excited for that! it will be nice and relaxing and fun and i'll blow some steam through dance. best way to blow steam :} another is performing. another is poetry. i'm currently writing a great one. i'll post it when its finished and polished.
another great way to blow steam? venting.. thanks for reading mine. i already feel better..

WAIT! one more thing!! i suffer from a very severe and deathly case of spring fever.. i cant express the agnst and the need for warm thin jacket weather.


that is all.
thanks for letting me lift a little of this load.

advice on college? :/

ok..so! heres the thing. i need to decide what exactly i'm doing after i graduate, and i'm having a difficult time because no matter which way i go i'm on my own financially which scares me.
so heres my situation. for absolute sure i will be going to ucmt (utah college of massage therapy) in a year or two. thats a 7 month college and is one of the best massage therapy schools in the nation. i am for sure going there. but now i have the dilemma of what to do till then. i did get accepted to suu in cedar city and i have a $1000 scholarship there and i would love to go there for a year to gain some university experience and to have a fun little adventure. but i would be on my own 5ish hours away from home without a car and about $250 in addition to my scholarship. i'm scared of getting into some serious debt for a year of college that wont help me towards my career. so i have the other option of working for a year and saving up my money for ucmt.
now i look at this situation and the smart one would be staying home and working, but i dont want to miss out on a good opportunity. so.. if there is any advice anybody could give me and help me give me some insight so that i can make this decision before its too late..

update!

hey! its been a while since i've blogged. so ok i'm gonna update!
so i went to uta a little while ago. it was soo much fun! we went to a lot of fun workshops, saw some awesome plays, i got new headshots, and got to spend so much fun with jon and all my theater buddies! it was so much fun best uta ever! :D also while we were there, i asked jon to sweethearts, brightons valentines dance! i made him go on a scavenger hunt! it lasted the whole 3 days! it was great! :D and he doesnt want to admit it, but jon loved it ;)
and then this week, i'm performing in the dance concert at brighton. i'm doing some ballroom! jitterbug! its way fun :D and then next week and week after that we're doing after school rehearsals for rules of comedy, and then on the first weekend of march, 4, 5, and 6, we'll be performing the show! you all should come see! its about, well, the rules of comedy, and we apply these rules to shakespeare's hamlet! starts at 7, tickets are 5 each, and the audience will be sitting on the stage with the actors so that means fewer seats. only about 100 seats maybe a little more each night, so if you could get back to me and get pre-sold tickets, that would be better and you would get a guaranteed seat. so please get back to me if youre interested!
so, finishing my update, my life is theater, work, and my wonderful boyfriend jon! yup! love that boy.. yeah! lol! :D

i need a hero!

hello! its the happy weekend! and i had so much fun! friday we didnt have school and i got to sleep in look at some music for theater and i just sat at home and relaxed. it was so nice! and then yesterday, i rehearsed my scene with mike. i love that scene! its so deep and simple at the same time. its really quite poetic! ok i have to explain it now that i have perked your interest ;) so its about these two strangers riding a ferris wheel together. the man, john, is a traveling salesman trying to quit smoking. the woman, dorie, is an eccentric person and rides a ferris wheel once a year to get over her fear of heights. these two people are in their late 20s/early 30s and they're single and even though these people are completely different from each other, they both have this want this need for human contact and a connection with someone. so they get to know each other while they're stuck on this ferris wheel and its really touching and funny and its just a great scene! and i have a great scene partner! our scene's gonna rock in comp!

so yeah! we rehearsed our scene in the early afternoon. then at like 6 jon and bowen picked me and alicia up for theme. we went to noodles & company for dinner, then we went to the dance. we were at the dance for quite a while! i didnt think we'd stay that long..but we were there almost for the whole thing. we stayed til the last song. then we went to walmart and we had a scavenger hunt! it was soo fun!! we ended with a tie..even though me and jon kicked butt..lol! yeah it was sooo much fun!!

and then today is my daddy's birthday! i dont think he'd be entirely happy if i put his age up on blog so..lol! but he and my mom went out friday night and came home saturday afternoon. they seemed to have a lot of fun and dad was really happy for his birthday, so thats all that matters! lol! yeah fun stuff! and now the next big thing is this next weekend we're going to uta! i'll be sure to take pictures and post on facebook and i'll put the best ones on blog. lol! so thanks jon bowen and alicia for a super fun weekend! lots of love!

alicia, bowen, me, and jon

lois lane and clark kent/superman

mary jane watson and peter parker/spiderman

damsels in distress! save me superman/spiderman!

superheroes revealed!

maida and jon, theme '09 <3

:/

i havent blogged in a while.. course not much has happened.. although much will! and that'll be my next big blog. but for right now i wait for the great exciting things to happen. and i'm still working on patience..... its hard. :/
but these past few weeks have been good! i was sick for a while though. in fact its really weird. cuz well ok! so the last weekend of the winter break, i got a migraine and such and it wasnt much fun.. oh! side note! that sunday i went and surprised jon from the airport cuz he was in florida the whole 2 weeks and i went with his sister to pick him up and it was so fun to surprise him :D anywho..during that i was ill. and i missed school cuz of the migraine and such. and then i had this weird freak thing happen..my ear was plugged up for 2-3 days and it just unplugged itself over night and it was weird. and then i was really weak and such and then i woke up one day and my eyes were puffy! like really puffy it was weird! and my throat was a little swollen too.. so i went to the doctor. the doctor didnt even know what was up with my puffy eyes! weird..but he said that i probably had either strep throat or mono.. the whole mono thing would not have been cool.. and he took a strep test and it was negative but he gave me drugs for strep anyway and i started taking them and i didnt even use all of them before i got better..... so yeah that was just weird!
and then for this past week i've just been hanging out.. nothing extreme or exciting. well i've been working for my teacher ati so that i could go to uta cuz it cost 180 and i dont have 180..so we, me and jon cuz he's poor too, were working to pay that off and today is our last day! we've been working for her for about a month now..so thats exciting :) oh and i'm going to the theme dance this weekend, my dad's birthday is sunday, i get to meet jon's dad that lives in dc this weekend, and next week we're going to uta in ogden/weber state where lots of fun alumni go to school and all sorts of super exciting stuff like that! so fun to come! but right now..nottin. :/

we're stupid

its amazing what a little thing like waking up early can do for your mind. for the christmas break i have been sleeping in till 11 or noon every day cuz i prefer to sleep half the day away i guess..makes the break go by faster..but today i decided i'd wake up early so when i get up for 9 o clock church tomorrow and when i go back to school on monday i'm not dying. and even though i only got a few hours of sleep last night, being alone in the quiet living room with the sun coming up letting light slowly come in through the windows, i find myself more alert and my strange and obscure mind is actually functioning and i'm..thinking..weird....i also actually took my vitamins and pills today maybe that has something to do with it too..i dunno.
so anywho, with my mind being more alert, i let my crazy random mind go and i randomly came upon the thought of how dramatic high school is, particularly on the subject of dating. i think i came upon this subject because one, i was looking up a play that i took a monologue out of and my character in the play is a high school student who just wants to be loved, but she's quirky and obsessive compulsive and has strange dreams of being on the stage..so therefore she's single and likes to rant about it. and i also think i came upon this subject because i just learned of some dear friends, a couple of couples, who have split up. and also the semi recent news of me and bryson breaking up and i'm now with jon and the strange differences between the two boys.. and here is my thought on dating in high school: we're stupid. i'm not saying its bad cuz, well, i do it! but i mean we get so caught up in our own little world and we think we're so happy and that nothing will shake us, nothing will stop us, we'll love each other forever and get married and all sorts of unrealistic dreams. i mean how many people out there actually marry their high school sweetheart?? i'll admit, i got caught up in this fantasy too. but you know what?..when he left for college and i was left alone, i felt like i was tied down and i really did feel alone. then that relationship ended and everybody freaked out cuz them and their little high school minds thought we were gonna get married! but when i got out of that relationship, i realized how stupid and how young and naive i was..the both of us are SOO young! and we were stupid. and now i'm with this super sweet guy jon and we actually talked about what will happen when we graduate, and i'm very happy to say, we both agreed to go our seperate ways. we have thought realistically and keeping minds open. he'll be going to the u and i'll be going to suu. and we both were in serious high school relationships and we were stupid and in the end we realized we were stupid! and we're not gonna hope and dream and wish we'll wait for each other and try to have a long distance relationship during our first year at college. i mean thats just stupid! tied down and miserable. but after we both agreed on that, it just makes me love him more.. but i wont let myself get caught up in that serious high school relationship thing again! and i hope that my friends who recently split look back on their relationship and not think bad on the person and the great connection they had, but look back at their serious high school relationship and think..we were stupid..and learn from the experience. and maybe one saturday morning they'll wake up early and with their open and alert mind they'll come upon the same conclusion as i have this morning.