thankful

Thanksgiving is my most favorite holiday. It humbles me and makes me see the positives in my life, its great time with the people I love the most, not to mention amazing food. And now I am going to blog about some things I am grateful for, tis the season :)

1. First and formost, I am thankful for my best friend, my therapist, my better half, my husband, Jon. We have almost been married a year now. Which feels a little bizarre..but at the same time, it feels like we've been together forever and this is just right. People always say the first year of marriage is the hardest. This year hasn't been the easiest, but I have loved this past year. I have never been this happy. And all of it is thanks to my wonderful husband. I can't imagine my life without him, he is my everything. I love him so wholely and so dearly :)

2. I am thankful for my mom. As I get older I have gotten closer to my mom. I look up to her so much. And I couldn't be more proud of her for being a great example and going back to school to achieve her dreams and become a successful woman. I wanna be like my mom when I grow old.

3. I am thankful for my little apartment. I love living in a great area, close to family and friends. I love it. :)

4. I am thankful for my puppy. Cap is my first pet ever, and I couldn't have asked for anyone better. He is so sweet and has so much personality. He has taken part in helping me get through the hard times. Cute little guy.

5. I am thankful for my friends and family. There were some events that happened this year that shaped myself and my life. It really showed me who matters and who truely cares about me. I have some amazing people in my life and I don't know what I'd do without their love and support.

6. I am thankful for my family, being my parents, my brother and my sisters. They truely have stood by me through every trial and they are still standing and are still loving me. I am very lucky to have such crazy, fantastic, most wonderful people in my life.

7. I am thankful for my in laws. They are quite different from my family, but that is one of the many reasons I love them. They give me more perspective on the world that I never would have thought of otherwise. Not to mention they are sweet and wonderful people who have accepted me in their family with open arms.

8. I am thankful for my husband's job, for keeping our little roof over our heads.

9. I am thankful for art (theater, photography, music, literature, ect.) for channeling any negative energy out in a good healthy way.

10. I am thankful for comedy, for making light of dark situations and making me laugh at myself.

11. I am thankful for my talents, for making me think more highly of myself.

12. I am thankful for my good health. I normally am pretty sickly, but I have been feeling good this year. I think part of it has to do with the many great things that have happened to me this year.

13. I am thankful for Dexter. It's a good show.

14. I am thankful for mint ice cream, chai tea, dark chocolate, peanut butter, red wine, fruit, and french fries.

15. I am thankful for all the little moments that keep me going. I live for the small happiness in being with the people I love and doing the things we love. I would even go as far to say I'm thankful for the bad moments. The wonderful small moments wouldn't be so wonderful without the bad moments. I am thankful for the balance.

Happy Thanksgiving! Love you all :)

read my fashion blog everyone! support my new hobby!

http://maidasugarnspice.blogspot.com/

long time coming

Well.. this is slightly pathetic.

I haven't written in WAY too long. And so much has happened.. Instead of updating, I'll just skip all that and write about now..

Married life is wonderful. I couldn't be with someone more perfect for me. He is amazing :) We have our own little apartment on fort union blvd and 900 east. Been there for a year now! We live there with our adorable little puppy. He is a cock-a-mo (cocker spaniel, american eskimo mix), almost 2 now, and his name is Captain America. Yup. (NERD!) Cap is my first puppy, really my first pet ever, and I adore the little guy. He's at least helping the baby hunger. I am looking forward to motherhood in the next few (3-5) years, but as of right now, I am loving the newly married life. We get to have all these adventures and get into all sorts of trouble all with our best friend. Its wonderful :)

I have taken a big turn in my career. I don't have one.. haha. But I feel I'm getting on the right path. I quit Myler Disability (no more calling social security 20+ times a day! Yay!), and I had been jumping around this past month. I mainly looked into marketing, and I am NOT a salesman. I'm too nice. But while researching these other companies, I realized how much a truely love the business atmosphere. I went through a little bit of management training and that confirmed it. I want to someday start my own business. I'm looking into business schools and hopefully I'll find some match. I'm still on a current job search though. And it seems everyone wants a piece of a cozy office desk. So keep fingers crossed, or keep my name in your prayers, hopefully something will work out for me soon.

Also in the mean time, especially in finding out exactly what kind of business I'd want to start, I rediscovered my passion for the arts. It feels like it has been ages since I have truely done something artistic. Last week, I helped my mom redecorate her living room. And spontaniously, with mommy's blessing, I painted her wall. I painted a family tree and left spaces for our family pictures. I was so pleased with the outcome that I have been doodling since. And something I have been doodling quite a bit of..fashion. I have been sketching out outfits. With another help from mom, she convinced me to start a fashion blog. I actually just posted today. We'll see if people even read it. But upon thinking about it, how fun would it be if it really took off and someday I start my own fashion line!? I had never thought about going into that field, but I truely believe I would do well in it. So we'll see where it goes, but so far so good :) keeping optimistic. This big "ah" moment where things click and most everything is all figured out is a long time coming.

Other than that.. I need a vacation. Jon and I have yet to go on our honeymoon and our first year anniversary is approaching in the next couple months.. Its sorely overdue..

catching up.. kind of

yeah i'm bad at keeping up on my blog.. sorry about that ;P

so since i wrote last...
i performed in my first slam (i read my judas poem. it was pretty awesome)
i became a distributor for herbalife (i dropped 3 pant sizes and lost 8 pounds of fat and 11 inches off my bod and i have lots of energy and feel great and healthy and all that great jazz! if youre interested let me know)
i have been modeling for my friend darling dana (if you wanna see any of the pics their on my facebook or you can check out my deviantart, http://zoeyjigsaw.deviantart.com/ )
i still havent registered for school YET (which i have changed my mind again about what to do. right now thinking of medical assisting)
i am still looking for a full time job (i do like my office aide job but they dont give me more hours they cut them instead. not cool)
i have reunited with an old friend and we're now best friends (it is possible to be really good friends with your ex. just fyi)
my girlie bestie sexi mexi (tanya) took me to an early bday get away and i saw the little mermaid at the tuacahn (oh...... my...... gosh..... AMAZING! i highly encourage you to see it!!)
my boyfriend has turned 24 (i threw him a party. it was fun)
and i'm preparing for my birthday is coming up this next week, cuz i have so much to be preparing for.. (i'm turning 20 and not planning my own party this time)

so in other words not much has changed.. haha
now youre all caught up!.. i guess ;P

i'm still in love with judas baby..

listening to lady gaga's new single, judas, inspired this poem. thank you lady gaga ;P

'i'm just a holy fool, oh baby its so cruel
i'm still in love with judas, baby"
well, judas still loves you too!


~brother

dear lord
i'm sorry my brother
i dont know what happened
i feel like i've awaken from a curse
i am such a traitor
things came to light from my blinding dark night
after i kissed you
and told you brother
master i loved you
my kiss was death and i knew it
i know i was chosen to be royalty
but you king of kings
overshadow me
i was engulfed in deadly sins
like they were phases of grief
my grief was greed
the power you gave me was
intoxicating
and i couldnt get enough
lustful glutanous slothfulness
it gave me a high
but brother your goodness
provided faith to a people
who didnt know the meaning of it
your golden halo
sobered my high and my pride rised
i slowly became more defiant
to father's binding
his religion
a masking piece
a buckler to the blows
of the worlds ardors
the earth its posessions
the things i fell in love with
my pride turned my zeal into renegade
and just like that i became
the devils advocate
wrath burned in my throat
after you called me black sheep
i was just so envious of you brother
and that's just it
i wanted to be you brother
isnt that what you teach
to be christ like
but you set such an example
son of god
how do any of us mortals compare
as god's son father graced you
with a mafic finger
setting sweet spells
on the blind the deaf the dead
the magic finger of your father
and the angelic face of your virgin mother
i was not graced with your spirit brother
how can i be christ like
without your christ like powers
the deadly temptations offered refuge
they conviced me
if you yourself can't have the revelation
remove the teacher
gain some profit
brother the deadly sin
looked so friendly
they even asked me to seal my sin with a kiss
your cheek was so warm
the corners of your lips
were turned into a knowing smile
an accepting smile
my lips were scorched underneath
your godly skin
my filthy soul burned
as it was ripped off my lips
like you stripped me my mask of transgression
no one could know the guilt
all that was left of my being
except for maybe you brother
you bled for my guilt
from the pores i touched with my lips
because of me right now you are
bleeding again
bleeding because of me
bleeding for me
as you hang on your cross
i will hang my head
around this noose i made with my pain
i will step off this edge
and hang for you
i'm sorry brother
i love you brother
in your name
amen

12

because i can. and because i know you want to know.

1. i'm about three months away from being 20 years young. most of the time i feel like i'm 30 years young. most every morning i wake up feeling 10 years old.
2. my favorite colors are green and purple. three fourths of my wardrobe is green and purple. the other fourth is blue. i think blue is alright. it looks good on me. i dont like pink. but one of my favorite blouses is covered in pink roses. hmm.
3. i have a purple puzzle piece tattoo below my collar bone over my heart. the puzzle piece is the autism speaks symbol. my younger sister jessi has autism and her favorite color is purple. i wouldn't be who i am today without my darling sister. she does have a piece of my heart. i had been thinking about getting that particular tattoo for a long time before i got it last year. my next tattoo will be a large piece on my right shoulder of a sparrow holding a lily. i also have some extra piercings. single piercings in each ear, a nose piercing, and a new belly button piercing. i didnt put a whole lot of thought process into my piercings as opposed to my tattoos.
4. i am a very spiritual person. spiritual like a hippie. i am very interested in auras and zodiacs and things of that nature. and i believe mine to be true.
---my aura is purple. it relates to crown, pineal gland and nervous system. the most sensitive and wisest of colors. this is the intuitive color in the aura, and reveals psychic power attune with self. intuitive, visionary, futuristic, idealistic, artistic, magical.
---my animal spirit is the sparrow. sparrow aids in opening the eyes to self-worth and instills dignity and empowerment. teaches the importance of voice and communication. survival instincts, sharpening intuition to make proper choices. teaches assertion, survival in spite of any circumstances with a balance of joy and empowerment.
---my zodiac is sun sign leo/virgo rising. the leo/virgo pairing brings about a person who enjoys being in charge and also enjoys helping. they are proud and 'know-it-alls'. impulsive, critical, and enjoys their freedom
5. the number three is my lucky number. any multiples of three have followed me around everywhere i go. the numbers 3,6, and/or 9 have been in every one of my cell or home phone numbers. everything in my life that has happened the third time has been significant in some way (ex., third grade, third date, ect.) third time IS the charm.
6. i am obsessed with italy. i have a whole trip planned. if there is a man that wants to marry me but wont take me to italy for at least part of the honeymoon, i will not marry him. i am going to italy someday before i die. if i did have a dying wish with only one month to live, i would want that last week spent in italy with my immediate family, my best friends, and significant other, on a calm gondola ride down the grand canal. that would be a peaceful last moment.
7. there are a number things that i have not done yet in my life. like....
---i have not been on an airplane
---i have not voted
---i have not worn perscription contacts though i have been wearing glasses for the past 4 years
---i have not been out of the country
---i have not been further east of wyoming
---i have not been in the ocean. i have been on the beach and on a boat that was on the ocean, but i have never actually been swimming in the ocean
---i have never gone tanning
---i have never dyed my hair black
---i have never taken a foreign language class
---i have never straightened or curled my own hair
---i have never bought a piece of clothing or pair of shoes that was over 40 dollars
---i have never cooked a meal by myself or without a recipe
8. i have been dying my hair since i was 13. there has only been one time i dyed my hair blonde, only two times i dyed my hair brown. every other time my hair has been dyed it has been red. i was named after a red head, my great grandma maida, and she was a head strong independent woman who raised four boys and didnt take shit from anyone. i like to think i take after my great grandma but god messed up somewhere and didnt make me a natural redhead. so i pretend.
9. my first celeb crush was gene kelly. tall dark and handsome that can dance, sing, and act. who can not love a man like that?? current celeb crush? hugh jackman. i sense a pattern..
10. when i was growing up i had a stutter. i took speech therapy from the time i was in kindergarten until about the fourth grade. i had a very difficult time speaking and to this day i still have a hard time reading out loud. one reason i loved the movie the king's speech so much.. so why dont i have a bad stutter anymore? when i was 11 i took my first acting class. i was chosen to do a monologue from macbeth, the part of lady macbeth, act 5 scene 1, and that was the first time i was truly challenged to step outside my comfort zone and really speak. every since i started acting i have had much better speech. i still have problems every once in a while. i sometimes can't find the right words to say, or i say things backwards, and i do have a hard time reading out loud, but things could be so much worse. and things have gotten so much better.
11. i love stupid comedy movies. i love mind f*ck movies. i love tear jerk movies. i love eye candy movies. i hate scary movies. but i love zombie movies..
12. i'm very artistic. i wish i lived in some alternate universe where i could be extremely well off making a living off of my poetry, my modeling, my singing, and my acting. if only.

now that i've wasted my monday night, i hope you enjoyed wasting the last ten minutes of your time reading my 12 random facts about myself. thank you very much <3

what i've learned

i have just moved back home. my part time job wasn't enough to pay for all my bills, and i need to build up my savings account again, so i can go to school in the fall. so no big deal its just a temporary thing. but i was thinking back to this past year and i realized how much i have gone threw this year. so i though i would share the 5 top things that i have learned from the year i spent out of my parents house..
1. DON'T MOVE OUT WITH A NEW BOYFRIEND. that is definitely the number one thing i have learned. we had only known each other a couple of weeks before we decided to get an apartment. i didnt know him. i thought he was someone completely different from the guy that i grew to know over the time we spent together those first six months of living in that apartment. and even then i didnt really know him.. but that was the problem with the particular person i was with and that is beside the point. if you want to move in with your significant other, the advice i would give you, coming from someone who was in that position, wait until you are at lease engaged. moving in together is such a huge commitment and it really is that step before the big lifetime commitment.. maybe i'm just preaching to the choir and i'm just thick headed and needed to see it for myself, but i'm not sure who reads this blog and this is a post of what i learned so there ya go!
2. save up! save up! save up! if i didnt have a good amount in my savings account i would have to have moved out a lot sooner after. i was basically living on that safety net after i lost my job and if i didnt save i really would have been screwed. you never know when you are going to need that safety net!!!!
3. make your place your own. the short period of time after i had kicked my ex out i hated living in my empty apartment. all it was was a reminder of my pain and all the mistakes i made and i had never felt so alone. then i had made a decision to change the look of my apartment. i painted my bedroom green, i got a purple curtain and i switched things around in the living room and the place really became my place and i made it a home and it was then i realized how important it was to have a place you can call home, a place you can escape and have alone time and feel comfortable and at peace.
4. living in the same apartment as a place you originally got with an ex is bad karma. i lost my job, had some bad luck with dating, and got medical problems the last six months i was living at the apartment. its just bad juju.
5. living alone is lonely. supporting yourself is difficult. finding roommates you know you could live with are rare. being an adult is hard. but this past year has given me an opportunity know what to expect and how to budget and how to prepare for the end of the summer when i try living out of the house a second time. wish me luck. hopefully i did learn something....

i'll miss my crappy little apartment