catching up.. kind of

yeah i'm bad at keeping up on my blog.. sorry about that ;P

so since i wrote last...
i performed in my first slam (i read my judas poem. it was pretty awesome)
i became a distributor for herbalife (i dropped 3 pant sizes and lost 8 pounds of fat and 11 inches off my bod and i have lots of energy and feel great and healthy and all that great jazz! if youre interested let me know)
i have been modeling for my friend darling dana (if you wanna see any of the pics their on my facebook or you can check out my deviantart, http://zoeyjigsaw.deviantart.com/ )
i still havent registered for school YET (which i have changed my mind again about what to do. right now thinking of medical assisting)
i am still looking for a full time job (i do like my office aide job but they dont give me more hours they cut them instead. not cool)
i have reunited with an old friend and we're now best friends (it is possible to be really good friends with your ex. just fyi)
my girlie bestie sexi mexi (tanya) took me to an early bday get away and i saw the little mermaid at the tuacahn (oh...... my...... gosh..... AMAZING! i highly encourage you to see it!!)
my boyfriend has turned 24 (i threw him a party. it was fun)
and i'm preparing for my birthday is coming up this next week, cuz i have so much to be preparing for.. (i'm turning 20 and not planning my own party this time)

so in other words not much has changed.. haha
now youre all caught up!.. i guess ;P

i'm still in love with judas baby..

listening to lady gaga's new single, judas, inspired this poem. thank you lady gaga ;P

'i'm just a holy fool, oh baby its so cruel
i'm still in love with judas, baby"
well, judas still loves you too!


~brother

dear lord
i'm sorry my brother
i dont know what happened
i feel like i've awaken from a curse
i am such a traitor
things came to light from my blinding dark night
after i kissed you
and told you brother
master i loved you
my kiss was death and i knew it
i know i was chosen to be royalty
but you king of kings
overshadow me
i was engulfed in deadly sins
like they were phases of grief
my grief was greed
the power you gave me was
intoxicating
and i couldnt get enough
lustful glutanous slothfulness
it gave me a high
but brother your goodness
provided faith to a people
who didnt know the meaning of it
your golden halo
sobered my high and my pride rised
i slowly became more defiant
to father's binding
his religion
a masking piece
a buckler to the blows
of the worlds ardors
the earth its posessions
the things i fell in love with
my pride turned my zeal into renegade
and just like that i became
the devils advocate
wrath burned in my throat
after you called me black sheep
i was just so envious of you brother
and that's just it
i wanted to be you brother
isnt that what you teach
to be christ like
but you set such an example
son of god
how do any of us mortals compare
as god's son father graced you
with a mafic finger
setting sweet spells
on the blind the deaf the dead
the magic finger of your father
and the angelic face of your virgin mother
i was not graced with your spirit brother
how can i be christ like
without your christ like powers
the deadly temptations offered refuge
they conviced me
if you yourself can't have the revelation
remove the teacher
gain some profit
brother the deadly sin
looked so friendly
they even asked me to seal my sin with a kiss
your cheek was so warm
the corners of your lips
were turned into a knowing smile
an accepting smile
my lips were scorched underneath
your godly skin
my filthy soul burned
as it was ripped off my lips
like you stripped me my mask of transgression
no one could know the guilt
all that was left of my being
except for maybe you brother
you bled for my guilt
from the pores i touched with my lips
because of me right now you are
bleeding again
bleeding because of me
bleeding for me
as you hang on your cross
i will hang my head
around this noose i made with my pain
i will step off this edge
and hang for you
i'm sorry brother
i love you brother
in your name
amen

12

because i can. and because i know you want to know.

1. i'm about three months away from being 20 years young. most of the time i feel like i'm 30 years young. most every morning i wake up feeling 10 years old.
2. my favorite colors are green and purple. three fourths of my wardrobe is green and purple. the other fourth is blue. i think blue is alright. it looks good on me. i dont like pink. but one of my favorite blouses is covered in pink roses. hmm.
3. i have a purple puzzle piece tattoo below my collar bone over my heart. the puzzle piece is the autism speaks symbol. my younger sister jessi has autism and her favorite color is purple. i wouldn't be who i am today without my darling sister. she does have a piece of my heart. i had been thinking about getting that particular tattoo for a long time before i got it last year. my next tattoo will be a large piece on my right shoulder of a sparrow holding a lily. i also have some extra piercings. single piercings in each ear, a nose piercing, and a new belly button piercing. i didnt put a whole lot of thought process into my piercings as opposed to my tattoos.
4. i am a very spiritual person. spiritual like a hippie. i am very interested in auras and zodiacs and things of that nature. and i believe mine to be true.
---my aura is purple. it relates to crown, pineal gland and nervous system. the most sensitive and wisest of colors. this is the intuitive color in the aura, and reveals psychic power attune with self. intuitive, visionary, futuristic, idealistic, artistic, magical.
---my animal spirit is the sparrow. sparrow aids in opening the eyes to self-worth and instills dignity and empowerment. teaches the importance of voice and communication. survival instincts, sharpening intuition to make proper choices. teaches assertion, survival in spite of any circumstances with a balance of joy and empowerment.
---my zodiac is sun sign leo/virgo rising. the leo/virgo pairing brings about a person who enjoys being in charge and also enjoys helping. they are proud and 'know-it-alls'. impulsive, critical, and enjoys their freedom
5. the number three is my lucky number. any multiples of three have followed me around everywhere i go. the numbers 3,6, and/or 9 have been in every one of my cell or home phone numbers. everything in my life that has happened the third time has been significant in some way (ex., third grade, third date, ect.) third time IS the charm.
6. i am obsessed with italy. i have a whole trip planned. if there is a man that wants to marry me but wont take me to italy for at least part of the honeymoon, i will not marry him. i am going to italy someday before i die. if i did have a dying wish with only one month to live, i would want that last week spent in italy with my immediate family, my best friends, and significant other, on a calm gondola ride down the grand canal. that would be a peaceful last moment.
7. there are a number things that i have not done yet in my life. like....
---i have not been on an airplane
---i have not voted
---i have not worn perscription contacts though i have been wearing glasses for the past 4 years
---i have not been out of the country
---i have not been further east of wyoming
---i have not been in the ocean. i have been on the beach and on a boat that was on the ocean, but i have never actually been swimming in the ocean
---i have never gone tanning
---i have never dyed my hair black
---i have never taken a foreign language class
---i have never straightened or curled my own hair
---i have never bought a piece of clothing or pair of shoes that was over 40 dollars
---i have never cooked a meal by myself or without a recipe
8. i have been dying my hair since i was 13. there has only been one time i dyed my hair blonde, only two times i dyed my hair brown. every other time my hair has been dyed it has been red. i was named after a red head, my great grandma maida, and she was a head strong independent woman who raised four boys and didnt take shit from anyone. i like to think i take after my great grandma but god messed up somewhere and didnt make me a natural redhead. so i pretend.
9. my first celeb crush was gene kelly. tall dark and handsome that can dance, sing, and act. who can not love a man like that?? current celeb crush? hugh jackman. i sense a pattern..
10. when i was growing up i had a stutter. i took speech therapy from the time i was in kindergarten until about the fourth grade. i had a very difficult time speaking and to this day i still have a hard time reading out loud. one reason i loved the movie the king's speech so much.. so why dont i have a bad stutter anymore? when i was 11 i took my first acting class. i was chosen to do a monologue from macbeth, the part of lady macbeth, act 5 scene 1, and that was the first time i was truly challenged to step outside my comfort zone and really speak. every since i started acting i have had much better speech. i still have problems every once in a while. i sometimes can't find the right words to say, or i say things backwards, and i do have a hard time reading out loud, but things could be so much worse. and things have gotten so much better.
11. i love stupid comedy movies. i love mind f*ck movies. i love tear jerk movies. i love eye candy movies. i hate scary movies. but i love zombie movies..
12. i'm very artistic. i wish i lived in some alternate universe where i could be extremely well off making a living off of my poetry, my modeling, my singing, and my acting. if only.

now that i've wasted my monday night, i hope you enjoyed wasting the last ten minutes of your time reading my 12 random facts about myself. thank you very much <3

what i've learned

i have just moved back home. my part time job wasn't enough to pay for all my bills, and i need to build up my savings account again, so i can go to school in the fall. so no big deal its just a temporary thing. but i was thinking back to this past year and i realized how much i have gone threw this year. so i though i would share the 5 top things that i have learned from the year i spent out of my parents house..
1. DON'T MOVE OUT WITH A NEW BOYFRIEND. that is definitely the number one thing i have learned. we had only known each other a couple of weeks before we decided to get an apartment. i didnt know him. i thought he was someone completely different from the guy that i grew to know over the time we spent together those first six months of living in that apartment. and even then i didnt really know him.. but that was the problem with the particular person i was with and that is beside the point. if you want to move in with your significant other, the advice i would give you, coming from someone who was in that position, wait until you are at lease engaged. moving in together is such a huge commitment and it really is that step before the big lifetime commitment.. maybe i'm just preaching to the choir and i'm just thick headed and needed to see it for myself, but i'm not sure who reads this blog and this is a post of what i learned so there ya go!
2. save up! save up! save up! if i didnt have a good amount in my savings account i would have to have moved out a lot sooner after. i was basically living on that safety net after i lost my job and if i didnt save i really would have been screwed. you never know when you are going to need that safety net!!!!
3. make your place your own. the short period of time after i had kicked my ex out i hated living in my empty apartment. all it was was a reminder of my pain and all the mistakes i made and i had never felt so alone. then i had made a decision to change the look of my apartment. i painted my bedroom green, i got a purple curtain and i switched things around in the living room and the place really became my place and i made it a home and it was then i realized how important it was to have a place you can call home, a place you can escape and have alone time and feel comfortable and at peace.
4. living in the same apartment as a place you originally got with an ex is bad karma. i lost my job, had some bad luck with dating, and got medical problems the last six months i was living at the apartment. its just bad juju.
5. living alone is lonely. supporting yourself is difficult. finding roommates you know you could live with are rare. being an adult is hard. but this past year has given me an opportunity know what to expect and how to budget and how to prepare for the end of the summer when i try living out of the house a second time. wish me luck. hopefully i did learn something....

i'll miss my crappy little apartment

overshadowed

this year so far.. i have had so many ups and downs already its kind of insane.
let me start at the beginning..

january 3, i got a job at a physical therapist office as an office aide. its not exactly the hours i need, but i think it is the perfect little job for me right now. i truely believe that everthing happens for a reason, and that includes this job. ever since i've been working at the pt office i have fallen in love with physical therapy. so much that i have made the decision to become a physical therapist. i change my mind about my career choice all the time, but this time i feel confident about this choice. this fall i will be going to slcc and doing the pt assistant program.
january 5, i went on a date with an old friend, ian. we met last year, i was dating a different guy in his group of friends, and while being introduced to the group, i remembered ian as the cute sweet smaller guy of the nerd herd who obviously had a little crush on me. a year later we bump into each other at a w.o.w. party (my bestie's dad was hosting this party and we were hanging out at her house, i wasnt actually playing the game lol just thought i'd clarify :P) and i'm sure he felt it to, there was a little spark, something clicked in this reunion. so then he gave me his number, we went on a nice date that lead to another date.. and the rest is history ;) i am so very happy with this guy.. he is very sweet and genuine, treats me so well. i am so very lucky to have ian in my life <3
january 10(?), i discovered sores on the underside of my right arm. i had my mom look at them and we came to the conclusion that they are more than likely boils. so i went to the doctor's office and the first doc i saw thought it was the same thing. so she lanced the big one and had it packed, then had me put on two different antibiotics to rid of the three other smaller ones and also to prevent them from coming back. well, one of the antibiotics that she gave me was a penicillin base. some years ago i got an allergic reaction to amoxicillin, another penicillin base, and after almost a week of taking this antibiotic she gave me i broke out into a rash all over my body. so i went to a different doc who put me on more antibiotics and strong allergy meds to stop the reaction. while i was seeing this doc he continued to tell me other things that the first doc did wrong, including taking a culture of my wound (taking a sample of the pus from the sores) to see if it was something a little more serious, like mrsa.
off tangent- mrsa is a staff infection on crack. basically. its a bacterial infection that can be small and minor, like my sore on my arm, or much more serious and can involve the heart or lungs or other organs. but like any bacterial infection, it can spread and become serious very quickly without attention. as a cna i have cared for people with mrsa, and it can get big ugly and nasty and involves iv treatments and/or lots of serious antibiotics. if untreated, it could lead to long term hospital stay and other bad things.. since i have seen some worst case sinarios, when the doc said that it could be mrsa i thought there would be no way that it was..
february, the sores came back. i was very unhappy.. i went to see the same doc that fixed the allergic reaction. he took a culture of my wound. as it turns out, i have mrsa. fantastic right? so he gave me some more antibiotics to hopefully get rid of the mrsa to prevent me from going into the hospital. he first put me on sulfa, and as it turns out i am also allergic to sulfa! so! i had to take even more meds for the allergic reaction! and now i am still hoping that the infection is under enough control that, 1- it doesnt get bigger, and 2- it doesnt go to other places of my body, like my internal organs, 3- it just goes away.. prayers are always appreciated :)
now, amidst the awesome boyfriend, fun job, and living off of the pharmacy in my purse, i havent been able to pay for my rent. my lease is up after this month, so luckily i got my tax return in time to pay for my last month of rent. and the end of this month i am moving back into my parents house. after much debating and looking at all the other options that i have, i saw this option as the smartest and the most efficient. i will be getting a second job for the summer and i'll be building up my savings account once again. and besides, it has been nice spending more time with the family. and hopefully by the end of the summer i'll be getting a place with my bestie, tanya, and one other chicky. so there is my game plan.. hopefully the medical nonsense will end and i wont have any other problems. hopefully thing will go at least close to plan.
even though there have been these major speed bumps these past couple months..
the highs in my life have completely overshadowed the lows
positive energy, good vibes, and prayers are always welcomed, loved, and appreciated <3

writing, my healing

things have been much much better :) i have a job, i have a boyfriend, i have plans for school. things are just about where i want them to be. i have also written a lot these past couple months. like, about a new poem every week. i have also picked up a short story i dropped about a year ago and i'm almost finished with it. and i truly believe that all this writing has helped me and my attitude. its like i let out negative energy in such a positive outlet.
speaking of writing, the cottonwood heights arts council has a literacy fair complete with a writing competition. i will be submitting a poem, but i cannot decide which one that i want to submit.. so! i am asking for your help! i have narrowed it down to three poems, i will have a poll to the side, please let me know which one you think i should submit! :)

~grim riper

i am blessed
i'm reminded of this everyday
in my work place
everyday i see these
young minds in withered bodies
when i see the result
of wounded hearts
and childhood fears
brought to reality
this disease will consume us all
with or without the diagnosis
dementia is unavoidable
all it does is make us forget
makes us fear the same
nightmares that made us trumble
when we first recognized the emotion
of terror
and that is when they are brought
to the poor souls like me
i was trained to nurse the elderly
back to a comforting state
to treat these adults like the children
they truly are inside
but these poor children don't know
who i am
they don't know
that i am that little smile they see
before they leave this world
for some in this home
i am their only family
i am their next generation
that sits by their side
before their final sleep
some even call me by their daughters' name
the one who never visits
who calls only to pay the bill
who left their mother to die
she is the nightmare
i am the relief
and mom's future is a dream
when she asks me
to sit with her so she won't die alone
i am reminded of my fiears
i feel her terror
and like a child
she grips my hand with
what strength she has
and like a mother
she asks only one thing of me
to spend these few moments with her
that's when i realize my fate
and i realize being that last friendly face
i am close to god
and his mighty touch
not only comforts the mothers i care for
but me as well
the fear is inevitable
but i have comfort
that there are poor souls like me
who will smile at death
and hold onto a lifeless hand
just to keep the childhood
monsters away

~happy tears

that smile is skinning me alive
i am no longer safe
no longer protected in my shell
every smirk cuts me deeper
and those dimples
they pierce me like needles
that laugh hits my ears
like a bullet
every time i hear that voice
it's a new puncture wound
and those words that
milk out of those rose petal lips
they burn like wax
on my naked eardrums
every word is a candle
that dances around my head
making me hot and dizzy
that language is so smooth
and beautiful like the
flame of that smoking being
every breath is more oxygen
to the fire i'm burning in
that touch so warm and soft
makes me shiver and shrink
inching back to comfort and safty
but the feeling that touch brings
is so toxic i need it
like any addiction
you're never really living without it
and those eyes are my addiction
and i need a fix
i need those eyes to burn
right through me 'til
there is nothing left
but my soul and scattered pieces
of my heart
and though those eyes
have barely met my gaze
they know everything about me
they know my secrets and flaws
and those eyes are
ripping out my faults
from my flesh
and then those same eyes
ignore my scars
and fill me with hope
hope that i may someday
someday love again
those hands are open
waiting for me to fill in those spaces
and melt into him
until we are one

~elements

when i was a child
i was afraid of fire
the bright heat of passion
twisted and shaked
then curled his seducing fingers
beckoning me to
braid his red hair
to cut his locks and
thread them into a gold gown
to breathe in the black toxins
of his fuel his oxygen
that would dry out my insides
as a child
i was afraid to step
within fifty feet of this heat
scared that his sparks
would set flame to my soul
that he'd pour gasoline on my skin
pack my mouth my eyes my ears
and all my other open wounds
with old love letters
and then pinch me with his yellow fingernails
and watch me burn
i burned into him
thought it was love
his fingers danced on my belly
circled my breast
then traced a scar on my cheek
that reads 'i loved you'
and then just like that
he stopped kindling the flame in me
and i was left to watch
my skin fall into the ash

it was then i decided
i would be happier with water than fire
and as soon as i stepped
in his cool blue eyes
i could feel the steam released
from my body like a sigh
i was baptized in his serenity
engulfed in his crisp language
and started to swallow
his words as to nourish myself
from the drought in my heart
but it all happened too quickly
his sweet words became rocks
in my stomach
he weighed me down
to a place i could not stand
i couldn't feel secure ground
i would try to keep my head held high
but a new wave of lies
would drown me
again and again and

so i gave up
and i let myself float to the shore
stable ground
haunting stillness in the air
dry and washed up
what a peaceful way to die
the earth surrounds me
they fill in the spaces between my fingers
but they are just temporary
i am alone with my scars and tears
trying to learn how to breathe again

almost on cue
you exhale and breeze that
twirls across my face
and sings in my lungs
making me gasp with surprise
you've always been there
whispering love notes in the wind
but i had no idea it felt this sweet
to be filled with you
to be full of your sencerity
its a brand new feeling to me
and now here we are
lying together high in this
billowy bright sky
breathing together
you blow in my ear
and cover me in kisses
i feel so alive with you
you surround me everywhere i go
like i'm protected by your
sweet nature
you have the heated passion
and the nourishing serenity
that my body craves
but you have a certain air about you
that makes you so lovable
so lets live in this moment
high off your oxygen and
high in the clouds
and lets never go back to reality
lets never come down

~if you really like one of these poems but it needs work then tell me what i should fix, i would really like to do well in this competition so any help i can get would be fantastic!! :D