to play? or to work? or stress myself out and do both?

so heres the present dilemma.. right now i'm in seussical at the sandy amphitheater. but i have to work more this summer so that i can be able to move into an apartment with my friend tanya in september. now heres the problem, i depended on being able to get shifts during the day..but noodles & company only has hours open at night.. and work is much more important to me than doing seussical.. and i deceded to do the show so that i can be with my family i had to be talked into coming to the call backs..i think i could do some backstage work..i just need to set my priorities.. my parents suggested looking at getting another job in addition to noodles, but i wont do that..cuz i'd only be there for a couple of months and its been hard to find a job lately anyways..and i like my job now and i'd rather work more with what i've got.. and i need to work! i need to be able to move out in september! and save up money for college and i need to get on my feet and that doesnt involve theater sucking up all my time.. i do feel bad i hate backing out of something last minute..i shouldnt have depended on getting all these shifts..i should have been smarter about my decision and thought ahead.. i feel really bad.. i do.. but i gotta do what i gotta do.. sigh.. these adult decisions and taking responsibilities for my actions and my choices and such sucks..

viva vacation

its been a while since i've blogged..cuz nothing new and exciting was happening.. but! i just got back home from vacation in vegas! woo something new to blog about!
so we left early early in the morning on wednesday (when i say early i mean we woke up at 4 am..) and we started the drive! we first went to bryce canyon. i had never gone so it was fun and new! i absolutely loved it!! at one time in my life i wanted to be a geologist so the rocks and everything about them; color, texture, form, ect..just fasinated me! and i was feeling adventurous that day so i did lots of climbing in steep places and going to the edge and looking down and other such things that gave my mom a heart attack. it was soo much fun!! ;D then we slept in the car, woke up in cedar city and had a picnic in the suu campus.
we got to las vegas from between 5-6 (there was a time change somewhere in there so i'm not completely sure..) and vegas was nice and hot! we got there, went out to eat, looked around circus circus, got our rooms (mom dad and jessi were in one room, me russell and kira were in another, we were about five rooms apart) and went to sleep. it was soo nice! cuz i got to sleep on my own bed..it was awesome!
side note: i hate vegas. i mean there is all sorts of fun stuff to do there! as i will mention in the next paragraph.. but there are only so many places you can go and not feel uncomfortable be all the unnecissary smut that covers the city..for a girl with morals and an actual sense of character and genuine beauty..i hate the porn and people who love the porn..i mean seriously?? its just disgusting! girls, get a REAL job. boys (yes they are boys, not men), get a life, grow some balls, get some morals, and maybe get the real thing if you deserve it after you get a life, balls, and morals. and you know, the majority of the people in vegas are so mean! ya know i love going on vacation, but i wont miss the smut and rude people..
so anyways! the next day we went around the strip and did all sorts of stuff in the morning, early afternoon. we looked around the venitian, which looks like italy! and i would like to go there someday..so i loved loved LOVED the venitian and the canal they had through the hotel, with the gondola, the sistine chapel replica, and we shared a tiramasu. loved it!!
its tradition everytime we pass through or stop in vegas we go to the coke and m&m museum. and when we go to the coke museum we always take a family picture with the coke bear. this year, they got rid of the statue thing..and its alive..guy in a suit.. ya know it was cool. and its kinda sad cuz it'll probably be the last time i go to vegas with my family as one of the kids living at home so..yeah..
and then we spent the rest of the day in the adventure dome! part of circus circus.. it was fun! i love a good rollercoaster :)
yesterday we drove straight home..slept a lot in the car..and when we got back we went out to eat and saw up in 3d. if any of you havent had a chance to see that, see it now! i absolutely love that movie..its so sweet..
and now i'm chilling out at home! tonight i'm gonna go out with my wonderful boyfriend! we do the silly month anniversary thing..and we're kinda cheating..cuz we went out for 5 months, were broken up for a month, and now we've been together for another month, we decided not to ignore the first 5 months, so its out 6 month today..really its just an excuse to go on a nice date :)
so..starting next week, since vacation is over, and after the date tonight, its time to focus on everything else i need to do this summer. time to focus on seussical, on getting a drivers lisence, and working more to get money for college and an apartment in september. woo..

back to where we were :) happy again

alrighty so! once upon a time i wasnt happy because my boyfriend wasnt treating me the way i should be treated. so then we broke up. but once upon a time i loved this boy and even though i was strong put myself above all other i wasnt happy without him. i was single for about a month, almost a month. and i was trying so hard to be a fun flirty single! trying so very hard! but i just couldnt get a date..i almost had one with a guy, i got one with my ex.., and i did have one set up with a guy but he ditched me and went on a date with another girl..so i started getting discouraged and my ego was hurt. and it didnt help that jon, this boy i still love, was flirting with a different girl and that was younger than me and it was just weird for me..and we still talked to each other all the time and everytime we would start to play around and have some fun with each other we'd miss each other and be sad and discouraged..we both tried so hard to forget each other. we both tried so hard to hate each other. but nothing was working and the feelings were still there and still so strong. it was so very hard. and then wednesday of last week we had our drama club closing banquet where we said good bye to seniors and gave out awards and the seniors kinda pass the torch off to the juniors. it always gets emotional after and everyone is hugging each other and crying and i wasnt crying..until i went up to jon. i didnt want to say good bye to him. we were on the phone that night and we basically told each other that we still had feelings for each other and we'd like to try again. so! now i am very happy with my wonderful boyfriend jon! and for those who are protective of me and thinking, wait they broke up because he was treating her the wrong way!, well dont worry :) jon has promised me and my family and friends that were ready to kill him..that he will change and that he will never make the same mistakes. he has kept his promise already! there has already been a huge change in him! and now we have a new appreciation for each other and we have a stronger love for each other. i do love you so much jon! and i am soo very glad we're back together! :D
and on top of everything great, i have two days of school left! i'm graduating from high school on thursday and i am so very excited!! i am so excited to spend the summer with my sweet boy :D

this week..

i had the acrylic nails on for a few weeks and its really hard to type when i have them on, but i just got them off, so now i want to type! so i though i'd blog.
so this past week i have been busy. first i got my hair cut and dyed! my hair is uber short and i'm a redhead! its awesome!! and then i was in a ballroom showcase performance thingy on thursday. it was kinda funny..it was very casual..very casual..and i was in a cool tango but i messed up..but ya know its all good. and there was a pretty good turn out! and i had a very packed weekend..long story short i was supposed to go on a date friday but he ditched me and went on a date with a different girl..but its all good! i'm over it. me and tanya went to the mall and i got a guys number (it was so funny!) and then yesterday we went and saw star trek! and it was awesome!! i loved it!! i'm such a trekie! :) so! thats my wonderful story..
i also recently wrote a few poems! i like the second one better than the first one, but here they are :)

~

fight hard eyes living without the damn boy

i've been stronger
fighting the fire
fight fire
fight fire
fight-
passion that consumed
my hard heart
hard heart
hard heart
hard-
headed and sweet
damn the boy that
took my hand, stared with
eyes that enticed me
eyes enticed
eyes enticed
eyes-
minipulated and
charmed me to love
guilted me to stay
scared me to leave
i've been stronger
living in this lull
living lull
living lull
living-
without him and
without sweet words
without words
without words
without-
him is harder than
it was supposed to be
damn the dirtbag
damn dirtbag
damn dirtbag
damn-
boy that still has my
heart when he never wanted it
acted like he didnt care
made me think its ok
leaving me numb when i leave him
damn the selfish stubborn boy
selfish stubborn
selfish stubborn
boy-
who i still love
i've been stronger--

~

untitled (if you have any suggestions let me know)

hold still.


feel that intensity
feel that tension
feel that flutter
feel the warm pain the
sweet heat bubbling in
your soul

everytime he touches you

shockwave
hot chill rushing your blook
through your head out
your touch

hold still.


maybe he'll notice
maybe he'll stare
maybe he'll feel it
maybe the electricity is
shocking his heart stopping
his soul

everytime you touch him

brainwave
tingling needles race out
to his fingertips just for
your touch

hold your breath.


wait for the
wait for the
wait for the
wait for the moment
eyes locked solid broken by
our hungry soul

every touch

wave
of overwhelming want
satisfaction hanging on
our touch

hold


his skin fits perfectly

~

almost to the end..

last night was closing night for yearbook the musical. the show went very very well! but we were all crying throughout it all..it was my very last show at brighton high school. i have done 7 productions in high school, plus all the extra scenes and short 30-60 minutes shows. in total i have been in 18 shows/scenes/monologues/ect. at brighton high school. and now i am done. no more performing at brighton ever again. its a very strange feeling.. theater is what i did in high school! it was my life! and now..i might be in a community show here and there..but really? i'm done. and its a very strange abnormal feeling.. and it is also very very strange that i will be graduating in about two weeks. i mean i am very excited to be moving on to the next stage of life!, but at the same time..i dont know what to think or feel..its just weird..

things are better :)

i havent posted in a long time..lots have happened since i posted 5 weeks ago!, but i wont say everything..only the important stuff. so we had spring break and it was honestly the best spring break i had had in a really really long time. i spent almost all of time with my most favorite people. and then after spring break until the beginning of this week i went down from my high. it was just a hard time for me i was unhappy. and as much as i tried to ignore it and look at the positives..i was just unhappy. and so i decided to make a change a few days ago and since then things have turned around. so now i'm a fun happy flirty single and plan on being so for a while :)
so yesterday i had prom! and i had the priviledge to go with my good friend aaron bell. it was soooo much fun!! i got my hair done at sherman kendals, then we went bowling for our day activity (i lost the first game..but i didnt lose the second game! ha!!), went to old spaghetti factory, snuck into the dance! (we just went through the back doors and nobody noticed..lol! it was awesome), then we went swimming at tanya's house! it was the funnest most stress free dance i've ever been to! and might i add how great of a date aaron was! he was a complete gentleman and it was so sweet of him to even take me last minute :) so yeah! uber fun night! and i'm so glad things are getting better :)
check my facebook to see pictures!

i have senioritis, spring fever, and boredom.

i'm ready for spring.
i'm ready for graduation.
i'm ready for a vacation.
i'm ready for a worry-free week. day even.
i'm ready for excitement.
i'm ready for change.
i'm ready for summer.
i'm ready for independence.
i'm ready for work.
i'm ready for hot gossip and drama.
i'm ready for this lull of nothing-ness to go away.
i'm ready for something (ANYTHING) new.

i'm just ready..