its love not santa clause

looking forward and depending on people being in your future isn't smart. its best to plan your future. just yours. if someone wants to come along for the ride then wonderful. but until they have made that final vow to always follow you then dont get your hopes up. keep the walls around your heart until he's down on one knee and youre ready to say yes. be careful love sick ladies. no matter what age heartbreak hurts and doesnt fully go away until that love is put in a different direction.
sigh.. ok my rant is done! since i'm a positive person and hate ending an update on a negative note, here are my current inspirations.

cameren cloward. he is like my soul's twin. its scary how alike we are. he's very sweet and sensitive and easy to talk to and easy to listen to and i could go on and on how great my new best friend is but just know he's a great guy ;)


say anything. cam introduced me to this band and i fell in love. favorite song at the moment is do better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHKZK6tZiEU&feature=related

the perks of being a wallflower. cam suggested this book to me and, again, i fell in love. i highly suggest this book to everyone. its sad its sweet its funny its beautiful its poetic its honest its brutal its raw its..its infinite. just read it! gah! i love it..

nurse jackie. cam and i sat down and watched almost the whole first season in one sitting. fell. in. love. its on showtime its about an emergency room nurse with an addiction to prescription drugs. how beautifully ironic is that?? and its just so real and makes me want to become a nurse even more than i already do. although not an emergency room nurse. no way in hell could i ever do that..i'd be like the character zoe and be awkward and clumsy and just doesnt handle the stress well. but a lot of the work is the same. a nurse is a nurse. i love it. i highly suggest this wonderful show. i'm so very excited for the second season in march!

favorite quotes:
"we accept the love we think we deserve" -the perks of being a wallflower
"in that moment i swear we were infinite" -the perks of being a wallflower (read it)
"doctors diagnose, we heal" -nurse jackie
"its love not santa clause" -500 days of summer
"someone to live for, something to lose"
"if you cant change your fate, change your attitude"

good start

its been a while.. here is the update!
1. i chopped all my hair off. its in a pixie cut now and i absolutely love it! everybody at work calls me tinkerbell or pixie and i have embraced my inner fairy :)
2. i work all the time. i sometimes feel like i have no life.
3. for the past week i have pretty much lived at my bff's house. i slept in my bed once this week. its been an awesome holiday
4. the month of december i had a different boy every week. single life has been fun :) but now....
5. i have a new boy thats a little more permanent! :D his name is matt he is a Major sweetheart! i've known him since sophomore year we have mutual friends and we went on a few dates and really hit it off :) he's leaving in march going to basic. i got myself an army boy! and i am a full supporter of him. it will be very very sad when he leaves but i will take advantage of the time i have with him now :)
thats about all you've missed. havent been all that busy.. but its ok :) i had a Great new years eve! me matt tanya and matt's bff kinky (yes thats his name) went clubbing! it was way fun :) and with this new year i hope to accomplish a whole lot..
1. this month i am getting me a car
2. end of april i am moving out of my parents house
3. end of the summer i will be attending my first year at slcc and start on my education to be a nurse
and all of this that i will be accomplishing i will be doing on my own.. wish me luck!!

what do you think?..

ok so i haven't updated in a while... its been a really long time since i have been this busy.... but deep down i love it :) so! i will update!
so last time i wrote i was about to start my cna class. well now i am half way through and i realy really like it a lot!! it is most definitely a really really hard job.. i just got back from work today and its just really really hard..but i really really enjoy it :) its rewarding and makes me appreciate my life so much!!! .....and my paycheck is awesome..... :) and the more and more that i do this job and finish up my class the more i am inspired to be a nurse! i think i would be a great nurse and i would love my job :) so i think my plans are gonna change as far as where i'm going to school and such.....which excites me!!
but man all the busyness all of the sudden has gotten me soooo tired!!! and i find myself a lot more grumpier at home which i feel bad for..but once i'm finished with the class and once i have a more set schedule for work i'll be able to relax more :) and i'm excited for that too!!
so now i am faced with a slight dilemma.. nurse or massage therapist? i would definitely do some good as a nurse but i still love the thought of being a massage therapist.. i like the work environment that being a massage therapist would bring.. but i would do more good as a nurse.. what do you think?..
and..off the subject..i am faced with another dilemma.....halloween is coming up......should i be the queen of hearts or betty boop?...... cuz i recently dyed my hair its natural color which is a dark brown..lot darker than i thought..its almost as dark as my moms hair..i had no idea cuz i have been a redhead for so long!! anyways. now that i have this dark hair i should take advantage of it for halloween!! i have been characters or just someone with red hair and i couldnt be anyone interesting with dark brown hair cuz i didnt have it!! so i narrowed it down to the queen of hearts of betty boop..well more like my friend tanya narrowed it down to those two but still.. so.. what do you think?..

getting closer!...

so! my bestie is a cna and her daddy is one of the big bosses of the company. i have been telling tanya about my troubles with saving up money and she suggested becoming a cna and i really fell in love with the idea! but there were a couple problems..the main one was the class costs 400+ and that is how much i have saved up for college......kind of a problem. and i was having a hard time finding a class to take that would be two weeks long so i dont spend a month or so in school i want to just get the certificate and start this job ya know!?..but i was getting pretty discouraged..
but then!! tanya texted me last wednesday and told me that if i got hired at the same place she works at, sugarhouse care and rehab, then her big boss daddy would pay for my classes...... what an opportunity!!!! :D so the next day i spent almost the whole day coming up with an impressive resume that makes me sound wanted despite my lack of experience and lack of certificate..and then yesterday i went down to talk to them hoping for a job.. they had me fill out an application and then i gave them the application and my resume told them that i dont have experience, a certification, but i have a big heart and connections..... and it was enough!!! i got hired!! my first day is on tuesday! now i need to take the cna class! i looked up a class that is two weeks long last week of september and first week of october! and i'm not paying for it!! :D
but now.....i have a new issue..... sugarhouse care and rehab is quite a distance from my house..3300 south and 950 east.. and this class i'm going to take is in west jordan 5 to 10 every night same time my dad has play rehearsal in centerville...... so i am in need of a car.. i am getting so much closer to taking control of my life and getting on my feet and its looking like this is the next step.. but not only is it a problem that i dont have the money to get a car but also i need a co-signer and my parents are in no position, my grandparents are in no position..so....not sure how this is gonna work out.... i know something will work out i'll find an aunt with good credit and if anybody knows a good deal on a good car thats running well thats only a couple thousand or less then please let me know!

poetic venting

been a little stressed about different things for the past little while..i do a lot of venting but i find i have the right words when i write poems.. and i actually really enjoy these poems i thought i did a good job so i would like to share just one of them. they are still pretty private poems..so only one poem :)

909

stuck in my words
frozen in my hate
wanna spite wanna choke
but its not gonna stop
it keeps comin keeps burning
this ice thrown at me
by a child? by a person?
by this thing that loves me
loves in this bubble created
to keep the peace keep the
innocence pulled out of my spine
limp and lost i'm choking on
the heat the wet air thats
huffed and puffed in my face
i'm suffocating in my box
grab that knife and make
the sides bleed crying for me
to come back but the oxygen
beckons and is waiting
i can't wait can't sit can't fake
my way through life with no
breath no feeling nothing inside
this ordinary created to be controlled
won't be controlled! won't be ignored
but the anxiety thickens the humidity
ripping and tearing my strength
i fall and eat myself up
to nothing left for them to hate
i'll get up i'm still tryin i'll
wake up in a new room cool dry air
waiting for me to breathe deep....

stuck in limbo

school for everybody started on wednesday. wednesday morning i woke up at around 8 to an empty house..i feel like i am sluffing school..it is the weirdest feeling not going to college with all my friends..it makes me a little sad.. i really do love school. i love learning! and i wish i could go to ucmt this year..but i am paying for college myself. so heres the other half of my problem. i have been working at noodles and company for a little over a year now and its a great job! i like it there and the people i work with like me and its customer service which i do best at and i feel over qualified for my job..but i'm also feeling under used.. every once in a while they will give me 20-30 hours a week and getting payed almost 8 and hour which is great..but its not what i need. in order for me to be making enough for me to be going to college and move out this upcoming spring or summer i need to be making more than i am.. so what i am probably gonna be doing it getting a different job. as much as i really do like it at noodles i need more! so! i was talking to my bff tanya and she works as an cna and she suggested that i do the same! they start off at 9 an hour, i'd be able to work a good morning shift everyday and there is a went worth retirement home that is within walking distance of my house. probably today before work or tomorrow after work and ask about the job. i think it would be a good job for me! so hopefully things will work out and i'll get the job and save up enough money :) wish me luck!

oh! and..giggle!..yesterday was jon and i's 8 month anniversary. yes we know its really cheesy to celebrate month anniversaries and its just an excuse to go on a date but yesterday he surprised me with a picnic and got me a small photo album and a disposable camera and we started filling our first album! and it was so fun and so cute and the best part? he thought of that all his own :D he's so freaking cute!!! i love that boy :D it was nice to get a moment of sweet romance and get a break from the stress of jobs school and money.. and hopefully this the first album of many and many many more months to come ;D

current inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiqiTrMVLdQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GEXZXxtDtY&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saT3Sw8Bt8U&feature=related






































"things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember"