unemployed

friday, november 19, was a bad day.

that morning i woke feeling nauseous. good start. at about noon i get a text message from my supervisor at work asking me to come in and see her, that it was urgent and i had to see her that day. i told her i wasn't feeling well, but i'd go see her in a couple hours. at 230 i go to work and she greats me with a smile and tells me to come on back to her office to talk. we sit down, first thing she says to me....
we've decided to terminate you.
wtf.

back tracking -- saturday, november 13, i was just starting to feel that same nausea that was torturing me all week. i slept all day hoping the bug would go away, but i went to work feeling ill. to describe how my work..night..went, i would get there at 11 pm, we (the two other cnas and me) would fill up clean ice mugs and pass them out to all of our residents (on the top floor, which was where i was working that particular night, there is about 50 residents, split between the three of us for the whole night), after that we wash wheelchairs, and 1 am that is our first round, we go around and check on all of our residents make sure their clean, rotate them in bed if we need to, hydrate them, ect, at 3 am we have second round, and 5 am we have third round, then chart and answer call lights, leave at 7 am. this particular night, i was not feeling well at all, and at around 3 am, when i was supposed to be doing second round, i felt as though i was going to throw up. so, instead of throwing up on the old people, i step out for a little bit til my stomach settles. i go to start my round at about 330, thats when nurse karen approached me..
back tracking a little bit more -- nurse karen hates me. i have no idea why. she was the only coworker there that complained about me. for whatever reason, she thought i didn't do my work and wasn't doing all my rounds. IF i wasn't doing all my rounds, that would be considered neglect, which in a much more serious case would cost me my license. it is a form of abuse.
going back -- nurse karen, thinking that i always don't do my job, decided to keep tabs on me so that she could report me because i apparently bug her so much.... well since i was late to do my second round, it LOOKED as though i wasn't doing my rounds. i saw no reason to defend myself to her because of her unprovoked bias against me, so i just took the verbal beating, ending with a threat of her writing me up if i did not do my round right that second, and went on to do my job. well, she wrote me up anyways.
going back -- so at the end of the business day at the end of the week, my supervisor graces me with the wonderful news of canning me under false pretenses. i felt like i was going to throw up on her. maybe i should have.. instead i put up my defenses, told her i was ill, told her karen was a beast that hated me for no good reason, but she had made up her mind. she, along with all the supervisors, are nazis.. if she asked anybody else their opinion on me, they ALL would have said nothing but good things. but no, instead they just get rid of me before my 90 days are up. jerks.

so..hoping this will be the ONLY time in my life that i ever have to file for unemployment. i have a friend that is the manager of eye glass world who might possibly line me a job. and many other friends have offered to help me out in this unfortunate situation. as crappy as this is, i have realized how this is totally and completely a blessing in disguise. i have been needing to get out of that graveyard shift so badly. in fact, the reason i was so sick last week is because i haven't been well rested in so long that my immune system wasn't working like it should. and even just these few days since then, i have noticed i have been in a better mood, i haven't had as many headaches, and i have been able to spend more time with my friends and family. and even though this is an incredibly horrible situation..slightly worried about paying bills for next month..but i know that i will be ok. another thing that has changed in this past week, really the past month, i have felt more good vibes/ positive mojo/ holy spirit, whatever it is called. i just feel a lot more spiritually inspired. and this closeness to god has given me comfort that things will work out. i'm not entirely sure how it is going to work out, but i have faith. it has been a while since i've said that, but i mean it with my heart and soul. i truly believe that everything will be alright. you're thoughts and prayers would be appreciated though.. i'm grateful for good vibes no matter where they come from :)

as my blog should always end, i wrote a poem. this poem is so ironic.... i started writing this poem before i got fired, but had a hard time finishing it.. but open mic at greenhouse effect always inspires me and i had enough artistic inspiration to finish it, but thats not the point. i thought it was funny that the one poem i write about work i write it as i get fired.... sigh....
this poem is dedicated to the many people in the nursing field.

grim riper

i am blessed
i am reminded of this everytday
in my work place
everyday i see these
young minds in withered bodies
when i see the result
of wounded hearts
and childhood fears
brought to reality
this disease will consume us all
with or without the diagnosis
dementia is unavoidable
all it does is make us forget
makes us fear the same
nightmares that made us tremble
when we first recognized the emotion
of terror
and that is when they are brought
to the poor souls like me
i was trained to nurse the elderly
back to a comforting state
to treat these adults like the children
they truly are inside
but these poor children don't know
who i am
they don't know
that i am that little smile they see
before they leave this world
for some in this home
i am their only family
i am their next generation
that sits by their side
before their final sleep
some even call me by their daughter's name
the one who never visits
who left their mother to die
and calls only to pay the bill
she is the nightmare
i am the relief
and mom's future is a dream
when she asks me
to sit with her so she won't die alone
i am reminded on my fears
i feel her terror
and like a child
she grips my hand with
what strength she has
and like a mother
she asks only one thing of me
to spend these few moments with her
that's when i realize my fate
and i realize being that last friendly face
i am close to god
and his mighty touch
not only comforts the mothers i care for
but me as well
the fear is inevitable
but i have comfort
that there are poor souls like me
who will smile at death
and hold onto a lifeless hand
just to keep the childhood monsters away

second chance

i have now been a single woman for almost a whole two months. amazing! hey, thats longer than i've ever been single before. and these past two months have been completely eye opening. i have learned so much about myself and more about what i need versus what i want. i dont have everything figured out, but i am definitely willing to learn more.
things i have learned about myself:
-i am a selfish person
-i dont listen to other people's advice
-i act like i can be a leader, but i have always been a follower
-i was not meant to work graveyard shifts
things i'm going to do about it:
-pause, breathe, and soften my heart
-with my softened heart, also open my mind
-do what makes me happy, not just short term, but a lasting happiness
-get another freaking job....no more being an ass wiper/cna. gonna find something that makes me truely happy (this goes along with the goal up above, lasting happiness will also be found in glorious new fantasy job..)
i am ready for my new chance at a happy life. i decided long ago to never regret anything. and i dont. not one piece of my life. good has come out of every situation, whether i've seen it or it was something small i haven't seen yet. i am learning from the ups and downs of my past, most especially these past four years, and these next four plus years will be better and happier, and filled with more ups than downs.
its not a true blog of mine without a poem.

baby steps

her hands of clay
are still soft
one day her hands want
to work
one day her hands want
to heal
one day her hands want
to comfort
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her hands are not stiff
her hands of clay
are still soft

her heart of wings
is still developing
one day her heart wants
to soar
one day her heart wants
to sing
one day her heart wants
to escape
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her heart is not ready
her heart of wings
is still developing

her mind of miles
is taking baby steps
one day her mind wants
to explore
one day her mind wants
to create
one day her mind wants
to run
she's distraught by
her indecision
but her mind is still young
her mind of miles
is taking baby steps