what do you think?..

ok so i haven't updated in a while... its been a really long time since i have been this busy.... but deep down i love it :) so! i will update!
so last time i wrote i was about to start my cna class. well now i am half way through and i realy really like it a lot!! it is most definitely a really really hard job.. i just got back from work today and its just really really hard..but i really really enjoy it :) its rewarding and makes me appreciate my life so much!!! .....and my paycheck is awesome..... :) and the more and more that i do this job and finish up my class the more i am inspired to be a nurse! i think i would be a great nurse and i would love my job :) so i think my plans are gonna change as far as where i'm going to school and such.....which excites me!!
but man all the busyness all of the sudden has gotten me soooo tired!!! and i find myself a lot more grumpier at home which i feel bad for..but once i'm finished with the class and once i have a more set schedule for work i'll be able to relax more :) and i'm excited for that too!!
so now i am faced with a slight dilemma.. nurse or massage therapist? i would definitely do some good as a nurse but i still love the thought of being a massage therapist.. i like the work environment that being a massage therapist would bring.. but i would do more good as a nurse.. what do you think?..
and..off the subject..i am faced with another dilemma.....halloween is coming up......should i be the queen of hearts or betty boop?...... cuz i recently dyed my hair its natural color which is a dark brown..lot darker than i thought..its almost as dark as my moms hair..i had no idea cuz i have been a redhead for so long!! anyways. now that i have this dark hair i should take advantage of it for halloween!! i have been characters or just someone with red hair and i couldnt be anyone interesting with dark brown hair cuz i didnt have it!! so i narrowed it down to the queen of hearts of betty boop..well more like my friend tanya narrowed it down to those two but still.. so.. what do you think?..

getting closer!...

so! my bestie is a cna and her daddy is one of the big bosses of the company. i have been telling tanya about my troubles with saving up money and she suggested becoming a cna and i really fell in love with the idea! but there were a couple problems..the main one was the class costs 400+ and that is how much i have saved up for college......kind of a problem. and i was having a hard time finding a class to take that would be two weeks long so i dont spend a month or so in school i want to just get the certificate and start this job ya know!?..but i was getting pretty discouraged..
but then!! tanya texted me last wednesday and told me that if i got hired at the same place she works at, sugarhouse care and rehab, then her big boss daddy would pay for my classes...... what an opportunity!!!! :D so the next day i spent almost the whole day coming up with an impressive resume that makes me sound wanted despite my lack of experience and lack of certificate..and then yesterday i went down to talk to them hoping for a job.. they had me fill out an application and then i gave them the application and my resume told them that i dont have experience, a certification, but i have a big heart and connections..... and it was enough!!! i got hired!! my first day is on tuesday! now i need to take the cna class! i looked up a class that is two weeks long last week of september and first week of october! and i'm not paying for it!! :D
but now.....i have a new issue..... sugarhouse care and rehab is quite a distance from my house..3300 south and 950 east.. and this class i'm going to take is in west jordan 5 to 10 every night same time my dad has play rehearsal in centerville...... so i am in need of a car.. i am getting so much closer to taking control of my life and getting on my feet and its looking like this is the next step.. but not only is it a problem that i dont have the money to get a car but also i need a co-signer and my parents are in no position, my grandparents are in no position..so....not sure how this is gonna work out.... i know something will work out i'll find an aunt with good credit and if anybody knows a good deal on a good car thats running well thats only a couple thousand or less then please let me know!

poetic venting

been a little stressed about different things for the past little while..i do a lot of venting but i find i have the right words when i write poems.. and i actually really enjoy these poems i thought i did a good job so i would like to share just one of them. they are still pretty private poems..so only one poem :)

909

stuck in my words
frozen in my hate
wanna spite wanna choke
but its not gonna stop
it keeps comin keeps burning
this ice thrown at me
by a child? by a person?
by this thing that loves me
loves in this bubble created
to keep the peace keep the
innocence pulled out of my spine
limp and lost i'm choking on
the heat the wet air thats
huffed and puffed in my face
i'm suffocating in my box
grab that knife and make
the sides bleed crying for me
to come back but the oxygen
beckons and is waiting
i can't wait can't sit can't fake
my way through life with no
breath no feeling nothing inside
this ordinary created to be controlled
won't be controlled! won't be ignored
but the anxiety thickens the humidity
ripping and tearing my strength
i fall and eat myself up
to nothing left for them to hate
i'll get up i'm still tryin i'll
wake up in a new room cool dry air
waiting for me to breathe deep....

stuck in limbo

school for everybody started on wednesday. wednesday morning i woke up at around 8 to an empty house..i feel like i am sluffing school..it is the weirdest feeling not going to college with all my friends..it makes me a little sad.. i really do love school. i love learning! and i wish i could go to ucmt this year..but i am paying for college myself. so heres the other half of my problem. i have been working at noodles and company for a little over a year now and its a great job! i like it there and the people i work with like me and its customer service which i do best at and i feel over qualified for my job..but i'm also feeling under used.. every once in a while they will give me 20-30 hours a week and getting payed almost 8 and hour which is great..but its not what i need. in order for me to be making enough for me to be going to college and move out this upcoming spring or summer i need to be making more than i am.. so what i am probably gonna be doing it getting a different job. as much as i really do like it at noodles i need more! so! i was talking to my bff tanya and she works as an cna and she suggested that i do the same! they start off at 9 an hour, i'd be able to work a good morning shift everyday and there is a went worth retirement home that is within walking distance of my house. probably today before work or tomorrow after work and ask about the job. i think it would be a good job for me! so hopefully things will work out and i'll get the job and save up enough money :) wish me luck!

oh! and..giggle!..yesterday was jon and i's 8 month anniversary. yes we know its really cheesy to celebrate month anniversaries and its just an excuse to go on a date but yesterday he surprised me with a picnic and got me a small photo album and a disposable camera and we started filling our first album! and it was so fun and so cute and the best part? he thought of that all his own :D he's so freaking cute!!! i love that boy :D it was nice to get a moment of sweet romance and get a break from the stress of jobs school and money.. and hopefully this the first album of many and many many more months to come ;D

current inspiration

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QiqiTrMVLdQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GEXZXxtDtY&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saT3Sw8Bt8U&feature=related






































"things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember"

all's fair in love and war.........who thought of that????

i am now 18 years old! my birthday was august 1. its a little crazy that i am legally an adult..i mean dont feel any different but it is different..and its just weird.
on last saturday i had planned a pool party at my best friend, tanya's house. but early that day i got a text from tanya saying that her grandpa is dying and the party cant be at her house anymore.. i was freaking out. i didnt know where the party was going to be anymore i didnt know who would be able to make it there anymore and it was just frustrating.. tanya had a back up plan and bought a camp site. we told everyone that said they would make an appearance and the people that really cared about me showed up. which i was totally ok with! :) and we ate and had cake and had music playing and it turned out to be so much fun dispite the drama :D and afterwards we went to kat's house and played apples to apples, a couple more people showed up and that was way fun! it just turned out to be an awesome night and even though we didnt swim, it was just what i wanted it to be, just hanging out with my good friends.
and this week as been an interesting one..some major ups and downs..had some confrontation with my boyfriend but solved it right away (i cant stay mad at him damn it..) and now i am helping one of my very very good friends through a trial of his and..love is stupid and reckless and confusing and conflicting and painful and dramatic and immature and hellish and wonderful and sweet all at the same time....and i've decided that you are never too young to fall in love. i think about my crazy parents that got married at 19 and 22 barely off his mission knew each other 2 weeks before getting engaged..and i think about my crazier grandparents that got married at 17 and 18..and then i look at some of my friends that have been dating a while or my friend that is having some girl issues or even me and jon and..love is for any age..but its what you decide to do with it that what makes the difference. no matter what you decide there will be hardship and pain but if you decide to hold onto them you get the hardship and pain and major responsibility and the happiness and affection and support and devotion and then thats when you make the decision to focus on the positive and that is when it is worth it. that is what anybody of any age should experience. if they can make it through the trials then love is worth it. i am not saying that i am going to be getting married at a crazy young age cuz i'm not. but i am saying that if i was in love and if he asked me to marry him when we thought it was right when we could handle the responsibility, i would say yes, no matter what age. on that note, i'm not planning on getting married til at the very earliest, 21. that is when i will be done with college and getting on my feet. when i can TAKE THE RESPONSIBILITY. yeah....i dont want my mom reading this expecting a talk with a ring on my finger anytime soon......no mom. no. barely 18..crazy talk.. but yeah point being, love sucks and is messed up but youre never too young for it. yay. :P

good week!!

i finally have a driver's license!!!!!! i took the road test at 1130ish today and i aced it!..except for the stupid parallel parking which i nailed on the head last time but screwed it up this time..but that was my only mistake!!!! i didnt ignore the flashing red lights!!!!! :D
on other news, my jonny has been on vacation the past week and i miss him terribly....he has been at comic con for the majority of his trip and i am a nerd so i am jealous..and yesterday he was at six flags and i have never been so i am jealous..and now he is in vegas and he is going sky diving today..i am not that jealous..and he is coming home tomorrow and i am so excited!! very very excited!! :D
also this week! i am turning 18 years old on saturday!!!! i will be an adult!! sort of bittersweet.. but hey! theres some sweet in there! and i'm gonna have a party with some of my close friends at my best freinds house with the big pool and i am very very excited! its gonna be awesome!! :D
yay for monumental birthdays, driver's licenses, and boyfriends coming home!!!! :D :D :D